We went to Ayla's hut and she was snoring rather loudly. We woke Ayla up and she wiped the sleep out of her eyes. "Sorry to wake you," said Lucca, "but we've been robbed!"
"Wh, what," said Ayla. "Must be Reptites. Crono come with Ayla! We settle with Reptites."
Well, I guess we could do that. Kino should have delivered it to the Reptites for me by now and with any luck they've killed the little bastard. All you have to do is spit some soup in a guy's face and drop your "precious" item as you turn to walk away and he can be manipulated quite easily. Let's just hope it works out as perfectly as I see it happening in my head.
I got rid of Lucca and put Ayla in my group. Lucca just disappeared into thin air. Even with the beautiful Ayla to play with, I couldn't help but be reminded of this damn curse I have. At least the choice of which two people to be stuck with was improving.
We went south to the forest to follow the footprints and when we got there Kino was taking a piss off to the side. DAMNIT! I was hoping he was dead. Perhaps he was a little smarter than I thought. Ayla started screaming at him to tell her what he did. It was obvious who wore the pants in their relationship.
"Kino take Crono stuff," said Kino. I tried to act surprised. "Kino like Ayla best," he said. "Ayla like Crono, but Kino not like..." What the hell did I do?
Oh yeah, the thing with spitting in his face.
Ayla punched Kino in the face which I found highly gratifying. "Ayla, mellow out," said Marle. I walked over to Kino and punched him in the face, too. "Kino, you know why I punish," said Ayla.
"Ayla no like Kino," said Kino. "NO," said Ayla. "Ayla like Kino BEST! No more do bad stuff, okay?! That wrong!" Crap. She still likes Kino best. Oh well. The day will come when Kino will no longer stand in my way. Oh, if only Ayla would punch me in the face and dominate me.
Kino apologized and said that the Reptites took our stuff. Ayla decided to follow the tracks in hopes that we could get the timekey back. She told Kino to go back to the village and protect it. I tripped Kino as he walked past and then I walked over next to Ayla in a moderate amount of triumph.
The battles in the forest were mostly easy and we kept following the footprints left by the Reptites. I got injured by one of the monsters, but Ayla just walked over and gave me a kiss. I was about to dive on top of her and leave the battle to Marle when I realized that my injury had healed. Well, perhaps she didn't mean anything by it, but I'll be damned if I don't find myself incompetent in battle from now on.
Whenever I was close enough to kill a monster I found myself missing, so that I would get injured. After Ayla had kissed me a half dozen times, Marle jumped in before Ayla could and she fixed my wounds. As soon as the battle was over I would drop Marle and bring Lucca back............no, wait. If I did that Lucca would try to hog all of Ayla's kisses. I guess Robo would have to be the answer. I just hope Ayla can handle a talking rock.
When the battle was over I snapped my fingers and Marle was gone. Robo appeared and although Ayla had never been introduced to him, she didn't even seem to notice. Oh well. I pulled Robo aside and explained my intentions in battle. He understood and told me that he would only heal me in an emergency. That's what friends are for. Robo knows how to follow orders.
We came out of the forest and went into the Reptite Lair. It wasn't really a lair as it had no passageways, stairs or anything. There were just some holes to jump into. How could anyone live here?
Eventually, after a few battles and several kisses we came to a Reptite who was all pimped out in a robe and shoulder pads. I had a feeling this was their leader. Wait a second. Didn't Ayla say something about Crono coming and then settling with the Reptites? Is this Ayla's pimp?
"Could the apes have made something this advanced," said Azala, who was talking to himself.
"Azala," yelled Ayla.
"Ah, the apes have arrived," said Azala. "You're nothing like Ayla."
Yep. I'm what they call a boy. Stupid talking lizard. Although, he seemed awfully familiar.
"Tell me what this is," said Azala. I told him all about our time traveling adventures and how we needed the timekey to get back home, but he didn't believe me. He called in his sidekick Nizbel to kick our asses.
"Don't worry Azala," said Robo. "We can handle anything Ayla sends our way." I snickered at Robo and Ayla gave him a funny look. I'm not sure if it was because she had just realized he was there or because he got her and Azala confused. You can't really blame him though, they practically have the same name.
"Talking rock is stupid, Crono," said Ayla or Azala or whichever one she was. I wonder if there's some sort of significance to it?
Nizbel attacked us and he was little effort to deal with. I just kept striking him with lightning, while Az...er, while Ayla and Robo beat him to death with their bare hands.
"Th...the apes beat Nizbel," said Azala. Hey, you don't have to take that Robo. You're not an ape. You're a talking rock.
"Give thing back to Crono, NOW," yelled Ayla. Azala dropped the timekey and ran off while saying something about the Reptites ruling the world. Just then it dawned on me. He was talking about Magus and his gigantic frog army in the future!
Robo ran over and picked up the time key. "I do not detect any damage," he said.
"I fight anytime, Azala," said Ayla. "Ayla no lose!" Then she let out a loud burp for some odd reason.
Back at the hut, I couldn't think of a good excuse to stay in this time period now that we had the dreamstone, so we had to leave.
"You leave, Crono," said Ayla. "No fun for Ayla!"
No fun for Crono, either, (sigh).
"I'll never forget you," said Marle, who had appeared out of nowhere. I was without a doubt, cursed. I sure hope Magus can help me.
I was fighting off the tears as I left Ayla the super hottie behind. Marle was kinda cute, but paled in comparison to Ayla. Without Ayla...........(sniffle). I zapped Robo and replaced him with my manly little friend Lucca. I needed something to make me forget about Ayla. I hope one of these two idiots can do the trick. They don't even add up to half of what Ayla is.
We got back to the Mystic Mountains where the gate was at and we climbed to the top of the mountain. We looked down the cliff at where we came in from. "We all have to jump at the same time," said Lucca. "On three. One, two, three," said Lucca. Marle and Lucca both jumped off of the cliff and I just stood there watching them fall with the timekey still in my hand.
BAM!!!!!!!!! They crashed to the ground in pain.
"DAMNIT, CRONO," screamed Lucca from the bottom of the cliff.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I feel a lot better now. Thanks a lot Lucca and Marle.
They climbed back to the top of the cliff. Lucca looked pissed off, but Marle was just giggling at me. I patted Lucca on the back and she just rolled her eyes.
"Ok, Crono," she said. "Enough screwing around. One, two, three!" I started to jump and just as I could tell that Marle and Lucca couldn't turn back I stopped, gave them both a push and watched as they fell back down to the bottom.
"DDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAMNIT, CCCCCROOOOOOOONOOOOOOOOO," yelled Lucca as she fell to her doom and slammed into the bottom of the cliff again. This time she was running up the mountain with her gun ready to fire. Her face was red and just as she got within firing range I zapped her away and Robo was standing there blinking at me. Marle limped to the top of the cliff and she crossed her arms and gave me a stern look.
I was feeling a lot better and I could hardly remember ol' whatsername that had broken my heart. I whispered in Marle's ear and she giggled.
"OK, Robo," said Marle. "The timegate is just over the cliff, so we all have to jump at the same time."
Marle and I tricked Robo into jumping off of the cliff 26 times. He would have gone over a 27th, but after the 26th we realized that he was laying at the bottom of the cliff and not moving. Marle healed him and he got back on his feet. "It seems that I jumped too soon once again," said Robo. We decided that he'd had enough. However, on second thought, I decided maybe one last time would be fair.
Just after he jumped, I snapped my fingers and Lucca appeared in mid-air.
"What the-" said Lucca as she fell to the ground with a slam. She was laying there in pain. "Crono! I'm going to-"
Change into Robo. We're definitely coming back here. There are so many good things to do in this time period. Like Azala. My sweet Az.......I mean Ayla.
Marle was a sweetie in spite of her cheerleaderesque existence and she definitely had a high threshold for the things I did to her. Maybe there was potential for us if I could just get past the whole thing about getting executed by her father if he ever sees me again. Of course, she's still a distant second on my list.
When we used the timegate I made sure to jump into the corresponding gate at the end of time as quickly as possible to get to Medina village where Melchior was at. Just as I suspected Lucca was standing at the gate with her gun pointed at it. She missed me, but hit Marle right in the face. She fell flat on her ass and I grabbed her by the leg to pull her in with me before Lucca could get off another shot.
I had Robo spray her with his Cure Beam once we were safely in Medina village.
"Ohhhhhh," said Marle. "Crono, you butthead! You made me fall off the cliff again." She was obviously a little delirious, so I carried her on my back to Melchior's. When we walked in, Robo placed the dreamstone on Melchior's table and I placed Marle on the floor.
"You found some dreamstone," said Melchior in surprise. "How on earth did you get the Masamune.......and the dreamstone?" Something about his tone suggested that he wasn't actually surprised, but that he was pretending to be for our benefit. I don't really care as long as he fixes it, so I can wield it. I'm gonna kick some ass with that sword.
Robo and Melchior went downstairs to fix the sword, so I stayed upstairs and made out with Marle. She was still delirious, but not so much that she didn't know what was going on. I think it helped her headache go away and since I had my eyes closed, she was Ayla. We finally went downstairs and Melchior was going on and on about what he had to do in order to fix the sword. Just shut up and fix it old man, geez.
When he was finally done, Melchior handed us the Masamune.
"Awesome," yelled Marle, "what a weapon! OK, Crono, let's take the Masamune to Frog." What? Why should we take it to Frog? I'm the Legendary Hero, not him! Where does she get crazy ideas like this? I think she fell on her head one too many times, though I'm partly to blame for that. If she keeps letting her imagination get the best of her she'll never be of any help in defeating Magus and his army of frogs.
I put the Hero Medal on and I picked up the Masamune in triumph. The sword flew out of my hands and the Hero Medal suddenly became so heavy that it slammed me to the ground.
"I don't think so," said Masa. "Take us to Frog," said Mune.
Robo carried the Masamune and the Hero Medal as we traveled back to the timegate. I was feeling a little embarrassed and I was confused about how that frog could be the Legendary Hero. It wasn't helping that Marle kept snickering at me the whole time we were walking back. If she didn't stop I was going to shove the Hero Medal up her ass.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Chapter Thirteen: Crono Kill Ayla's Boyfriend
We returned to the end of time to talk to the old man about finding some dreamstone and he said that we should go to prehistoric times. Oh, great. We'll just hop into our time machine and go right there. What is it with old people? Doesn't he realize that we're restricted by time gates?
I walked over to Lucca and she was looking all sad and depressed from being left alone with the old man. She looked at me and said, "don't you need my brain power?" I pointed out that we had no way to get to the prehistoric era and she said, "see, you do need me."
I pointed Robo to the corner as I didn't want to have to deal with trying to explain to someone in a prehistoric time about what he is. Also, it's probably more prestigious for a man to have many women in those days. Maybe I could trade Marle in for some dreamstone.
Lucca led us over to the time gates and pointed out that there was one for 65 million BC. Hey, I knew it was there all along. It's just that Lucca's my best friend and I, uh, wanted to make her feel important. I'm a softy at heart.
We hopped into the time gate and we appeared in the middle of the sky. Of course, we began falling. When we landed, we were surrounded by a bunch of lizards.
"They're all green and scaly," said Lucca. "Wh...what are those," said Marle. As if I had a friggin' clue.
The lizards began to attack, but no matter how many we killed more kept coming. It looked hopeless. "We're outnumbered," said Lucca, who continued to state things that I was aware of.
"What should we do, Crono," said Marle, who continued to ask me one goddamned stupid question after another. Just when I was about to join the lizards and kill Lucca and Marle, the most amazing thing happened.
A gorgeous, half-naked blond came running up and started beating the crap out of the lizards. I just stood there in awe. "Goodness," said Marle. "She is tough!" "Who IS that woman," said Lucca. It's a good thing I was staring intently at the blond in the bikini or I might have pointed out that Marle and Lucca had switched roles.
"Uh oh....they're coming our way," said Marle as a few of the lizards moved to attack. I waited for Lucca to say something like, "will we be able to kill them, Crono," fulfilling the stupid question role as Marle had just stated the obvious again, but she kept quiet. I have a feeling she was still thinking about the blond.
We killed the lizards and the hottie came back. She was huffing and puffing and turning me on.
"Wh...what do you want," said Marle. If she says that she wants ME I'll never leave this time period again. Just then, she ran forward and pressed me up against the wall. I was in heaven. Please don't wake up, Crono. Please, please don't wake up.
"Ack," said Marle. "Crono!" Marle was obviously jealous, but if she was interested in joining in, I would not object.
The blond hottie backed off and said, "you strong. What name?......Crono, huh? Good name. Me? Me Ayla. Ayla like strong people. So Ayla like Crono!"
Ccccccccrono, like Ayla, too. Crono very much like Ayla. Cccccrono...........oh man. Crono no like Lucca and Marle. Crono HATE Lucca and Marle. Crono is single. Ayla single? Crono kill Ayla's boyfriend.
"Get away from her, Crono," yelled Marle in a jealous rage.
"I think she likes you, Crono," said Lucca in a jealous rage.
"You strong, too," said Ayla. "Ayla respect strong people. Men and women." "Oh, brother," said Marle as she giggled. "Where have they been keeping her," said Lucca.
Crono KILL Ayla's boyfriend. Crono KILL Ayla's boyfriend. Crono KILL Ayla's boyfriend. Crono KILL Ayla's boyfriend.
"Crono, where from," asked Ayla.
"Uh, how can we explain," said Marle.
Crono KILL Ayla's boyfriend.
"We're from way after the day after tomorrow," said Lucca.
Crono KILL Ayla's boyfriend.
"Ha, ha, you funny," said Ayla. "Ayla like funny people." As she laughed, she bounced and that's the only thing I remember. "It's no use," said Lucca.
Ayla invited us to her village for a party and Lucca pointed out our need for dreamstone. Ayla promised that we would find it if we looked, but she wanted us to come party with her first. I can't believe it. She barely wears any clothing and she wants me to come party with her. CRONO KILL AYLA'S BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ayla began to run towards her village, but she ran on all fours with her ass in the air, flaunting her perfect body. I couldn't imagine running like that. I was too used to walking erect. With her around it was impossible not to be erect. She would dart a glance at me from time to time and I wasn't about to let her get away. Marle and Lucca got left in the dust.
I got to the village and after looking around, I found her all alone in the chief's hut. Now was my chance to-
"Geez, Crono," said Marle as her and Lucca caught up with me. "Slow down!" MARLE! LUCCA! HOW NICE TO SEE YOU!!!!!! Marle just smiled at me and then looked at Ayla. I decided to look at Ayla as well.
"Good, Crono come," said Ayla. You read my mind, Ayla. "Night soon," said Ayla, "and ready for party! Come Crono!" Now she was taunting me. We waited around all night and then the party began. Crono come.
"Listen all," said Ayla, who seemed to be the chief of the village, "new friends here! Strong man. Crono! Friends of Crono. Marle, Lucca!" The villagers seemed happy. "Now we dance," yelled Ayla.
Some guy had been darting mean glances at me all day long. His name was Kino. I had a feeling this was the person I needed to kill. I could poison his soup or just beat him over the head for an hour, but one way or another, he had to die.
"Crono! Eat! Sing! Dance," said Ayla.
"C'mon, Crono, let's party," said Marle. I heard a loud burp from behind me as Lucca was showing off her womanly side. I noticed that Marle was whispering to Ayla. I got scared for a moment. I wasn't worried about Marle getting the snot beaten out of her as much as I was worried about Ayla respecting Marle's potential wishes to keep me all to herself. Unfortunately, whatever they were discussing, they were agreeing with one another.
Marle came over to me and she wanted me to dance with her. She started hopping up and down, clapping her hands, slapping her ass and giggling. I danced with her for a moment, then I got away from her and tried to move in on Ayla, but Lucca pulled me aside and made me eat something called poi. It tasted more like pee.
I finally got away from the evil witches who were trying to stand between me and my beauty and I got Ayla's attention. I wanted to discuss the two of us going out into the forest together, but she just kept talking about fighting the Reptites and how their leader Azala was really smart. She said that there was another village of humans, but they were all about hiding from the Reptites.
"Azala want to destroy Ioka AND Laruba," said Ayla. That's great Ayla, but about that forest idea I had. "Ayla no lose," she said. "Only when Ayla dead, give up!" I would NEVER let that happen to Ayla. I'll take on THE WHOLE ARMY OF REPTITES IF I HAVE TO!!!!!
She started talking about the dreamstone we were looking for and how it was a sign of power. "Ayla strongest in village," she said, "so Ayla's rock! You want, you challenge Ayla!" I tackled her and I was sitting on her stomach looking into her eyes when she said, "bring plenty soup!" She winked at me and threw me off.
I wanted to show her my power, but according to her village's rules we had to have a soup race. I drank the soup like a madman! "Burp, enough Crono," said Ayla. "You win, I give you rock."
You lose, I give you Mr. Happy. She was so cute with soup dribbling down her chin. My mind was racing faster then my mouth did in the soup race.
The next morning we woke up in the town square. "Phew," said Lucca. Lucca had gotten a little drunk on soup and she made the rounds with the villagers.
"What? Liar," said Lucca. "I was a perfect lady last night! But why does my tummy hurt so...?"
"Morning Crono," said Marle. "Wasn't that fun last night?!" If Marle only knew what happened in Ayla's tent after she fell asleep, heh, heh, heh. Actually, I wish I had gotten to see what happened in Ayla's tent last night, too. I'll just bide my time.
"The gate key's been taken," said Lucca. "Without it we're stuck here forever!" Stuck here forever? With Ayla? My plan was working perfectly.
I walked over to Lucca and she was looking all sad and depressed from being left alone with the old man. She looked at me and said, "don't you need my brain power?" I pointed out that we had no way to get to the prehistoric era and she said, "see, you do need me."
I pointed Robo to the corner as I didn't want to have to deal with trying to explain to someone in a prehistoric time about what he is. Also, it's probably more prestigious for a man to have many women in those days. Maybe I could trade Marle in for some dreamstone.
Lucca led us over to the time gates and pointed out that there was one for 65 million BC. Hey, I knew it was there all along. It's just that Lucca's my best friend and I, uh, wanted to make her feel important. I'm a softy at heart.
We hopped into the time gate and we appeared in the middle of the sky. Of course, we began falling. When we landed, we were surrounded by a bunch of lizards.
"They're all green and scaly," said Lucca. "Wh...what are those," said Marle. As if I had a friggin' clue.
The lizards began to attack, but no matter how many we killed more kept coming. It looked hopeless. "We're outnumbered," said Lucca, who continued to state things that I was aware of.
"What should we do, Crono," said Marle, who continued to ask me one goddamned stupid question after another. Just when I was about to join the lizards and kill Lucca and Marle, the most amazing thing happened.
A gorgeous, half-naked blond came running up and started beating the crap out of the lizards. I just stood there in awe. "Goodness," said Marle. "She is tough!" "Who IS that woman," said Lucca. It's a good thing I was staring intently at the blond in the bikini or I might have pointed out that Marle and Lucca had switched roles.
"Uh oh....they're coming our way," said Marle as a few of the lizards moved to attack. I waited for Lucca to say something like, "will we be able to kill them, Crono," fulfilling the stupid question role as Marle had just stated the obvious again, but she kept quiet. I have a feeling she was still thinking about the blond.
We killed the lizards and the hottie came back. She was huffing and puffing and turning me on.
"Wh...what do you want," said Marle. If she says that she wants ME I'll never leave this time period again. Just then, she ran forward and pressed me up against the wall. I was in heaven. Please don't wake up, Crono. Please, please don't wake up.
"Ack," said Marle. "Crono!" Marle was obviously jealous, but if she was interested in joining in, I would not object.
The blond hottie backed off and said, "you strong. What name?......Crono, huh? Good name. Me? Me Ayla. Ayla like strong people. So Ayla like Crono!"
Ccccccccrono, like Ayla, too. Crono very much like Ayla. Cccccrono...........oh man. Crono no like Lucca and Marle. Crono HATE Lucca and Marle. Crono is single. Ayla single? Crono kill Ayla's boyfriend.
"Get away from her, Crono," yelled Marle in a jealous rage.
"I think she likes you, Crono," said Lucca in a jealous rage.
"You strong, too," said Ayla. "Ayla respect strong people. Men and women." "Oh, brother," said Marle as she giggled. "Where have they been keeping her," said Lucca.
Crono KILL Ayla's boyfriend. Crono KILL Ayla's boyfriend. Crono KILL Ayla's boyfriend. Crono KILL Ayla's boyfriend.
"Crono, where from," asked Ayla.
"Uh, how can we explain," said Marle.
Crono KILL Ayla's boyfriend.
"We're from way after the day after tomorrow," said Lucca.
Crono KILL Ayla's boyfriend.
"Ha, ha, you funny," said Ayla. "Ayla like funny people." As she laughed, she bounced and that's the only thing I remember. "It's no use," said Lucca.
Ayla invited us to her village for a party and Lucca pointed out our need for dreamstone. Ayla promised that we would find it if we looked, but she wanted us to come party with her first. I can't believe it. She barely wears any clothing and she wants me to come party with her. CRONO KILL AYLA'S BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ayla began to run towards her village, but she ran on all fours with her ass in the air, flaunting her perfect body. I couldn't imagine running like that. I was too used to walking erect. With her around it was impossible not to be erect. She would dart a glance at me from time to time and I wasn't about to let her get away. Marle and Lucca got left in the dust.
I got to the village and after looking around, I found her all alone in the chief's hut. Now was my chance to-
"Geez, Crono," said Marle as her and Lucca caught up with me. "Slow down!" MARLE! LUCCA! HOW NICE TO SEE YOU!!!!!! Marle just smiled at me and then looked at Ayla. I decided to look at Ayla as well.
"Good, Crono come," said Ayla. You read my mind, Ayla. "Night soon," said Ayla, "and ready for party! Come Crono!" Now she was taunting me. We waited around all night and then the party began. Crono come.
"Listen all," said Ayla, who seemed to be the chief of the village, "new friends here! Strong man. Crono! Friends of Crono. Marle, Lucca!" The villagers seemed happy. "Now we dance," yelled Ayla.
Some guy had been darting mean glances at me all day long. His name was Kino. I had a feeling this was the person I needed to kill. I could poison his soup or just beat him over the head for an hour, but one way or another, he had to die.
"Crono! Eat! Sing! Dance," said Ayla.
"C'mon, Crono, let's party," said Marle. I heard a loud burp from behind me as Lucca was showing off her womanly side. I noticed that Marle was whispering to Ayla. I got scared for a moment. I wasn't worried about Marle getting the snot beaten out of her as much as I was worried about Ayla respecting Marle's potential wishes to keep me all to herself. Unfortunately, whatever they were discussing, they were agreeing with one another.
Marle came over to me and she wanted me to dance with her. She started hopping up and down, clapping her hands, slapping her ass and giggling. I danced with her for a moment, then I got away from her and tried to move in on Ayla, but Lucca pulled me aside and made me eat something called poi. It tasted more like pee.
I finally got away from the evil witches who were trying to stand between me and my beauty and I got Ayla's attention. I wanted to discuss the two of us going out into the forest together, but she just kept talking about fighting the Reptites and how their leader Azala was really smart. She said that there was another village of humans, but they were all about hiding from the Reptites.
"Azala want to destroy Ioka AND Laruba," said Ayla. That's great Ayla, but about that forest idea I had. "Ayla no lose," she said. "Only when Ayla dead, give up!" I would NEVER let that happen to Ayla. I'll take on THE WHOLE ARMY OF REPTITES IF I HAVE TO!!!!!
She started talking about the dreamstone we were looking for and how it was a sign of power. "Ayla strongest in village," she said, "so Ayla's rock! You want, you challenge Ayla!" I tackled her and I was sitting on her stomach looking into her eyes when she said, "bring plenty soup!" She winked at me and threw me off.
I wanted to show her my power, but according to her village's rules we had to have a soup race. I drank the soup like a madman! "Burp, enough Crono," said Ayla. "You win, I give you rock."
You lose, I give you Mr. Happy. She was so cute with soup dribbling down her chin. My mind was racing faster then my mouth did in the soup race.
The next morning we woke up in the town square. "Phew," said Lucca. Lucca had gotten a little drunk on soup and she made the rounds with the villagers.
"What? Liar," said Lucca. "I was a perfect lady last night! But why does my tummy hurt so...?"
"Morning Crono," said Marle. "Wasn't that fun last night?!" If Marle only knew what happened in Ayla's tent after she fell asleep, heh, heh, heh. Actually, I wish I had gotten to see what happened in Ayla's tent last night, too. I'll just bide my time.
"The gate key's been taken," said Lucca. "Without it we're stuck here forever!" Stuck here forever? With Ayla? My plan was working perfectly.
Chapter Twelve: A Broken Sword and a Senile Old Man
We were fighting the Masamune and he, or they, seemed intent on killing us. I guess they don't like humans. Naturally, Lucca's usefulness was minimal without enemies carrying wooden hammers to set on fire. Marle could at least slap her ass at the enemy from time to time.
It might not be helpful in the battle, but it always made me smile. I mustered up all of my energy and swung my sword at the Masamune sending a wave of wind at him and he finally fell.
Marle ran over, jumped into my arms and kissed me on the nose. Well, I won't say that I don't still hate her, but every once in awhile I stop hating her for a moment. She can be cute, but like I said before, no amount of cuteness can erase the need for high maintenance. I gently set her down, for once not taking advantage of an opportunity to drop her on her face.
"They beat us big brother," said Mune. "That was fun," said Masa. Hey, almost dying is a lot of fun for me, too. Then they started talking about us fixing them and finding them an owner. Geez, did I say Marle was high maintenance?
After all the climbing and dodging rocks from weird-ohs we didn't find the Legendary Hero and although we did find the Legendary Sword, it was broken and it expected us to fix it...........so that we could give it to someone else. I say we just leave the damn thing here.
"So this is the Masamune," said Lucca. "It looks like it's been broken for ages." We turned to leave, but Masa sucked us up and threw us out the top of the mountain. Instead of falling to our deaths we just landed comfortably.
We decided to go back to the house where the Legendary Hero was supposed to live to see if he had come home. When we walked into Tata's house it didn't look like he was home, but then I noticed that little turd from the mountains. I discovered that HE was actually Tata.
"I...I'm sorry everyone," said Tata. "Some frog guy dropped this in a cafe. I thought I'd sell it, but then everyone started calling me a Hero. I couldn't bear to get rid of it!" Oh my god.......everyone on this entire continent thought that this little brat was some sort of legendary hero? Geez, if I hadn't shown up there's no doubt Magus would have conquered Guardia.
Wait a minute......did he say that a frog guy dropped it? I find it hard to believe that this frog guy doesn't have something to do with Frog. That is, the frog that I call Frog........from the forest. There's no way it's just a coincidence.
There must be more than one talking frogs out there. Perhaps the frog Tata got the hero medal from was one of Magus's cronies, who had just killed the real Legendary Hero and the frog that I call Frog has defected from Magus's army.
Magus plans to take over the world with his army of talking frogs! I'm sure of it! Our only chance is to go see Frog and get his help to invade Magus's hideout. For the moment I would have to treat Magus like an enemy until I could convince him of my good intentions. I just hope Frog doesn't have any second thoughts once he has to start fighting his own kind, because........
"I just can't fake it any longer," said Tata. "I'm no Hero...! I'm so ashamed! Here. Please take this!"
.....once we start killing frog after frog he might regret leaving Magus. The sounds of dying frogs could make Frog have second thoughts and if that happens I'll just have to make Frog part of the frog massacre. I'm on to you, Magus.
"Scoundrel," said Tata's father the oatmeal king. "I knew this was all a sham!" Tata had handed me the Hero Medal and I had just noticed it. Perhaps this was all fate. Perhaps I was the new Legendary Hero. If so, I couldn't befriend Magus like I wanted to. Damn.
Our next step is to go see Frog and beat some information out of him. I need to know just how many frogs are in Magus's army and how to get to his hideout. In order for our plan to work everything needed to be just right.
We returned to Frog's home and found him staring at the wall, sadly.
"Thee hath returned," said Frog. "Th, the Hero Medal! Aye... Then thou hast seen the lad. Yet there's nary a thing I canst do against Magus. The legendary Masamune is required to fight Magus." Suddenly I found myself confused. He talked as if he hated Magus, but he was depressed and had little desire to go after him.
Perhaps he didn't defect from Magus's troops. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that he got kicked out of the troops for some reason! Surely, if he had defected by choice he wouldn't be sitting around acting depressed. I'm on to you, Frog. I'd bet the only way he could redeem himself with Magus is to, oh, I don't know, kill the Legendary Hero and bring Magus his head. Now that I'm the Legendary Hero, I'd have to watch my back around Frog.
".....and I've no right to wield it. Please leave now." Frog wanted us to leave and he walked over to the other side of his house and started staring at the wall. As if I was stupid enough to fall for his bad acting. Something shined from one of his drawers and I opened it.
"A broken sword," said Lucca. "It's part of the Masamune! It's engraved with archaic letters. I think I can read it. Um...mm.....M...e...l...c...h...i...o...r!"
Marle jumped up and down and said, "Melchior? That guy in Medina Village? What does this mean, Crono?" It means Melchior is a pretty common name. If it said Robert on it, would you automatically assume it was one of the Roberts you know? Friggin' ditz.
Frog acted as if nothing was going on, which proved my theories to be correct. If we were to steal half of the Legendary Masamune from your house would you let us leave and not try to stop us? He's just feigning all of this to earn my trust. Without a doubt, he's still working for Magus. When I leave his house, I'll have to be on guard every second.
Frog made no attempt to follow us as we left. I watched carefully on all sides. Any second now an army of talking frogs could ambush us. Lucca wacked me on the head with her gun and said, "what the hell is wrong with you?!!! You've been acting paranoid ever since we left Tata's house."
Poor Lucca. She was oblivious to the truth. I snapped my fingers and Robo replaced her.
Marle insisted that we go see Melchior in Medina Village and since I wanted to get out of this time period as fast as I could, I agreed. I was in no mood to let Frog and his fellow frogs have a meal of human's legs tonight. We hurried back to the end of time and made our way to Medina Village in 1,000 AD.
When we got to Melchior's house he smiled and said, "you're back again? Come to see my collection?" I showed him the broken Masamune and he nearly had a heart attack. Marle began clapping her hands over her head furiously like a crazed maniac and she said, "why would YOUR name be on that sword?"
"It's a long story," said Melchior. "You do want to hear this story, right?" As if we had any choice in the matter you stupid old fart.
"Yes," screamed Marle. "Tell us about the Masamune! Can you fix it somehow?" She was really overdramatic.
"Hmmmmmmmm," said Melchior. "It might be possible if we could get our hands on some Dreamstone, which the sword is made of."
"Dreamstone," said Robo, "No data in my memory banks of such a rock." Stupid robot. Obviously that's not its scientific name. Sheesh. Let's see now. Here on the periodic table we have Carbon, Oxygen, Mercury, Plutonium, Dreamstone....
"You can't find it anymore," said Melchior. "It was a red stone that was once used as money. Unfortunately, it hasn't been available for a very long time." Melchior stopped talking and showed us to the door. What the hell happened to the long story? I hate old people.
It might not be helpful in the battle, but it always made me smile. I mustered up all of my energy and swung my sword at the Masamune sending a wave of wind at him and he finally fell.
Marle ran over, jumped into my arms and kissed me on the nose. Well, I won't say that I don't still hate her, but every once in awhile I stop hating her for a moment. She can be cute, but like I said before, no amount of cuteness can erase the need for high maintenance. I gently set her down, for once not taking advantage of an opportunity to drop her on her face.
"They beat us big brother," said Mune. "That was fun," said Masa. Hey, almost dying is a lot of fun for me, too. Then they started talking about us fixing them and finding them an owner. Geez, did I say Marle was high maintenance?
After all the climbing and dodging rocks from weird-ohs we didn't find the Legendary Hero and although we did find the Legendary Sword, it was broken and it expected us to fix it...........so that we could give it to someone else. I say we just leave the damn thing here.
"So this is the Masamune," said Lucca. "It looks like it's been broken for ages." We turned to leave, but Masa sucked us up and threw us out the top of the mountain. Instead of falling to our deaths we just landed comfortably.
We decided to go back to the house where the Legendary Hero was supposed to live to see if he had come home. When we walked into Tata's house it didn't look like he was home, but then I noticed that little turd from the mountains. I discovered that HE was actually Tata.
"I...I'm sorry everyone," said Tata. "Some frog guy dropped this in a cafe. I thought I'd sell it, but then everyone started calling me a Hero. I couldn't bear to get rid of it!" Oh my god.......everyone on this entire continent thought that this little brat was some sort of legendary hero? Geez, if I hadn't shown up there's no doubt Magus would have conquered Guardia.
Wait a minute......did he say that a frog guy dropped it? I find it hard to believe that this frog guy doesn't have something to do with Frog. That is, the frog that I call Frog........from the forest. There's no way it's just a coincidence.
There must be more than one talking frogs out there. Perhaps the frog Tata got the hero medal from was one of Magus's cronies, who had just killed the real Legendary Hero and the frog that I call Frog has defected from Magus's army.
Magus plans to take over the world with his army of talking frogs! I'm sure of it! Our only chance is to go see Frog and get his help to invade Magus's hideout. For the moment I would have to treat Magus like an enemy until I could convince him of my good intentions. I just hope Frog doesn't have any second thoughts once he has to start fighting his own kind, because........
"I just can't fake it any longer," said Tata. "I'm no Hero...! I'm so ashamed! Here. Please take this!"
.....once we start killing frog after frog he might regret leaving Magus. The sounds of dying frogs could make Frog have second thoughts and if that happens I'll just have to make Frog part of the frog massacre. I'm on to you, Magus.
"Scoundrel," said Tata's father the oatmeal king. "I knew this was all a sham!" Tata had handed me the Hero Medal and I had just noticed it. Perhaps this was all fate. Perhaps I was the new Legendary Hero. If so, I couldn't befriend Magus like I wanted to. Damn.
Our next step is to go see Frog and beat some information out of him. I need to know just how many frogs are in Magus's army and how to get to his hideout. In order for our plan to work everything needed to be just right.
We returned to Frog's home and found him staring at the wall, sadly.
"Thee hath returned," said Frog. "Th, the Hero Medal! Aye... Then thou hast seen the lad. Yet there's nary a thing I canst do against Magus. The legendary Masamune is required to fight Magus." Suddenly I found myself confused. He talked as if he hated Magus, but he was depressed and had little desire to go after him.
Perhaps he didn't defect from Magus's troops. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that he got kicked out of the troops for some reason! Surely, if he had defected by choice he wouldn't be sitting around acting depressed. I'm on to you, Frog. I'd bet the only way he could redeem himself with Magus is to, oh, I don't know, kill the Legendary Hero and bring Magus his head. Now that I'm the Legendary Hero, I'd have to watch my back around Frog.
".....and I've no right to wield it. Please leave now." Frog wanted us to leave and he walked over to the other side of his house and started staring at the wall. As if I was stupid enough to fall for his bad acting. Something shined from one of his drawers and I opened it.
"A broken sword," said Lucca. "It's part of the Masamune! It's engraved with archaic letters. I think I can read it. Um...mm.....M...e...l...c...h...i...o...r!"
Marle jumped up and down and said, "Melchior? That guy in Medina Village? What does this mean, Crono?" It means Melchior is a pretty common name. If it said Robert on it, would you automatically assume it was one of the Roberts you know? Friggin' ditz.
Frog acted as if nothing was going on, which proved my theories to be correct. If we were to steal half of the Legendary Masamune from your house would you let us leave and not try to stop us? He's just feigning all of this to earn my trust. Without a doubt, he's still working for Magus. When I leave his house, I'll have to be on guard every second.
Frog made no attempt to follow us as we left. I watched carefully on all sides. Any second now an army of talking frogs could ambush us. Lucca wacked me on the head with her gun and said, "what the hell is wrong with you?!!! You've been acting paranoid ever since we left Tata's house."
Poor Lucca. She was oblivious to the truth. I snapped my fingers and Robo replaced her.
Marle insisted that we go see Melchior in Medina Village and since I wanted to get out of this time period as fast as I could, I agreed. I was in no mood to let Frog and his fellow frogs have a meal of human's legs tonight. We hurried back to the end of time and made our way to Medina Village in 1,000 AD.
When we got to Melchior's house he smiled and said, "you're back again? Come to see my collection?" I showed him the broken Masamune and he nearly had a heart attack. Marle began clapping her hands over her head furiously like a crazed maniac and she said, "why would YOUR name be on that sword?"
"It's a long story," said Melchior. "You do want to hear this story, right?" As if we had any choice in the matter you stupid old fart.
"Yes," screamed Marle. "Tell us about the Masamune! Can you fix it somehow?" She was really overdramatic.
"Hmmmmmmmm," said Melchior. "It might be possible if we could get our hands on some Dreamstone, which the sword is made of."
"Dreamstone," said Robo, "No data in my memory banks of such a rock." Stupid robot. Obviously that's not its scientific name. Sheesh. Let's see now. Here on the periodic table we have Carbon, Oxygen, Mercury, Plutonium, Dreamstone....
"You can't find it anymore," said Melchior. "It was a red stone that was once used as money. Unfortunately, it hasn't been available for a very long time." Melchior stopped talking and showed us to the door. What the hell happened to the long story? I hate old people.
Chapter Eleven: The Masamune
Across the bridge we came to a town named Dorino. The people there seemed a little slow. It's no surprise to me that this town doesn't exist in my time. They pointed me south to a town called Porre where a Legendary Hero was supposed to live.
Robo said that one of his arms was falling off and that he needed to fix it, so I sent him back to the end of time and brought Lucca back. She still looked a little mad at me for getting rid of her when she was trying to lecture me, but since she's not my girlfriend, I don't have to care. Grow some tits, dyke.
We made our way to Porre, but the Legendary Hero had already gone to look for the Legendary Sword up in the Legendary Mountains with the Legendary Cave, home of a Legendary Hamster.
I guess we should find this hero guy. The people in Porre all seemed really nice. Maybe when this is all over I can leave home to live with their ancestors in my time. These are definitely friendly people.
Just for kicks, we went to a forest near Porre and found a house built into the ground behind some bushes. "Who's there," said a voice out of nowhere. Our old friend Frognuts fell out of the sky. Lucca started hopping up and down.
"'Tis thee, Crono," said Frog. "Thou art here to practice thy skill in swordplay."
Geez, there he was talking like a goofball again. Hardly anyone else in this time talks like that. Why does he do it? I walked over towards him and his throat was shaking like crazy. I think he had just noticed Lucca and he was getting scared.
Lucca stepped forward, but before she could say anything I shoved her across the room and gave her a dirty look. She knew better than to annoy me right now.
"What?! The King hast been injured," said Frog. I hadn't said anything to him and as far as the King, I hadn't heard anything. I guess he can just sense things since he's a Frog.
"'Tis nary a think I canst do..... Please be on thy way," said Frog. I just looked at him and then at Marle and Lucca. "The hero I am not. I can do naught," he said. He seemed a little sad, so I chose not to ask him what the hell he actually was. The last time we met, so many weird things were happening to me that a talking frog was just another thing. Now, it sorta stands out in my mind. Lucca calmed down and we decided to leave him alone for the moment.
We left and made our way to the northern mountains to find this hero named Tata we had heard about. Just as soon as we got there a little boy came running out of the mountains.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah," he screamed as a monster was hot on his tail. We made short work of the monster and the little boy came up to us. "Th, this is a terrible place," he said. "Y, you'd best run away while you can!"
Obviously, the little turd hadn't noticed us dispatching the monster that was chasing him. Another monster came along and his defense was tremendous. Luckily, his big hammer was made of wood and Lucca just set it on fire.
As long as Lucca was with me I wouldn't have any trouble around here. I'll just try to make sure she doesn't figure that out or else her attitude might come back. I tried to ask the little kid where the Legendary Hero was at, but when I turned around he was already gone.
We made our way through the mountains and the forested areas and we came to this place with a really beautiful waterfall. We stood there to admire it for a second and then this jerk from the other side of the waterfall started throwing rocks at us. What an ass. We hurried along to get away from him.
When we got to the top of the waterfall I convinced Lucca and Marle to look over the edge to see how far up we were. I couldn't resist and I just pushed them both off of the waterfall. They both shrieked and fell onto a cliff with a conspicuously placed treasure chest. I laughed so hard that I fell down and the water washed me off of the edge and onto the cliff with them.
Lucca looked angry, but Marle just giggled like she always does. They picked me up and hurled me off of the cliff before I had a chance to defend myself.
With no other options, they jumped down to where I had landed. "Damnit, Crono," said Lucca. "Stop screwing around!"
We made our way back up to the top of the waterfall and although I wanted to, I didn't toss either of them off again. Eventually, we reached a strange cave in the side of the mountain and inside I found this kid talking about his wind or something and a sword far in the background.
I tried to take the sword and the kid got mad. He asked me if I was here for the Masamune.
Actually, I was looking for the Legendary Hero, but what the hell. I said yes and the little brat called his brother out.
"What is it, Mune," said his brother. "Not again! So! You want to get a name for yourself by grabbing the Masamune? What a buffoon!"
Actually, I didn't even know what the Masamune was until a minute ago, but he was peaking my interest in its importance. The two little brats just kept insulting humans over and over again with me being the primary target, but I kept my peace and let them have their moment of joy.
Then they said something about testing us and they changed into a couple of shaved down hamsters. I was really freaked out at this point.
We ganged up on Masa and once we took him out they stopped fighting.
"Hey, they're pretty tough," said Mune. "Only Cyrus made it this far," said Masa. "This time it's for real!" Both of the shaved hamsters jumped back and looked at each other, continuing their run of freaking me out.
"With Masa's bravery and............Mune's knowledge! Two become one!!" They rammed into each other and started to glow. Then they turned into one gigantic shaved down hamster. I have a feeling that whoever Cyrus was, he got eaten.
Robo said that one of his arms was falling off and that he needed to fix it, so I sent him back to the end of time and brought Lucca back. She still looked a little mad at me for getting rid of her when she was trying to lecture me, but since she's not my girlfriend, I don't have to care. Grow some tits, dyke.
We made our way to Porre, but the Legendary Hero had already gone to look for the Legendary Sword up in the Legendary Mountains with the Legendary Cave, home of a Legendary Hamster.
I guess we should find this hero guy. The people in Porre all seemed really nice. Maybe when this is all over I can leave home to live with their ancestors in my time. These are definitely friendly people.
Just for kicks, we went to a forest near Porre and found a house built into the ground behind some bushes. "Who's there," said a voice out of nowhere. Our old friend Frognuts fell out of the sky. Lucca started hopping up and down.
"'Tis thee, Crono," said Frog. "Thou art here to practice thy skill in swordplay."
Geez, there he was talking like a goofball again. Hardly anyone else in this time talks like that. Why does he do it? I walked over towards him and his throat was shaking like crazy. I think he had just noticed Lucca and he was getting scared.
Lucca stepped forward, but before she could say anything I shoved her across the room and gave her a dirty look. She knew better than to annoy me right now.
"What?! The King hast been injured," said Frog. I hadn't said anything to him and as far as the King, I hadn't heard anything. I guess he can just sense things since he's a Frog.
"'Tis nary a think I canst do..... Please be on thy way," said Frog. I just looked at him and then at Marle and Lucca. "The hero I am not. I can do naught," he said. He seemed a little sad, so I chose not to ask him what the hell he actually was. The last time we met, so many weird things were happening to me that a talking frog was just another thing. Now, it sorta stands out in my mind. Lucca calmed down and we decided to leave him alone for the moment.
We left and made our way to the northern mountains to find this hero named Tata we had heard about. Just as soon as we got there a little boy came running out of the mountains.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah," he screamed as a monster was hot on his tail. We made short work of the monster and the little boy came up to us. "Th, this is a terrible place," he said. "Y, you'd best run away while you can!"
Obviously, the little turd hadn't noticed us dispatching the monster that was chasing him. Another monster came along and his defense was tremendous. Luckily, his big hammer was made of wood and Lucca just set it on fire.
As long as Lucca was with me I wouldn't have any trouble around here. I'll just try to make sure she doesn't figure that out or else her attitude might come back. I tried to ask the little kid where the Legendary Hero was at, but when I turned around he was already gone.
We made our way through the mountains and the forested areas and we came to this place with a really beautiful waterfall. We stood there to admire it for a second and then this jerk from the other side of the waterfall started throwing rocks at us. What an ass. We hurried along to get away from him.
When we got to the top of the waterfall I convinced Lucca and Marle to look over the edge to see how far up we were. I couldn't resist and I just pushed them both off of the waterfall. They both shrieked and fell onto a cliff with a conspicuously placed treasure chest. I laughed so hard that I fell down and the water washed me off of the edge and onto the cliff with them.
Lucca looked angry, but Marle just giggled like she always does. They picked me up and hurled me off of the cliff before I had a chance to defend myself.
With no other options, they jumped down to where I had landed. "Damnit, Crono," said Lucca. "Stop screwing around!"
We made our way back up to the top of the waterfall and although I wanted to, I didn't toss either of them off again. Eventually, we reached a strange cave in the side of the mountain and inside I found this kid talking about his wind or something and a sword far in the background.
I tried to take the sword and the kid got mad. He asked me if I was here for the Masamune.
Actually, I was looking for the Legendary Hero, but what the hell. I said yes and the little brat called his brother out.
"What is it, Mune," said his brother. "Not again! So! You want to get a name for yourself by grabbing the Masamune? What a buffoon!"
Actually, I didn't even know what the Masamune was until a minute ago, but he was peaking my interest in its importance. The two little brats just kept insulting humans over and over again with me being the primary target, but I kept my peace and let them have their moment of joy.
Then they said something about testing us and they changed into a couple of shaved down hamsters. I was really freaked out at this point.
We ganged up on Masa and once we took him out they stopped fighting.
"Hey, they're pretty tough," said Mune. "Only Cyrus made it this far," said Masa. "This time it's for real!" Both of the shaved hamsters jumped back and looked at each other, continuing their run of freaking me out.
"With Masa's bravery and............Mune's knowledge! Two become one!!" They rammed into each other and started to glow. Then they turned into one gigantic shaved down hamster. I have a feeling that whoever Cyrus was, he got eaten.
Chapter Ten: Broken Bridges and Bones
I stopped by my house to see mom and she was excited to see me. She thought I had been executed and she told me that King Guardia's money was no good at our house anymore.
My next stop was the fairgrounds, so we could go back to 600 AD and meet Magus. At the fairgrounds I was smart enough to avoid getting run over by those damned racers again.
We got to the back of the fair and jumped into the gate. Amazingly, here we were at the end of time again. I guess it was worth it since a new pillar of light was open to us and we could still go to 600 AD.
I jumped in and we were back in the forest. We walked all the way out and finally came to the bridge that went to the south where Magus lived.
Just my luck. I need to use the bridge to get to Magus and hopefully remove my curse and that's the place Guardia and the Mystics decide to fight a war. Until the war was over I was stuck up here in Guardia.
The Knight Captain said something about needing rations, so obviously I was going to have to go get them. I tossed Marle over the side of the bridge and we turned to go. She managed to climb back up out of the river safely.
Lucca ran over to her and asked her if she was ok. Then Lucca looked at me and said, "why did you do that, Crono? That wasn't very nice, Crono, and I don't think-" Zap! Lucca was gone and Robo was here. That'll teach Lucca to think. Marle just walked up to me and giggled. I'm not sure if it was because she thought it was cute how I tossed her off of the bridge or if it was because there was a fish in her pants.
We made our way back to the castle and explained the situation to the cook. He gave us some jerky and told us to give it to the Knight Captain. This was enough rations for the whole army? Well, I guess I'm not a cook. When we got back to the bridge we gave the food to the Knight Captain, who jumped for joy and started talking about how the cook had saved the day. Then, he ate all the jerky.
Just then, the Mystics launched an offensive and the knights didn't seem to think they had a chance. The Knight Captain was too stuffed to fight, so I decided to just break through on my own.
Halfway across the bridge I ran into this floating green guy who called himself Ozzie. He seemed to be someone important, but his soldiers were no trouble at all for me and my magic. We chased Ozzie back, all the while killing his skeletons.
After triumphantly killing all of Ozzie's soldiers I turned to my right and I noticed something quite strange. There were two suns in the sky!!!! What the hell?!!!! Actually, there might be a third sun in the sky, but it's a little more blocked by the clouds than the other two. When did this planet get multiple suns?
I had been distracted by my fears of skin cancer just long enough for Ozzie to create a huge skeleton out of a bunch of his little skeletons.
"Don't mess with Crono, or you'll really be sorry," said Marle. Obviously, Marle was recalling some of her experiences with me. The fall from the bridge still being fresh in her mind.
"Go Zombor," said Ozzie. "Crush Sir Magus's enemies!" Zombor was little trouble. When I was done with him I just tossed him off of the bridge, too. Ozzie ran away and my heroic legacy continued in the Middle Ages.
My next stop was the fairgrounds, so we could go back to 600 AD and meet Magus. At the fairgrounds I was smart enough to avoid getting run over by those damned racers again.
We got to the back of the fair and jumped into the gate. Amazingly, here we were at the end of time again. I guess it was worth it since a new pillar of light was open to us and we could still go to 600 AD.
I jumped in and we were back in the forest. We walked all the way out and finally came to the bridge that went to the south where Magus lived.
Just my luck. I need to use the bridge to get to Magus and hopefully remove my curse and that's the place Guardia and the Mystics decide to fight a war. Until the war was over I was stuck up here in Guardia.
The Knight Captain said something about needing rations, so obviously I was going to have to go get them. I tossed Marle over the side of the bridge and we turned to go. She managed to climb back up out of the river safely.
Lucca ran over to her and asked her if she was ok. Then Lucca looked at me and said, "why did you do that, Crono? That wasn't very nice, Crono, and I don't think-" Zap! Lucca was gone and Robo was here. That'll teach Lucca to think. Marle just walked up to me and giggled. I'm not sure if it was because she thought it was cute how I tossed her off of the bridge or if it was because there was a fish in her pants.
We made our way back to the castle and explained the situation to the cook. He gave us some jerky and told us to give it to the Knight Captain. This was enough rations for the whole army? Well, I guess I'm not a cook. When we got back to the bridge we gave the food to the Knight Captain, who jumped for joy and started talking about how the cook had saved the day. Then, he ate all the jerky.
Just then, the Mystics launched an offensive and the knights didn't seem to think they had a chance. The Knight Captain was too stuffed to fight, so I decided to just break through on my own.
Halfway across the bridge I ran into this floating green guy who called himself Ozzie. He seemed to be someone important, but his soldiers were no trouble at all for me and my magic. We chased Ozzie back, all the while killing his skeletons.
After triumphantly killing all of Ozzie's soldiers I turned to my right and I noticed something quite strange. There were two suns in the sky!!!! What the hell?!!!! Actually, there might be a third sun in the sky, but it's a little more blocked by the clouds than the other two. When did this planet get multiple suns?
I had been distracted by my fears of skin cancer just long enough for Ozzie to create a huge skeleton out of a bunch of his little skeletons.
"Don't mess with Crono, or you'll really be sorry," said Marle. Obviously, Marle was recalling some of her experiences with me. The fall from the bridge still being fresh in her mind.
"Go Zombor," said Ozzie. "Crush Sir Magus's enemies!" Zombor was little trouble. When I was done with him I just tossed him off of the bridge, too. Ozzie ran away and my heroic legacy continued in the Middle Ages.
Chapter Nine: Crono Comes Out of the Closet
We jumped into the time gate that was marked for 1,000 AD and the next thing I knew we popped out of a closet into a room with some imps. Well, well, well, I bet this isn't my hometown and with my luck it's probably not even my time period. I really really hate my life.
The imps informed us that we were in a village of Mystics who weren't too fond of humans. They also said that an old man lived at the outskirts of town who was human. I decided to take their advice and avoid the town and go see who the old man was. Maybe he could help us.
I saw a huge light shining in the Mystic town square and my curiosity got the best of me. It was a bunch of Mystics circling another statue of that big guy we saw in the church back in 600 AD and chanting like a bunch of freaks. One of them said that Lavos was created by him and that his name was Magus. Surely if he was powerful enough to create that big thing that destroyed most of the planet in the future he was capable of removing my curse. I would definitely have to go see him. Another one of the Mystics said something about a huge magic beast in a cave out west. Maybe if the old man can't help us I'll go see this Heckran thing.
At the old man's house he just wanted to sell us weapons. He was no help at all. We left and went into the cave to try to track down Heckran. Halfway through the cave the sound of Marle's whiny voice was starting to get on my nerves. She was complaining about the cave being too damp and her hair needing shampoo and I really wanted to strangle her. I should have just left her at the end of time and brought Robo in the first place.
Magically, before my eyes Marle disintegrated and Robo appeared. I stumbled backwards and fell on the ground. Robo looked around at the cave and seemed a little confused. I thought for a second and figured I would try something.
I sure wish Marle were here instead of Lucca. Lucca disappeared and Marle appeared where Lucca had been standing. Wow! When did I get these types of powers?!!! Hey, even though I'm cursed, maybe I can make the best of it for now.
I sure wish a hot young blond with no clothes on was here instead of Robo............................damn.................. nothing. Well, even the great ones have limitations. I snapped my fingers and replaced Marle with Lucca.
We were finding our way through the cave pretty well and I noticed a waterfall with a pool at the bottom. I looked at Robo, who wasn't fond of water, snapped my fingers and he disappeared just as Marle appeared in his place. Not only did I like it when girls got their clothes all wet, but Lucca and Marle still hadn't had a bath in days. They were no longer women at all and instead they were these nasty, smelly things.
I grabbed Marle by the hair and threw her into the waterfall. She floated down into the pool. I looked at Lucca and pointed at the waterfall and she nodded her head before jumping in. I decided to walk down to the bottom.
What little bit of a bath they had managed to have, turned them back into women for the moment and we kept going through the cave. Marle's poofy pants looked kinda funny after they were soaking wet.
We arrived at the back of the cave and I could see a huge beast with claws coming towards us.
"Death to the Mystics enemies," said Heckran. Oh boy. Another fight.
I ran at Heckran and stabbed him with my sword, but he just brushed me aside like a rag doll. This guy was going to be tough. Lucca and Marle decided to try out some of their new magic and they knocked Heckran back against the cave.
Wow! For the first time ever they were more useful than I was! I decided to try out my magic and it did just as well. OK, so they're equally as useful as I am in this battle. Heckran was stumbling around trying to figure out what to do after being burned, frozen and electrocuted.
We each got him once more and he fell down on the ground while mumbling something about Magus creating Lavos and failing to destroy humanity. Amazing! The first really tough enemy we fight after learning how to use magic is only susceptible to magic. I mean what are the odds?!!!
At the end of the cave was a whirlpool. I tossed Marle in to test it and see if she was ok. I didn't see where she went, but since death was no big thing with me and Lucca, we jumped in, too. We popped out of the water right next to Lucca's house. We were finally home. Except for Robo, who has no home, because he's a robot and no one loves him.
The imps informed us that we were in a village of Mystics who weren't too fond of humans. They also said that an old man lived at the outskirts of town who was human. I decided to take their advice and avoid the town and go see who the old man was. Maybe he could help us.
I saw a huge light shining in the Mystic town square and my curiosity got the best of me. It was a bunch of Mystics circling another statue of that big guy we saw in the church back in 600 AD and chanting like a bunch of freaks. One of them said that Lavos was created by him and that his name was Magus. Surely if he was powerful enough to create that big thing that destroyed most of the planet in the future he was capable of removing my curse. I would definitely have to go see him. Another one of the Mystics said something about a huge magic beast in a cave out west. Maybe if the old man can't help us I'll go see this Heckran thing.
At the old man's house he just wanted to sell us weapons. He was no help at all. We left and went into the cave to try to track down Heckran. Halfway through the cave the sound of Marle's whiny voice was starting to get on my nerves. She was complaining about the cave being too damp and her hair needing shampoo and I really wanted to strangle her. I should have just left her at the end of time and brought Robo in the first place.
Magically, before my eyes Marle disintegrated and Robo appeared. I stumbled backwards and fell on the ground. Robo looked around at the cave and seemed a little confused. I thought for a second and figured I would try something.
I sure wish Marle were here instead of Lucca. Lucca disappeared and Marle appeared where Lucca had been standing. Wow! When did I get these types of powers?!!! Hey, even though I'm cursed, maybe I can make the best of it for now.
I sure wish a hot young blond with no clothes on was here instead of Robo............................damn.................. nothing. Well, even the great ones have limitations. I snapped my fingers and replaced Marle with Lucca.
We were finding our way through the cave pretty well and I noticed a waterfall with a pool at the bottom. I looked at Robo, who wasn't fond of water, snapped my fingers and he disappeared just as Marle appeared in his place. Not only did I like it when girls got their clothes all wet, but Lucca and Marle still hadn't had a bath in days. They were no longer women at all and instead they were these nasty, smelly things.
I grabbed Marle by the hair and threw her into the waterfall. She floated down into the pool. I looked at Lucca and pointed at the waterfall and she nodded her head before jumping in. I decided to walk down to the bottom.
What little bit of a bath they had managed to have, turned them back into women for the moment and we kept going through the cave. Marle's poofy pants looked kinda funny after they were soaking wet.
We arrived at the back of the cave and I could see a huge beast with claws coming towards us.
"Death to the Mystics enemies," said Heckran. Oh boy. Another fight.
I ran at Heckran and stabbed him with my sword, but he just brushed me aside like a rag doll. This guy was going to be tough. Lucca and Marle decided to try out some of their new magic and they knocked Heckran back against the cave.
Wow! For the first time ever they were more useful than I was! I decided to try out my magic and it did just as well. OK, so they're equally as useful as I am in this battle. Heckran was stumbling around trying to figure out what to do after being burned, frozen and electrocuted.
We each got him once more and he fell down on the ground while mumbling something about Magus creating Lavos and failing to destroy humanity. Amazing! The first really tough enemy we fight after learning how to use magic is only susceptible to magic. I mean what are the odds?!!!
At the end of the cave was a whirlpool. I tossed Marle in to test it and see if she was ok. I didn't see where she went, but since death was no big thing with me and Lucca, we jumped in, too. We popped out of the water right next to Lucca's house. We were finally home. Except for Robo, who has no home, because he's a robot and no one loves him.
Chapter Eight: The End of Time
Finally, I could go home........or so I thought as we didn't appear in the time period I had hoped for.
Instead, we ended up in this weird place with nothing but blackness all around us and in the middle of it all we stood on what looked like a town square. There was an old man asleep just under the lamp post in the middle. He was snoring and making snot bubbles. It was kinda gross.
I woke him up and he said, "ah, more guests!"
"Where are we," said Lucca.
"The end of time," said the old man. DAMNIT!!!!! I'll never get home.
"Blah blah blah blah space time continuum blah blah blah only three people can travel in your party at once," said the old man, "or else you'll end up here when you try to go through a gate."
"So, one of us must remain here," said Lucca. "Who will it be, Crono?" Why were they asking me? I had been ignoring the whole conversation.
I looked around awkwardly and said, "I think the old man should stay." Marle giggled and Lucca kicked me in the nuts. I fell on the ground and Robo kicked me in the side and smiled. I guess he was showing that we were friends like the robots from before.
"One of US four, Crono," said Lucca. Hey, I knew that. I just hate talking. I guess I'm into the actions speak louder than words sort of thing, but for once they were making me speak up.
Lucca shook her head, rolled her eyes and said, "one of us has to stay here, because we can't travel in groups greater than three or else every time we use a gate we'll always end up here again."
I nodded and said, "fine, I'll stay here." Marle giggled again, Lucca kicked me in the nuts again and I fell to the ground. Crap! You see?!! This is why I never talk!!!! Damnit! My nuts are sore! Robo decided not to display his friendship again and he helped me to my feet.
"You can't stay here," said Robo. "It has to be one of us three." Lucca's arms were crossed and she nodded at me. Marle was still smiling at me.
I looked at them and said, "why?" Lucca's look of arrogance changed into confusion and she said, "I don't know. You just can't for some reason." I rolled my eyes and sighed, because now I knew they were just messing with me. I grabbed Lucca by the collar and said, "in that case, you stupid wench! How about you, me and Robo go back to your workshop, create a second timekey and that way we can travel in two groups of two!" I threw Lucca to the ground and the old man laughed.
Robo walked over to Lucca and kicked her in the side before helping her up. I had taught him well. She gave him a confused look, rubbed her side and then walked back over to me.
"I'm sorry, Crono," said Lucca. "We can't make a second time key. We can't travel in groups of more than three and you can't leave the group no matter how much you want."
I didn't believe her, because the things she was saying were utterly ridiculous, so I tried to force Robo, Marle and Lucca into the traveling party. She was right. I was trapped! I had to travel with at least two of these people for all eternity! Why is this happening to me?!!!! I banged my head against the lamp post for an hour or two.
The old man calmed me down and pulled me aside. "Crono," said the old man. "Don't feel bad. How about you go check out what's in the back room over there. Afterwards, I bet if you keep searching, someday you'll find a way to fix your problem."
He was right. I nodded in agreement. Surely, if I just kept my eyes and ears open I could find a way to break the curse that was on me. Until then, I would have to deal with 2 of these losers at a time. At least Robo wasn't so bad.
I grabbed Lucca and Marle and put them in my group. We went into the back room and this weird little guy named Spekkio told us he would give us magical powers if we walked around the room 3 times. I figured it was worth it, so I did it.
"No cheating," he said. "I'm watching!" I looked at him in frustration and walked around the edge of the room again, three times.
I walked back up to him again and he said, "no cheating! I'm watching!" I clenched my fists and walked back to the door we came in. I pressed my nuts up against the edge of the door and proceeded to walk around the room 3 times where my nuts never left the edge of the wall once.
I walked back up to him, drew my sword and looked him in the eyes.
"Very good," he said. I felt a new power in my body and I could now control the element of lightning. Hey, maybe this curse could be livable. I got rid of Marle and brought Robo in, but since he was a robot Spekkio couldn't give him any magical powers.
When we walked back out the old man seemed impressed and told us to go back to our time, because the longer we remained at the end of time the harder it would be to change what needed to be changed. Lucca and Marle assumed he meant Lavos and he probably did, but according to me he was talking about uncursing me. I figured Robo would be the only one capable of handling himself stuck at the end of time, so I took Marle and Lucca with me. It was hard, but I do have some sense of decency.
Instead, we ended up in this weird place with nothing but blackness all around us and in the middle of it all we stood on what looked like a town square. There was an old man asleep just under the lamp post in the middle. He was snoring and making snot bubbles. It was kinda gross.
I woke him up and he said, "ah, more guests!"
"Where are we," said Lucca.
"The end of time," said the old man. DAMNIT!!!!! I'll never get home.
"Blah blah blah blah space time continuum blah blah blah only three people can travel in your party at once," said the old man, "or else you'll end up here when you try to go through a gate."
"So, one of us must remain here," said Lucca. "Who will it be, Crono?" Why were they asking me? I had been ignoring the whole conversation.
I looked around awkwardly and said, "I think the old man should stay." Marle giggled and Lucca kicked me in the nuts. I fell on the ground and Robo kicked me in the side and smiled. I guess he was showing that we were friends like the robots from before.
"One of US four, Crono," said Lucca. Hey, I knew that. I just hate talking. I guess I'm into the actions speak louder than words sort of thing, but for once they were making me speak up.
Lucca shook her head, rolled her eyes and said, "one of us has to stay here, because we can't travel in groups greater than three or else every time we use a gate we'll always end up here again."
I nodded and said, "fine, I'll stay here." Marle giggled again, Lucca kicked me in the nuts again and I fell to the ground. Crap! You see?!! This is why I never talk!!!! Damnit! My nuts are sore! Robo decided not to display his friendship again and he helped me to my feet.
"You can't stay here," said Robo. "It has to be one of us three." Lucca's arms were crossed and she nodded at me. Marle was still smiling at me.
I looked at them and said, "why?" Lucca's look of arrogance changed into confusion and she said, "I don't know. You just can't for some reason." I rolled my eyes and sighed, because now I knew they were just messing with me. I grabbed Lucca by the collar and said, "in that case, you stupid wench! How about you, me and Robo go back to your workshop, create a second timekey and that way we can travel in two groups of two!" I threw Lucca to the ground and the old man laughed.
Robo walked over to Lucca and kicked her in the side before helping her up. I had taught him well. She gave him a confused look, rubbed her side and then walked back over to me.
"I'm sorry, Crono," said Lucca. "We can't make a second time key. We can't travel in groups of more than three and you can't leave the group no matter how much you want."
I didn't believe her, because the things she was saying were utterly ridiculous, so I tried to force Robo, Marle and Lucca into the traveling party. She was right. I was trapped! I had to travel with at least two of these people for all eternity! Why is this happening to me?!!!! I banged my head against the lamp post for an hour or two.
The old man calmed me down and pulled me aside. "Crono," said the old man. "Don't feel bad. How about you go check out what's in the back room over there. Afterwards, I bet if you keep searching, someday you'll find a way to fix your problem."
He was right. I nodded in agreement. Surely, if I just kept my eyes and ears open I could find a way to break the curse that was on me. Until then, I would have to deal with 2 of these losers at a time. At least Robo wasn't so bad.
I grabbed Lucca and Marle and put them in my group. We went into the back room and this weird little guy named Spekkio told us he would give us magical powers if we walked around the room 3 times. I figured it was worth it, so I did it.
"No cheating," he said. "I'm watching!" I looked at him in frustration and walked around the edge of the room again, three times.
I walked back up to him again and he said, "no cheating! I'm watching!" I clenched my fists and walked back to the door we came in. I pressed my nuts up against the edge of the door and proceeded to walk around the room 3 times where my nuts never left the edge of the wall once.
I walked back up to him, drew my sword and looked him in the eyes.
"Very good," he said. I felt a new power in my body and I could now control the element of lightning. Hey, maybe this curse could be livable. I got rid of Marle and brought Robo in, but since he was a robot Spekkio couldn't give him any magical powers.
When we walked back out the old man seemed impressed and told us to go back to our time, because the longer we remained at the end of time the harder it would be to change what needed to be changed. Lucca and Marle assumed he meant Lavos and he probably did, but according to me he was talking about uncursing me. I figured Robo would be the only one capable of handling himself stuck at the end of time, so I took Marle and Lucca with me. It was hard, but I do have some sense of decency.
Chapter Seven: Robo's Beat Down
We got to the northern factory and Robo fixed the security system so we could get inside. We ran around traveling on elevators and conveyor belts to get through the place and I was amazed to finally have help in our random battles.
Robo was a little slow, but for once I wasn't carrying the weight of the entire team. If I can just find another robot I could ditch Marle, too.
On one particular conveyor belt we bumped into a robot and a crane came down above us. I tried putting Marle into the crane, so it would take her and forget about us, but it was big enough that it scooped all three of us up at once. It lifted us up and dropped us onto another conveyor belt. We were attacked over and over again until we got to the end of the conveyor belt. It's a good thing Robo's here.
Eventually, we found our way to the controls to operate the crane. We moved some barrels that had blocked our way earlier. The whole time we were making our way through the factory we kept finding treasure chests everywhere. Some of them had new weapons.
We found a new weapon for all three of us and the only weapon we found that none of us could use was a gun that Lucca would have been able to use if she had come along with us. It's odd that we found 4 new weapons that were the exact weapons of choice for all of us. Not once did we find something like an axe or a whip that would have been completely worthless to any of us.
We found the password we needed to open a locked door and entered it in. I flicked this extremely important looking switch in a room meant only to give the switch a place to exist and it set the security system off. We ran as fast as we could to get out and if it hadn't been for Robo throwing himself into a closing door we would have been trapped. I tripped Marle in hopes that she would get stuck, but when she didn't I had to act like it was an accident.
On our way out, a group of robots that looked identical to Robo stepped in front of us. Robo seemed excited and said that they were his friends. One of them punched Robo in the face and he fell backwards. I guess that's how robots show friendship. I wanted to make sure Robo knew how much I appreciated him being around, so I kicked him in the side while he was on the ground and smiled at him.
"Wh-what are you doing," said Robo.
"You are defective," said one of the robots. I cringed as I realized that I had misinterpreted the punch and I helped Robo get to his feet. The robots explained that his original purpose had been to destroy intruders and he realized that he was in fact, a defect.
I tapped Robo on the shoulder and pointed at Marle. Perhaps if Robo were to eliminate her he would be forgiven. He could just sneak me outside later. Hey, you've gotta make sacrifices in order to survive.
Like a dumbass, Robo walked right back to where he had been punched the first time. All of the robots started wailing on him. It was time to battle again. Marle just stood there and pointed out that Robo was getting beaten up instead of trying to fight. Well, that means she accomplished the same thing she does in any other battle.
I tried to help, but every time I got close I just bounced off the robots. They were invincible. Robo was beaten to a pulp and thrown into a garbage can. I shrugged my shoulders and began to head towards the exit.
"You cocky boxes of bolts," said Marle. "You'll never get away with this!"
I groaned, turned back around and joined Marle. Of COURSE they'll get away with it. We tried to fight these guys when Robo was with us and they were invincible, but now that he's gone she thinks we'll have better luck? I think I'll just stick around to make sure Marle dies and then I'll make a run for it.
The robots fell one by one with little effort. Marle spanked her ass at them and it seemed to make them mad. It was actually kinda cute and I had my first positive thought about her in several days. After I killed all six of them with almost no help from her, that good memory seemed distant again. As for the invincibility wearing off, hey, don't ask me. Maybe Marle knows robots better than I do with all of her mistressing around here in the future.
We dragged Robo's trashed metal body back to Lucca in order to see if she could fix him. She had little trouble fixing him and Robo decided to help us out. I was glad to see that he was ok, but I was disappointed that Lucca didn't take my suggestion to use Marle for spare parts if needed. We walked into the back room and stepped into the time gate. "Hang onto your shorts," said Lucca.
Robo was a little slow, but for once I wasn't carrying the weight of the entire team. If I can just find another robot I could ditch Marle, too.
On one particular conveyor belt we bumped into a robot and a crane came down above us. I tried putting Marle into the crane, so it would take her and forget about us, but it was big enough that it scooped all three of us up at once. It lifted us up and dropped us onto another conveyor belt. We were attacked over and over again until we got to the end of the conveyor belt. It's a good thing Robo's here.
Eventually, we found our way to the controls to operate the crane. We moved some barrels that had blocked our way earlier. The whole time we were making our way through the factory we kept finding treasure chests everywhere. Some of them had new weapons.
We found a new weapon for all three of us and the only weapon we found that none of us could use was a gun that Lucca would have been able to use if she had come along with us. It's odd that we found 4 new weapons that were the exact weapons of choice for all of us. Not once did we find something like an axe or a whip that would have been completely worthless to any of us.
We found the password we needed to open a locked door and entered it in. I flicked this extremely important looking switch in a room meant only to give the switch a place to exist and it set the security system off. We ran as fast as we could to get out and if it hadn't been for Robo throwing himself into a closing door we would have been trapped. I tripped Marle in hopes that she would get stuck, but when she didn't I had to act like it was an accident.
On our way out, a group of robots that looked identical to Robo stepped in front of us. Robo seemed excited and said that they were his friends. One of them punched Robo in the face and he fell backwards. I guess that's how robots show friendship. I wanted to make sure Robo knew how much I appreciated him being around, so I kicked him in the side while he was on the ground and smiled at him.
"Wh-what are you doing," said Robo.
"You are defective," said one of the robots. I cringed as I realized that I had misinterpreted the punch and I helped Robo get to his feet. The robots explained that his original purpose had been to destroy intruders and he realized that he was in fact, a defect.
I tapped Robo on the shoulder and pointed at Marle. Perhaps if Robo were to eliminate her he would be forgiven. He could just sneak me outside later. Hey, you've gotta make sacrifices in order to survive.
Like a dumbass, Robo walked right back to where he had been punched the first time. All of the robots started wailing on him. It was time to battle again. Marle just stood there and pointed out that Robo was getting beaten up instead of trying to fight. Well, that means she accomplished the same thing she does in any other battle.
I tried to help, but every time I got close I just bounced off the robots. They were invincible. Robo was beaten to a pulp and thrown into a garbage can. I shrugged my shoulders and began to head towards the exit.
"You cocky boxes of bolts," said Marle. "You'll never get away with this!"
I groaned, turned back around and joined Marle. Of COURSE they'll get away with it. We tried to fight these guys when Robo was with us and they were invincible, but now that he's gone she thinks we'll have better luck? I think I'll just stick around to make sure Marle dies and then I'll make a run for it.
The robots fell one by one with little effort. Marle spanked her ass at them and it seemed to make them mad. It was actually kinda cute and I had my first positive thought about her in several days. After I killed all six of them with almost no help from her, that good memory seemed distant again. As for the invincibility wearing off, hey, don't ask me. Maybe Marle knows robots better than I do with all of her mistressing around here in the future.
We dragged Robo's trashed metal body back to Lucca in order to see if she could fix him. She had little trouble fixing him and Robo decided to help us out. I was glad to see that he was ok, but I was disappointed that Lucca didn't take my suggestion to use Marle for spare parts if needed. We walked into the back room and stepped into the time gate. "Hang onto your shorts," said Lucca.
Chapter Six: The Future Totally Sucks
When we got back to the surface, the raunchy, nasty people surrounded us to see if we had any food, so I just pushed my way through them. Doan gave me some sort of bike key to use. Before moving on to Proto Dome, we took a side trip to an area of sewers that some monsters were supposedly ruling and giving the locals headaches from.
We ran into a few weird fishmen and some talking frogs, but it was nothing I couldn't handle. Every time I made even the slightest noise the fishmen would come out in full force. A cat meowed and the fishmen attacked. I tripped over a soda can and they attacked.
At one point I found a piece of cheese on the ground. I'm not sure why, but I had an uncontrollable urge to piss on the cheese. I had to go to the bathroom anyway, so I just whipped it out and sprayed all over the cheese.
Marle found my nudity uncomfortable, but it seemed to have no effect on Lucca whatsoever. One of the local rats got angry and the noise he made alerted some more fishmen. We killed them and continued walking through the sewers.
Eventually, I came to this big caterpillar-like thing named Krawlie who was bragging to his friends about beating us up. We made short work of him, well, I made short work of him. Marle might have healed me once or twice.
The first thing I noticed when we came out of the sewers was this huge mountain. Curiosity got the best of us and we started climbing up it. A few steps into it and a strong wind picked us up and hurled us down off the mountain.
I was a little disoriented when I landed as I had spun around a few times. I could see Lucca and she was getting to her feet, but I couldn't see Marle, although I could hear a few muffled pleas for help. I looked all around, but she was nowhere to be found. Lucca came over to me and said,
"Crono are you going to stop sitting on Marle's face anytime soon?" I looked down and sure enough there was Marle all red in the face. I felt terrible about having been sitting on her face, but I chose to hide my feelings of regret by laughing hysterically and tapping her on the forehead. Lucca knocked me over and Marle gasped for air.
Beyond the mountain was another dome where this strange old man and his blue blob of a girlfriend were living. He mumbled something about his masterpieces and somebody named Schala. We felt it was best to leave him alone and return to the sewers.
After making our way back across the sewers, we came to some more ruins where a strange device was sitting there almost like it was waiting for us. Naturally, I had just been given a key, so I tried it out.
Oddly enough, the key worked, but before I could take off some robot goons surrounded us and started spouting about "the man". Obviously, these were ghetto robots, but when I looked behind me I saw this fruity looking guy in purple spandex.
"Like, thanks for the intro," said Johnny, who must be "the man" they were talking about. He challenged me to a race and I agreed. The race started, but every time I got in front of him, he would start ramming my ass over and over. Whenever he would get in front of me, my vehicle would start ramming him in the ass over and over. What's the point of racing when the two cars are magnetically attracted to each other. I just sat behind him the whole way ramming him in the ass and then just before the finish line I swerved to the left and used one of my boosters. It was an easy win.
I climbed out of the bike on the other edge of the ruins and I realized that I would have to go back and get Marle and Lucca before moving on. I was tempted to leave them behind since I had the gate key, but I wasn't sure how to use it exactly just yet. I turned to get back in the jet bike and I realized that they were standing right behind me. I could have sworn I rode in the bike all alone. Oh well. I guess I shouldn't try to answer questions that can't be answered. They were here and that's all that mattered.
At last, we reached Proto Dome where the gate was supposed to be. We killed a few crazy robots and made our way to the back. I was just about to bust up an old broken down robot when Lucca grabbed my arm and stopped me.
"I can fix it," said Lucca.
"Won't it attack us," said Marle.
"I'll make sure it won't," said Lucca, "Machines aren't capable of evil." They sure fooled me.
"Humans make them that way," said Lucca.
Marle looked at Lucca and said, "you pity them don't you." I'll tell you who I pity. Me for having to spend all day long with Skanka the robot-lover and Skankle the ditz princess. Lucca wasn't too bad, but a hatred for Marle was growing and growing in my belly. Before we head back to our time I might pull Lucca aside and talk her into leaving Marle behind.
Lucca proceeded to fix the robot as well as reprogramming it to make sure it wouldn't attack us. It's amazing how someone from the year 1000 is capable of fixing and manipulating technology from 1300 years in the future.
Once again, I'm the silent type and I don't ask questions. Lucca turned the robot on and it started jumping around.
"Good morning," said Marle.
"Mo.....good morning, mistress," said the robot. "What is your command?"
AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Marle is the robot's mistress,
AAAAHAHAHAHAHA. Wow! She gets around, doesn't she. Where was I at? I can only assume she's been here before. She must have another gate key.
"I'm not your mistress. I'm Marle," said Marle. She was obviously embarrassed that the robot had recognized her. I was praying that he would mount her right away. Friggin' robot whore.
"This is Crono," said Marle, "and Lucca here, fixed you!" The girls convinced him just to call us by our names without any formal titles and we named him Robo.
Lucca asked him where all the people were at and he seemed confused. It was obvious that he had been sitting around doing nothing for awhile.........other than Marle, his mistress. The power was off, so we couldn't open the door to where the gate was at. Together, me and Lucca used my sword and her flame thrower to destroy the huge, hard metal dragon tank, but the only way to get through this door was by going all the way up north to a factory and getting the power turned on. I don't understand their thinking. We could be through that thing in 5 seconds, tops. I knew it wasn't worth it to argue, so I agreed.
Robo said that one of us would have to stay behind and I was about to volunteer when Lucca said, "then Marle or I will stay." They made me choose which one and after a little bit of thought I decided to leave Lucca behind. The chance to get away from Marle was certainly not something to turn down, but the job of the person who remains behind is to open a door and this task is far too complicated for Marle.
We ran into a few weird fishmen and some talking frogs, but it was nothing I couldn't handle. Every time I made even the slightest noise the fishmen would come out in full force. A cat meowed and the fishmen attacked. I tripped over a soda can and they attacked.
At one point I found a piece of cheese on the ground. I'm not sure why, but I had an uncontrollable urge to piss on the cheese. I had to go to the bathroom anyway, so I just whipped it out and sprayed all over the cheese.
Marle found my nudity uncomfortable, but it seemed to have no effect on Lucca whatsoever. One of the local rats got angry and the noise he made alerted some more fishmen. We killed them and continued walking through the sewers.
Eventually, I came to this big caterpillar-like thing named Krawlie who was bragging to his friends about beating us up. We made short work of him, well, I made short work of him. Marle might have healed me once or twice.
The first thing I noticed when we came out of the sewers was this huge mountain. Curiosity got the best of us and we started climbing up it. A few steps into it and a strong wind picked us up and hurled us down off the mountain.
I was a little disoriented when I landed as I had spun around a few times. I could see Lucca and she was getting to her feet, but I couldn't see Marle, although I could hear a few muffled pleas for help. I looked all around, but she was nowhere to be found. Lucca came over to me and said,
"Crono are you going to stop sitting on Marle's face anytime soon?" I looked down and sure enough there was Marle all red in the face. I felt terrible about having been sitting on her face, but I chose to hide my feelings of regret by laughing hysterically and tapping her on the forehead. Lucca knocked me over and Marle gasped for air.
Beyond the mountain was another dome where this strange old man and his blue blob of a girlfriend were living. He mumbled something about his masterpieces and somebody named Schala. We felt it was best to leave him alone and return to the sewers.
After making our way back across the sewers, we came to some more ruins where a strange device was sitting there almost like it was waiting for us. Naturally, I had just been given a key, so I tried it out.
Oddly enough, the key worked, but before I could take off some robot goons surrounded us and started spouting about "the man". Obviously, these were ghetto robots, but when I looked behind me I saw this fruity looking guy in purple spandex.
"Like, thanks for the intro," said Johnny, who must be "the man" they were talking about. He challenged me to a race and I agreed. The race started, but every time I got in front of him, he would start ramming my ass over and over. Whenever he would get in front of me, my vehicle would start ramming him in the ass over and over. What's the point of racing when the two cars are magnetically attracted to each other. I just sat behind him the whole way ramming him in the ass and then just before the finish line I swerved to the left and used one of my boosters. It was an easy win.
I climbed out of the bike on the other edge of the ruins and I realized that I would have to go back and get Marle and Lucca before moving on. I was tempted to leave them behind since I had the gate key, but I wasn't sure how to use it exactly just yet. I turned to get back in the jet bike and I realized that they were standing right behind me. I could have sworn I rode in the bike all alone. Oh well. I guess I shouldn't try to answer questions that can't be answered. They were here and that's all that mattered.
At last, we reached Proto Dome where the gate was supposed to be. We killed a few crazy robots and made our way to the back. I was just about to bust up an old broken down robot when Lucca grabbed my arm and stopped me.
"I can fix it," said Lucca.
"Won't it attack us," said Marle.
"I'll make sure it won't," said Lucca, "Machines aren't capable of evil." They sure fooled me.
"Humans make them that way," said Lucca.
Marle looked at Lucca and said, "you pity them don't you." I'll tell you who I pity. Me for having to spend all day long with Skanka the robot-lover and Skankle the ditz princess. Lucca wasn't too bad, but a hatred for Marle was growing and growing in my belly. Before we head back to our time I might pull Lucca aside and talk her into leaving Marle behind.
Lucca proceeded to fix the robot as well as reprogramming it to make sure it wouldn't attack us. It's amazing how someone from the year 1000 is capable of fixing and manipulating technology from 1300 years in the future.
Once again, I'm the silent type and I don't ask questions. Lucca turned the robot on and it started jumping around.
"Good morning," said Marle.
"Mo.....good morning, mistress," said the robot. "What is your command?"
AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Marle is the robot's mistress,
AAAAHAHAHAHAHA. Wow! She gets around, doesn't she. Where was I at? I can only assume she's been here before. She must have another gate key.
"I'm not your mistress. I'm Marle," said Marle. She was obviously embarrassed that the robot had recognized her. I was praying that he would mount her right away. Friggin' robot whore.
"This is Crono," said Marle, "and Lucca here, fixed you!" The girls convinced him just to call us by our names without any formal titles and we named him Robo.
Lucca asked him where all the people were at and he seemed confused. It was obvious that he had been sitting around doing nothing for awhile.........other than Marle, his mistress. The power was off, so we couldn't open the door to where the gate was at. Together, me and Lucca used my sword and her flame thrower to destroy the huge, hard metal dragon tank, but the only way to get through this door was by going all the way up north to a factory and getting the power turned on. I don't understand their thinking. We could be through that thing in 5 seconds, tops. I knew it wasn't worth it to argue, so I agreed.
Robo said that one of us would have to stay behind and I was about to volunteer when Lucca said, "then Marle or I will stay." They made me choose which one and after a little bit of thought I decided to leave Lucca behind. The chance to get away from Marle was certainly not something to turn down, but the job of the person who remains behind is to open a door and this task is far too complicated for Marle.
Chapter Five: Tranny Dome
We were no longer in a forest and the room seemed highly civilized. I'd bet money that Marle is too stupid to realize that we can't be anywhere other than the future.
"The chancellor can't find us here," said Marle. Doesn't she mean the chancellors?
"The civilization seems so advanced," said Lucca.
"Like we're in another world," said Marle. Well, we did jump into a time gate Princess Notallthere. How was I ever attracted to this girl? Oh yeah, sex.
We left the Bangor Dome and went south.
"Welcome to the Trann Dome," said an extremly nasty looking guy all dressed in rags. "Got any cash?" I shook my head, not wanting to get robbed, have to insult him by turning down his merchandise, or sit through a show put on by somebody living in the Tranny Dome.
There were only 6 people living there and 5 of them were men who all looked exactly the same. The lone girl was sitting in the fetal position. I didn't want to find out what was going on, so we left and went back north. Whatever time period we were in, the world was extremely, extremely bleak. The dirt was toxic, there were no plants and the air was so polluted that the sun never shined. It's a good thing we stocked up on tonic and ether before we came.
"Damnit," said Lucca. "Another rat just stole a tonic from us!" In spite of my attempts to make my lady friends return to the time gate, they were now dragging me across some sort of ruins with a lot of freaky mutants and thieving rats. Lucca seemed to hate the rats more than I did and Marle had made it her mission in life to stand behind me with her fingernails in my shoulders as if I enjoyed protecting her or something.
I was doing all of the fighting for our group. I got to run up and destroy the enemies with my sword while they stood back and fired a shot here and there. Marle usually missed and then giggled like it was ok. At least Lucca felt bad that I was carrying the whole team. I would trade both of them for that stupid frog we met in the middle ages.
Once we got across the ruins we came to yet another dome and a lot of gross-looking people inside of it. An old man named Doan approached us. He seemed interested in our trip across the ruins. He told us that there was some sort of food storage down a ladder, but they couldn't get to it because of the crazy robot guards.
I guess I got too close to the ladder or something because Doan suddenly said, "are you going down below?"
"Of course," said Marle.
"Gotta try, right," said Lucca. There was no need for me to speak up, although I would have chimed in with, "good luck ladies, I'll be in the Enertron if you need me." I chose to remain silent as usual. I knew they would both die if I didn't go with them.
We made our way through the area and not a single robot had attacked us yet. I was starting to think that Doan might be senile when a huge guardian robot landed on top of us. As was typical for my group, I did most of the fighting. Marle healed me from time to time when things got rough. I guess the girls aren't completely useless. We beat the huge robot and made our way into the storage room.
"Phew, something reeks," said Marle. It was Lucca and Marle. They didn't realize we were leaving on a journey and forgot to pack any tampons or deodorant. Although, Marle sure remembered to bring a bunch of arrows for that worthless crossbow.
"The refrigeration's failed," said Lucca. "Everything's totally rotten." Lucca was trying to play it off like it was the rotten food, but I knew better. They should combine their skank into a doubletech. Maybe then they could contribute in the battles. Marle found a dead guy in the back clutching some seeds and a note that told us to catch a rat that knew a secret.
We caught the rat and he gave us a code for one of the side rooms. I beat a few tonics out of him for the sake of his brothers from the ruins. We entered the coded area and made our way to the back. There was this weird shiny thing with buttons and stuff and a big glass thing in the back.
"Good! The computer's still operational! If we run a search on time warps, we might find our Gate," said Lucca. I was just about to say that, but she beat me to it.
"East of Arris Dome," said Lucca. "That would be Proto Dome, I believe." As long as it's not Tranny Dome it's all good to me.
Marle walked up to the device and said, "what does this button do?" Marle and Lucca watched in horror as they witnessed just what had caused the world to become so bleak. In the year 1999 AD on what would come to be known as "the day of Lavos" some strange creature popped its head onto the surface of the planet and destroyed almost everything.
"Lavos," said Lucca. "Is that what's destroying our world?"
"We must truly be in the future," said Marle.
HA! I was right! Marle just figured out that we were in the future. The domes, the robots, the enertrons and everything else hadn't clued her in. It took a visual record of a day that was obviously from our future in order for her to figure it out. She must be the dumbest woman to have ever walked on the face of the Earth.
"NO WAY," screamed Marle. "I refuse to believe it!" For a second I thought she had been reading my thoughts about her, but then I realized she was talking about Lavos. Yeah, I guess that kinda sucks now that I think about it. It's a good thing we live in 1000 AD where we won't ever have to worry about Lavos. I turned to leave the room, intent on getting my ass over to the time gate.
"This can't be the way the world ends," said Marle. I looked back over my shoulder at Marle, who was on the ground crying. "There's only one thing we can do," said Marle. "We must change history! Just like Crono did when he saved me!" Don't remind me, Marle. If I had it to do over again..........
"Okay, Lucca? Okay, Crono," said Marle. Hmmmmmmmmm, let me see. Marle says there's only one thing we can do, whereas I see about 5 to 10 different options before us. Defeating Lavos and saving the world was the least desirable of my options at the moment, but since Marle and Lucca seemed intent on doing it I felt it was in my best interest to go along. Without Lucca, I'm trapped in this world. I guess I could feign heroism until we get back to 1,000 AD. Then I can ditch these idiots and go home. I can't remember the last time I got some shuteye.
"The chancellor can't find us here," said Marle. Doesn't she mean the chancellors?
"The civilization seems so advanced," said Lucca.
"Like we're in another world," said Marle. Well, we did jump into a time gate Princess Notallthere. How was I ever attracted to this girl? Oh yeah, sex.
We left the Bangor Dome and went south.
"Welcome to the Trann Dome," said an extremly nasty looking guy all dressed in rags. "Got any cash?" I shook my head, not wanting to get robbed, have to insult him by turning down his merchandise, or sit through a show put on by somebody living in the Tranny Dome.
There were only 6 people living there and 5 of them were men who all looked exactly the same. The lone girl was sitting in the fetal position. I didn't want to find out what was going on, so we left and went back north. Whatever time period we were in, the world was extremely, extremely bleak. The dirt was toxic, there were no plants and the air was so polluted that the sun never shined. It's a good thing we stocked up on tonic and ether before we came.
"Damnit," said Lucca. "Another rat just stole a tonic from us!" In spite of my attempts to make my lady friends return to the time gate, they were now dragging me across some sort of ruins with a lot of freaky mutants and thieving rats. Lucca seemed to hate the rats more than I did and Marle had made it her mission in life to stand behind me with her fingernails in my shoulders as if I enjoyed protecting her or something.
I was doing all of the fighting for our group. I got to run up and destroy the enemies with my sword while they stood back and fired a shot here and there. Marle usually missed and then giggled like it was ok. At least Lucca felt bad that I was carrying the whole team. I would trade both of them for that stupid frog we met in the middle ages.
Once we got across the ruins we came to yet another dome and a lot of gross-looking people inside of it. An old man named Doan approached us. He seemed interested in our trip across the ruins. He told us that there was some sort of food storage down a ladder, but they couldn't get to it because of the crazy robot guards.
I guess I got too close to the ladder or something because Doan suddenly said, "are you going down below?"
"Of course," said Marle.
"Gotta try, right," said Lucca. There was no need for me to speak up, although I would have chimed in with, "good luck ladies, I'll be in the Enertron if you need me." I chose to remain silent as usual. I knew they would both die if I didn't go with them.
We made our way through the area and not a single robot had attacked us yet. I was starting to think that Doan might be senile when a huge guardian robot landed on top of us. As was typical for my group, I did most of the fighting. Marle healed me from time to time when things got rough. I guess the girls aren't completely useless. We beat the huge robot and made our way into the storage room.
"Phew, something reeks," said Marle. It was Lucca and Marle. They didn't realize we were leaving on a journey and forgot to pack any tampons or deodorant. Although, Marle sure remembered to bring a bunch of arrows for that worthless crossbow.
"The refrigeration's failed," said Lucca. "Everything's totally rotten." Lucca was trying to play it off like it was the rotten food, but I knew better. They should combine their skank into a doubletech. Maybe then they could contribute in the battles. Marle found a dead guy in the back clutching some seeds and a note that told us to catch a rat that knew a secret.
We caught the rat and he gave us a code for one of the side rooms. I beat a few tonics out of him for the sake of his brothers from the ruins. We entered the coded area and made our way to the back. There was this weird shiny thing with buttons and stuff and a big glass thing in the back.
"Good! The computer's still operational! If we run a search on time warps, we might find our Gate," said Lucca. I was just about to say that, but she beat me to it.
"East of Arris Dome," said Lucca. "That would be Proto Dome, I believe." As long as it's not Tranny Dome it's all good to me.
Marle walked up to the device and said, "what does this button do?" Marle and Lucca watched in horror as they witnessed just what had caused the world to become so bleak. In the year 1999 AD on what would come to be known as "the day of Lavos" some strange creature popped its head onto the surface of the planet and destroyed almost everything.
"Lavos," said Lucca. "Is that what's destroying our world?"
"We must truly be in the future," said Marle.
HA! I was right! Marle just figured out that we were in the future. The domes, the robots, the enertrons and everything else hadn't clued her in. It took a visual record of a day that was obviously from our future in order for her to figure it out. She must be the dumbest woman to have ever walked on the face of the Earth.
"NO WAY," screamed Marle. "I refuse to believe it!" For a second I thought she had been reading my thoughts about her, but then I realized she was talking about Lavos. Yeah, I guess that kinda sucks now that I think about it. It's a good thing we live in 1000 AD where we won't ever have to worry about Lavos. I turned to leave the room, intent on getting my ass over to the time gate.
"This can't be the way the world ends," said Marle. I looked back over my shoulder at Marle, who was on the ground crying. "There's only one thing we can do," said Marle. "We must change history! Just like Crono did when he saved me!" Don't remind me, Marle. If I had it to do over again..........
"Okay, Lucca? Okay, Crono," said Marle. Hmmmmmmmmm, let me see. Marle says there's only one thing we can do, whereas I see about 5 to 10 different options before us. Defeating Lavos and saving the world was the least desirable of my options at the moment, but since Marle and Lucca seemed intent on doing it I felt it was in my best interest to go along. Without Lucca, I'm trapped in this world. I guess I could feign heroism until we get back to 1,000 AD. Then I can ditch these idiots and go home. I can't remember the last time I got some shuteye.
Chapter Four: Sniffing Ether With Fritz
As we entered the castle gates, I felt a cool breeze behind me. For the first time in my life I was with a girl that I truly cared about aside from just friendship. This relationship went beyond physical attraction as well. It was something special and I was never going to let anything get in the way. I was a little nervous about meeting her father, especially since he was the king, but once I told him how I felt about his daughter I knew we would become fast friends.
The guards looked at us strangely as we entered and the chancellor burst out of the throne room and came towards us. "Terrorist," he yelled. "You're trying to confuse princess Nadia and take over the throne! Admit it!" As the guards carried me off and the chancellor changed the terrorist alert level to orange I thought it was odd that they let me hang onto my sword and all of my items.
At the trial, the little girl I kicked in the shins testified against me along with the guy whose lunch I ate and practically every person who was at the fair the day I met Marle. I didn't realize we were the main attraction what with that stupid singing robot and the humpomatic bell ringing game. They found me guilty and I was sentenced to death.
I sat in my cell for awhile huffing the ether that the townspeople had sent me. Damn, I should have gone to prison a long time ago. I was floating way up in the sky and there was nothing that was ever going to bring me down. One thing was for sure. Marle can kiss my ass. She's one high maintenance tramp and I think I'll start looking elsewhere. If I get the chance I'm gonna tell her daddy about the time we spent in the forest together.
I still had my sword, oddly enough, and I was so high that I started banging on the prison bars in confusion. The guards finally got mad and opened my cell. The next thing I remembered, the guard was passed out on the floor of my cell. I'm not sure if it was me or if he got into my ether, but either way, I stumbled out of the cell where the other guard was at. I stabbed him easily enough and slowly began to stumble my way through the prison.
I wandered around the prison trying to find my way out and I ran into a guy I knew in high school. He was strapped into a guillotine. His name was Fritz and we were pretty good friends back in the day. He smiled at me, obviously with the thought in his head that I was going to let him out. I walked past him and opened a treasure chest. I kept on going into a back room and opened some more treasure chests. Why they were in a prison I don't know, but free stuff is free stuff.
When I came back to where Fritz was I stood over him and started thinking. I was trying to decide whether to release him, or release the guillotine.
"Crono," said Fritz, "will you get me out of this thing?" I returned to the back room and grabbed a whip off of the wall and came back to where Fritz was at.
"What are you going to do with that," said Fritz. "Crono........are you high? Oh, no. Of all the times, aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, damnit Crono!" I had just given him a good slap on the ass with the whip.
"Crono, be serious now! Get me out of this, aiiiiiiiiiiiiii, god damnit Crono!" Fritz wasn't too happy, but I was laughing my ass off. I fell down on the ground and continued to giggle uncontrollably. Fritz looked over at me and rolled his eyes.
"Crono," he said, "if you let me out of this thing I won't be mad at you for the stuff with the whip. I understand. It's all in good fun, but I DON'T WANT TO DIE, DAMNIT!!!!! NOW GET ME OUT OF HERE, AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, GODDAMNIT CRONO WILL YOU PLEASE STOP DOING THAT!!!!!!!!!"
I finally let him out of the guillotine, although I was still laughing pretty hard. He knocked me down and started rubbing his ass. He stormed out of the room and eventually I managed to stop laughing.
I continued making my way through the prison and finally made it back to the entrance. Just then I heard a slight commotion and I was surprised to see Lucca knocking guards out cold in order to make her way into the prison.
"Hey, Crono," she said. "It looks like you didn't need my help after all." Some top secret documents had fallen on the ground, which is odd as top secret documents would normally not just be lying around on a table somewhere. You'd think they would be more careful with that sort of thing, but I don't really care as it has the potential to benefit me.
It turned out to be some stupid explanation of how to defeat something called a Dragon Tank. What are the chances that we'll run into a tank somewhere in the prison or the castle?
We ran up the steps where Lucca had just come from and began to cross over a long bridge. Halfway across, surprise, surprise, the dragon tank that had been mentioned in the conveniently dropped top secret documents was sitting right in front of us. I can only guess it was lifted in by a helicopter or something, because the door behind it was barely tall enough for me to walk through without bumping my head, while the tank was 10 times bigger than me.
Me and Lucca made short work of it thanks to the conveniently dropped top secret documents. As it exploded it took part of the bridge and I waited for the fall. When a bridge with no support structure anywhere in the middle areas loses part of the central section, the entire bridge should collapse. It's physics.
I was prepared to die, but luckily, this bridge violated the laws of physics and remained in tact.
The chancellor and a few guards were clinging to the edges where the gap was at, creating a makeshift bridge. I smiled as I walked over top of them and left the prison area to return to the castle.
We made our way to the front gate of the castle and the guards were surrounding us. Marle came in wearing one of her rich girl dresses and I sneered at her. She didn't seem to notice, but she ordered the guards to leave me alone, so I can say that she's one step closer to being back in my good graces.
Out of the throne room came the chancellor who I had just left back at the anti-gravity bridge. I was about to point out that there was more than one chancellor when Marle began taking her clothes off. I can say one thing about her, it's hard to stay mad at her.
"Come on, Crono," said Marle, and we left the castle. The guards chased us into the forest and we came to a small clearing. "Looks like a dead end," said Marle. I stared at her in disbelief due to the fact that she was oblivious to the large, glowing, bluish black ball right in front of us. Lucca pointed it out to her and we decided to take a chance. We hopped into the time gate with no fears about our destination.
The guards looked at us strangely as we entered and the chancellor burst out of the throne room and came towards us. "Terrorist," he yelled. "You're trying to confuse princess Nadia and take over the throne! Admit it!" As the guards carried me off and the chancellor changed the terrorist alert level to orange I thought it was odd that they let me hang onto my sword and all of my items.
At the trial, the little girl I kicked in the shins testified against me along with the guy whose lunch I ate and practically every person who was at the fair the day I met Marle. I didn't realize we were the main attraction what with that stupid singing robot and the humpomatic bell ringing game. They found me guilty and I was sentenced to death.
I sat in my cell for awhile huffing the ether that the townspeople had sent me. Damn, I should have gone to prison a long time ago. I was floating way up in the sky and there was nothing that was ever going to bring me down. One thing was for sure. Marle can kiss my ass. She's one high maintenance tramp and I think I'll start looking elsewhere. If I get the chance I'm gonna tell her daddy about the time we spent in the forest together.
I still had my sword, oddly enough, and I was so high that I started banging on the prison bars in confusion. The guards finally got mad and opened my cell. The next thing I remembered, the guard was passed out on the floor of my cell. I'm not sure if it was me or if he got into my ether, but either way, I stumbled out of the cell where the other guard was at. I stabbed him easily enough and slowly began to stumble my way through the prison.
I wandered around the prison trying to find my way out and I ran into a guy I knew in high school. He was strapped into a guillotine. His name was Fritz and we were pretty good friends back in the day. He smiled at me, obviously with the thought in his head that I was going to let him out. I walked past him and opened a treasure chest. I kept on going into a back room and opened some more treasure chests. Why they were in a prison I don't know, but free stuff is free stuff.
When I came back to where Fritz was I stood over him and started thinking. I was trying to decide whether to release him, or release the guillotine.
"Crono," said Fritz, "will you get me out of this thing?" I returned to the back room and grabbed a whip off of the wall and came back to where Fritz was at.
"What are you going to do with that," said Fritz. "Crono........are you high? Oh, no. Of all the times, aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, damnit Crono!" I had just given him a good slap on the ass with the whip.
"Crono, be serious now! Get me out of this, aiiiiiiiiiiiiii, god damnit Crono!" Fritz wasn't too happy, but I was laughing my ass off. I fell down on the ground and continued to giggle uncontrollably. Fritz looked over at me and rolled his eyes.
"Crono," he said, "if you let me out of this thing I won't be mad at you for the stuff with the whip. I understand. It's all in good fun, but I DON'T WANT TO DIE, DAMNIT!!!!! NOW GET ME OUT OF HERE, AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, GODDAMNIT CRONO WILL YOU PLEASE STOP DOING THAT!!!!!!!!!"
I finally let him out of the guillotine, although I was still laughing pretty hard. He knocked me down and started rubbing his ass. He stormed out of the room and eventually I managed to stop laughing.
I continued making my way through the prison and finally made it back to the entrance. Just then I heard a slight commotion and I was surprised to see Lucca knocking guards out cold in order to make her way into the prison.
"Hey, Crono," she said. "It looks like you didn't need my help after all." Some top secret documents had fallen on the ground, which is odd as top secret documents would normally not just be lying around on a table somewhere. You'd think they would be more careful with that sort of thing, but I don't really care as it has the potential to benefit me.
It turned out to be some stupid explanation of how to defeat something called a Dragon Tank. What are the chances that we'll run into a tank somewhere in the prison or the castle?
We ran up the steps where Lucca had just come from and began to cross over a long bridge. Halfway across, surprise, surprise, the dragon tank that had been mentioned in the conveniently dropped top secret documents was sitting right in front of us. I can only guess it was lifted in by a helicopter or something, because the door behind it was barely tall enough for me to walk through without bumping my head, while the tank was 10 times bigger than me.
Me and Lucca made short work of it thanks to the conveniently dropped top secret documents. As it exploded it took part of the bridge and I waited for the fall. When a bridge with no support structure anywhere in the middle areas loses part of the central section, the entire bridge should collapse. It's physics.
I was prepared to die, but luckily, this bridge violated the laws of physics and remained in tact.
The chancellor and a few guards were clinging to the edges where the gap was at, creating a makeshift bridge. I smiled as I walked over top of them and left the prison area to return to the castle.
We made our way to the front gate of the castle and the guards were surrounding us. Marle came in wearing one of her rich girl dresses and I sneered at her. She didn't seem to notice, but she ordered the guards to leave me alone, so I can say that she's one step closer to being back in my good graces.
Out of the throne room came the chancellor who I had just left back at the anti-gravity bridge. I was about to point out that there was more than one chancellor when Marle began taking her clothes off. I can say one thing about her, it's hard to stay mad at her.
"Come on, Crono," said Marle, and we left the castle. The guards chased us into the forest and we came to a small clearing. "Looks like a dead end," said Marle. I stared at her in disbelief due to the fact that she was oblivious to the large, glowing, bluish black ball right in front of us. Lucca pointed it out to her and we decided to take a chance. We hopped into the time gate with no fears about our destination.
Chapter Three: Slurp Addicts
Frog managed to get Lucca's mind off of his tongue and we started to search for the hidden entrance he mentioned before. I saw an organ and figured, what the hell, so I sat down to play. Naturally, a hidden door opened.
We entered the hidden door and found a huge back half to the cathedral filled with monsters. In one partially hidden room there was a statue of this big freaky guy with a scythe. I'm not exactly sure why, but these weird monster people were so suspicious that they had traps and secret switches all over the place. As if the organ thing wasn't enough. How could anyone live in a place like this?
We finally reached the back end of the cathedral and we found the chancellor talking to the queen. I was glad to see that someone else in the kingdom was smart enough to figure out where the queen was being held. I just wish he had brought more soldiers.
Frog and Lucca didn't seem as trusting as I was and they had their weapons ready to go. The queen backed away and they moved towards the chancellor. Not wanting to let on that I was confused, I drew my sword and moved towards the chancellor just like they were doing. Right before my eyes he changed into this big evil blob thing and I figured out what was going on. Actually, I still didn't know what was going on. One thing was for sure. This Yakra guy was going to try to kill us.
I ran at him with my sword, but just as I reached attack range I realized Frog was doing the same thing. We almost ran into each other and somehow we both managed to do some damage to Yakra. He also seemed really confused, so I gave Frog a thumbs up. Lucca was busy firing her gun at him and doing almost no damage at all. Girls have no place on a battlefield except for healing purposes.
Yakra shot a bunch of spines at us and it knocked me back a few feet. Just as I was about to use a tonic, Frog shot his tongue out and slurped me from head to toe. One half of me wanted to scream, "what the hell are you doing, you sick twisted frog!" The other half of me realized that he had fixed the damage from the spine attack. Lucca went into a jealous rage and began shooting herself with her gun. She limped over to Frog and said, "slurp me too!" Frog's mouth dropped open and he just stared at her in amazement. I looked at Yakra and he shrugged his shoulders.
Frog backed away from Lucca at first, but then he conceded and gave her a slurp. She seemed to be in ecstacy and even though she was fully healed she pointed her gun at Frog and said, "do it again!" Frog was getting a little annoyed, but he also realized that his life was in danger. He ran over and hid behind Yakra. "GET YOUR FROG-BUTT OVER HERE AND SLURP ME AGAIN," said Lucca as she began chasing Frog all over the room. Lucca was firing her gun at Frog over and over. Yakra was so intrigued that we halted the battle for the moment.
"Grrrrribbit, this is most exasperating," said Frog. Yakra started laughing and I suddenly came to my senses. I moved in cautiously and shoved my sword right up into his adam's apple. He collapsed in a heap of gooey monster and the battle was won.
I walked over to Queen Leene and she said, "thank you so much, kind sir, but where did Frog and your other friend go?"
I found the real chancellor locked in a treasure chest and we returned to Guardia Castle. The king thanked me and the chancellor said something about a criminal justice system. I didn't care as it had little to do with me now that I had saved Queen Leene.
Frog came into the throne room huffing and pufffing and said, "Twas a fault of mine that endangered the queen. I shall depart this realm for good." Frog hopped out of the room as fast as he could.
Lucca came into the throne room and threw her gun to the ground. "Man, that Frog is a quick one. I've been chasing him all over this castle," she said. "Well, I guess I'll let him be for now. Crono, where did you last see Marle?"
We went back up to the queen's room and found Marle confused and unhappy. I was still ticked off at her for inviting me up to her bedroom and then disappearing, so I let Lucca do the talking. Lucca explained everything that had happened and Marle seemed to understand, although she wasn't happy that we had figured out she was Princess Nadia.
We started to leave the castle and there was Frog waiting for us. Lucca started twitching and she raised her gun. I knocked the gun out of her hands with my sword and then shoved her on her ass.
"Thou hast potential to be a great swordsman, Crono," said Frog. I was already pissed at Frog for talking like a weird-oh, but now he was mistaking my actual greatness as a swordsman for potential? Maybe I should have let Lucca go after him again.
Frog left the castle and once Lucca regained her composure, we went back to the forest where this whole mess had started. We stepped into the gate and we were right back at the fair where Lucca's equipment was set up.
Lucca was so depressed now that Frog and his tongue were gone that she didn't want to join me in escorting Marle back to the castle. Marle was grinning from ear to ear the whole time we walked through Guardia Forest.
Instead of going straight back to the castle, she pulled me off into a side path of the forest and threw me to the ground. She dove on top of me and things started to get hot and heavy. She took her clothes off and then pulled all of mine off. Suddenly, the feverish look on her face changed into a disappointed frown. I looked down at what had caught her attention and I realized that even though 99 percent of my body was excited, the 1 percent that mattered was out cold. I was pretty embarrassed and didn't know what to say.
"I didn't think this happened to young guys," said Marle. My entire life was flashing before my eyes and I was just about to curse God for doing this to me, when a shiny object caught my eye that was sitting over on my left. I picked it up and swallowed it.
Marle was a little embarrassed as well and she had been looking off into the distance when something poked her in the side of the face. "Hey, watch what you're doing with that sword of yours," she said. "That thing's pretty sharp!" Marle turned back to see that my sword was off to the side with the rest of my clothes and her eyes opened wide in astonishment. She smiled, moved back over next to me and all was right with the world.
We entered the hidden door and found a huge back half to the cathedral filled with monsters. In one partially hidden room there was a statue of this big freaky guy with a scythe. I'm not exactly sure why, but these weird monster people were so suspicious that they had traps and secret switches all over the place. As if the organ thing wasn't enough. How could anyone live in a place like this?
We finally reached the back end of the cathedral and we found the chancellor talking to the queen. I was glad to see that someone else in the kingdom was smart enough to figure out where the queen was being held. I just wish he had brought more soldiers.
Frog and Lucca didn't seem as trusting as I was and they had their weapons ready to go. The queen backed away and they moved towards the chancellor. Not wanting to let on that I was confused, I drew my sword and moved towards the chancellor just like they were doing. Right before my eyes he changed into this big evil blob thing and I figured out what was going on. Actually, I still didn't know what was going on. One thing was for sure. This Yakra guy was going to try to kill us.
I ran at him with my sword, but just as I reached attack range I realized Frog was doing the same thing. We almost ran into each other and somehow we both managed to do some damage to Yakra. He also seemed really confused, so I gave Frog a thumbs up. Lucca was busy firing her gun at him and doing almost no damage at all. Girls have no place on a battlefield except for healing purposes.
Yakra shot a bunch of spines at us and it knocked me back a few feet. Just as I was about to use a tonic, Frog shot his tongue out and slurped me from head to toe. One half of me wanted to scream, "what the hell are you doing, you sick twisted frog!" The other half of me realized that he had fixed the damage from the spine attack. Lucca went into a jealous rage and began shooting herself with her gun. She limped over to Frog and said, "slurp me too!" Frog's mouth dropped open and he just stared at her in amazement. I looked at Yakra and he shrugged his shoulders.
Frog backed away from Lucca at first, but then he conceded and gave her a slurp. She seemed to be in ecstacy and even though she was fully healed she pointed her gun at Frog and said, "do it again!" Frog was getting a little annoyed, but he also realized that his life was in danger. He ran over and hid behind Yakra. "GET YOUR FROG-BUTT OVER HERE AND SLURP ME AGAIN," said Lucca as she began chasing Frog all over the room. Lucca was firing her gun at Frog over and over. Yakra was so intrigued that we halted the battle for the moment.
"Grrrrribbit, this is most exasperating," said Frog. Yakra started laughing and I suddenly came to my senses. I moved in cautiously and shoved my sword right up into his adam's apple. He collapsed in a heap of gooey monster and the battle was won.
I walked over to Queen Leene and she said, "thank you so much, kind sir, but where did Frog and your other friend go?"
I found the real chancellor locked in a treasure chest and we returned to Guardia Castle. The king thanked me and the chancellor said something about a criminal justice system. I didn't care as it had little to do with me now that I had saved Queen Leene.
Frog came into the throne room huffing and pufffing and said, "Twas a fault of mine that endangered the queen. I shall depart this realm for good." Frog hopped out of the room as fast as he could.
Lucca came into the throne room and threw her gun to the ground. "Man, that Frog is a quick one. I've been chasing him all over this castle," she said. "Well, I guess I'll let him be for now. Crono, where did you last see Marle?"
We went back up to the queen's room and found Marle confused and unhappy. I was still ticked off at her for inviting me up to her bedroom and then disappearing, so I let Lucca do the talking. Lucca explained everything that had happened and Marle seemed to understand, although she wasn't happy that we had figured out she was Princess Nadia.
We started to leave the castle and there was Frog waiting for us. Lucca started twitching and she raised her gun. I knocked the gun out of her hands with my sword and then shoved her on her ass.
"Thou hast potential to be a great swordsman, Crono," said Frog. I was already pissed at Frog for talking like a weird-oh, but now he was mistaking my actual greatness as a swordsman for potential? Maybe I should have let Lucca go after him again.
Frog left the castle and once Lucca regained her composure, we went back to the forest where this whole mess had started. We stepped into the gate and we were right back at the fair where Lucca's equipment was set up.
Lucca was so depressed now that Frog and his tongue were gone that she didn't want to join me in escorting Marle back to the castle. Marle was grinning from ear to ear the whole time we walked through Guardia Forest.
Instead of going straight back to the castle, she pulled me off into a side path of the forest and threw me to the ground. She dove on top of me and things started to get hot and heavy. She took her clothes off and then pulled all of mine off. Suddenly, the feverish look on her face changed into a disappointed frown. I looked down at what had caught her attention and I realized that even though 99 percent of my body was excited, the 1 percent that mattered was out cold. I was pretty embarrassed and didn't know what to say.
"I didn't think this happened to young guys," said Marle. My entire life was flashing before my eyes and I was just about to curse God for doing this to me, when a shiny object caught my eye that was sitting over on my left. I picked it up and swallowed it.
Marle was a little embarrassed as well and she had been looking off into the distance when something poked her in the side of the face. "Hey, watch what you're doing with that sword of yours," she said. "That thing's pretty sharp!" Marle turned back to see that my sword was off to the side with the rest of my clothes and her eyes opened wide in astonishment. She smiled, moved back over next to me and all was right with the world.
Chapter Two: Damn You, Lucca
All of the sudden everything around me changed. Instead of seeing all of Lucca's goofy equipment, I was in a forest. I figured I had just been transported somewhere, so I started walking. Just then, I was surrounded by some little blue men and they looked pretty angry. I pulled out my sword, but they were on all sides of me. I just closed my eyes and began swirling around in a circle while holding my sword as far away from my body as possible. When I opened my eyes they were all dead. I nodded my head in triumph and began walking. Naturally, I felt flat on my ass. I was a little dizzy. My spinning sword technique would probably be best saved for emergencies. It took me a second to recover.
I got back on my feet and left the forest. Everything I saw looked familiar almost as if it was Guardia in a weird new form. I could see the castle off in the distance, so I figured I would go there. One thing was for sure. If I ever see Lucca again I'm going to beat the snot out of her.
When I got to the castle, the guards started making fun of my hair. I just stood there uncomfortably until Marle showed up, but they were treating her like she was the queen. Whatever. She left and went up to her room and I knew what she wanted, so I followed her up there. "Hi, Crono. I knew you would come for me. I just knew it," she said.
I came for her? I guess it's ok if she thinks that. She should get her ass on that bed and I'll come on her, too. Suddenly, she exploded into nothingness. I slammed her crappy old pendant on the ground. That's the second time she had disappeared on me and I was getting sick of it. There's nothing worse than a tease. I picked the pendant up and started to leave the castle.
Just as I got to the front of the castle, I saw Lucca running towards me. "Hey, Crono," she said. "I just invented time travel with a key!" I ignored her and continued walking out of the castle. One minute ago I had a girl in a bedroom ready and willing and now I'm stuck with Miss Time Travel in a Can. Why can't she invent something useful like cocaine.
"Crono, wait," said Lucca. "That girl you were with earlier is actually Princess Nadia from our time. We're in the year 600 AD and they've mistaken her for the queen from this time. In order to save Nadia, we have to save the queen in this time, because her appearance has caused the search for the real queen to be cancelled."
I looked at Lucca trying to get across the idea that I had no clue what the hell she was talking about. She just smiled and said, "follow me".
We arrived at a cathedral with a bunch of nuns and I noticed a hairpin way in the back. The nuns got pissed off and surrounded us. Right before my eyes, the nuns changed into Naga-ettes and surrounded me and Lucca. I could tell we were going to have to fight, so I pulled out my sword and motioned to Lucca to back away. I went into my super-spin mode intent on making their victory a painful one.
Just then, I felt my sword beginning to heat up. I cracked open my left eye and suddenly everything became all too clear to me. Lucca was fighting on their side! She was trying to melt my sword to keep me from hurting the Naga-ettes. Obviously, this whole thing had been a set-up to eliminate me, so she could have Marle all to herself. Was it any surprise that Marle disappeared just after Lucca met her? I guess I should have taken the competition more seriously. Now, here I was surrounded by Lucca and her 4 girlfriends. They probably had Marle locked up in one of the backrooms ready to do God-knows-what to her. I finally lost my balance and fell to the ground. My sword was still in tact and when I regained my composure I could see that Lucca's evil plot had back-fired. Instead of melting my sword with her fire, she had just made my attack stronger! What a fool! All of her girlfriends were on the ground sliced in half and burnt.
I turned towards Lucca and I was just about to run her through when she said, "wow, that was an awesome attack! I didn't know what you were doing at first, but then I realized I could use my flame thrower to bounce fire off of your movements. We made mincemeat out of those naga-ettes!"
I raised an eyebrow, looked back at the dead naga-ettes, grinned uncomfortably and sheathed my sword. "What's wrong, Crono," said Lucca. I just shook my head and started looking around the cathedral again. Just then, a naga-ette leaped out of the background and slapped Lucca on her backside. Before I could act, a big green frog came out of nowhere and slashed the naga-ette in half.
"Lower thine guard and thou'rt allowing the enemy in," said the Frog. I crossed my arms and Lucca backed away. "Uh, um, i-it's a talking frog," said Lucca. "My guise doth not incur thy trust," said the Frog.
His guise didn't bother me at all, but the way he talked made me want to kick him in the frognuts. "Mayhap a hidden door lurks nigh. Let us search the environs," said the Frog. If he doesn't stop talking like that I'm going to pick him up by his ankles and throw him headfirst into the environs. Frog shot his tongue out and snatched a fly. I guess he was hungry. Lucca got a more serious look on her face and she said, "hey, that's a nice tongue you have there. I bet you can do some amazing things with it."
I didn't have the heart to tell Lucca that this was probably a boy Frog, so I just watched as she moved towards him. "Grrrribbit, stop looking at me that way, grrribbit," said Frog.
I got back on my feet and left the forest. Everything I saw looked familiar almost as if it was Guardia in a weird new form. I could see the castle off in the distance, so I figured I would go there. One thing was for sure. If I ever see Lucca again I'm going to beat the snot out of her.
When I got to the castle, the guards started making fun of my hair. I just stood there uncomfortably until Marle showed up, but they were treating her like she was the queen. Whatever. She left and went up to her room and I knew what she wanted, so I followed her up there. "Hi, Crono. I knew you would come for me. I just knew it," she said.
I came for her? I guess it's ok if she thinks that. She should get her ass on that bed and I'll come on her, too. Suddenly, she exploded into nothingness. I slammed her crappy old pendant on the ground. That's the second time she had disappeared on me and I was getting sick of it. There's nothing worse than a tease. I picked the pendant up and started to leave the castle.
Just as I got to the front of the castle, I saw Lucca running towards me. "Hey, Crono," she said. "I just invented time travel with a key!" I ignored her and continued walking out of the castle. One minute ago I had a girl in a bedroom ready and willing and now I'm stuck with Miss Time Travel in a Can. Why can't she invent something useful like cocaine.
"Crono, wait," said Lucca. "That girl you were with earlier is actually Princess Nadia from our time. We're in the year 600 AD and they've mistaken her for the queen from this time. In order to save Nadia, we have to save the queen in this time, because her appearance has caused the search for the real queen to be cancelled."
I looked at Lucca trying to get across the idea that I had no clue what the hell she was talking about. She just smiled and said, "follow me".
We arrived at a cathedral with a bunch of nuns and I noticed a hairpin way in the back. The nuns got pissed off and surrounded us. Right before my eyes, the nuns changed into Naga-ettes and surrounded me and Lucca. I could tell we were going to have to fight, so I pulled out my sword and motioned to Lucca to back away. I went into my super-spin mode intent on making their victory a painful one.
Just then, I felt my sword beginning to heat up. I cracked open my left eye and suddenly everything became all too clear to me. Lucca was fighting on their side! She was trying to melt my sword to keep me from hurting the Naga-ettes. Obviously, this whole thing had been a set-up to eliminate me, so she could have Marle all to herself. Was it any surprise that Marle disappeared just after Lucca met her? I guess I should have taken the competition more seriously. Now, here I was surrounded by Lucca and her 4 girlfriends. They probably had Marle locked up in one of the backrooms ready to do God-knows-what to her. I finally lost my balance and fell to the ground. My sword was still in tact and when I regained my composure I could see that Lucca's evil plot had back-fired. Instead of melting my sword with her fire, she had just made my attack stronger! What a fool! All of her girlfriends were on the ground sliced in half and burnt.
I turned towards Lucca and I was just about to run her through when she said, "wow, that was an awesome attack! I didn't know what you were doing at first, but then I realized I could use my flame thrower to bounce fire off of your movements. We made mincemeat out of those naga-ettes!"
I raised an eyebrow, looked back at the dead naga-ettes, grinned uncomfortably and sheathed my sword. "What's wrong, Crono," said Lucca. I just shook my head and started looking around the cathedral again. Just then, a naga-ette leaped out of the background and slapped Lucca on her backside. Before I could act, a big green frog came out of nowhere and slashed the naga-ette in half.
"Lower thine guard and thou'rt allowing the enemy in," said the Frog. I crossed my arms and Lucca backed away. "Uh, um, i-it's a talking frog," said Lucca. "My guise doth not incur thy trust," said the Frog.
His guise didn't bother me at all, but the way he talked made me want to kick him in the frognuts. "Mayhap a hidden door lurks nigh. Let us search the environs," said the Frog. If he doesn't stop talking like that I'm going to pick him up by his ankles and throw him headfirst into the environs. Frog shot his tongue out and snatched a fly. I guess he was hungry. Lucca got a more serious look on her face and she said, "hey, that's a nice tongue you have there. I bet you can do some amazing things with it."
I didn't have the heart to tell Lucca that this was probably a boy Frog, so I just watched as she moved towards him. "Grrrribbit, stop looking at me that way, grrribbit," said Frog.
Chapter One: The Ditz and the Fair
My annoying mom just gave me my allowance. She makes a good living lying on her back, but I guess not everybody can have a respectable mom. King Guardia comes by once a week, so at least she's a special kinda girl in that she's worthy of royalty.
I kicked my cat across the room and left to go to the fair. That neighbor of mine has a show to put on and I promised her I'd come and watch. I asked her out once and got an uncomfortable response of "no". Later on I realized why. I mean, seriously, not too many straight girls like tools do they? I felt pretty dumb for not catching on earlier as we've been friends as far back as I can remember, but hey, everybody makes mistakes.
When I got to the fair I was in awe for a moment just before this jerk in a green lizard suit ran into me and knocked me on my ass. He just kept running and then a cat clawed its' way across my face. As if that wasn't enough a guy in a suit of armor stepped on my balls and kept right on running as if nothing had happened.
I got up and dusted myself off and moved further into the fairgrounds. Just when I got close to Leene's Bell I saw this major hottie looking around like she was from out of town. I stared at her for about 10 minutes and then I finally just went for it. I got a running start and knocked her on her ass. Hey, it's better than a lame pick-up line. I was just about to apologize when I noticed that she had dropped a nice piece of jewelery. Instead of checking on her, I ran over to pick it up and then got out of the area as quickly as possible.
After looking at it, I realized it wasn't worth much and figured I could act like I found it and win her over that way. Before I went back to see her, I ate this moron's lunch who had just left in on the table out in the open. It was pretty gross. Some little brat kept whining about her lost cat, so I kicked her in the shins and moved on. I gave the girl back her pendant and she acted really happy. I asked her what her name was and she said, "what do you want it to be?" I couldn't believe it, but not only was she hot, but she was sleazy. Maybe she works at Norstein Bekkler's Tent of Whores. I gave her the name Marle and we began to walk around the fair.
We fought this weird singing robot and I drank a bunch of soda. I got really good at this game where you hump this thing in order to ring a bell. Marle was pretty impressed with my manhood. At one point we met this old guy named Melchior and he tried to buy that pendant I stole from Marle earlier. I felt pretty stupid for giving it back to her. She refused to sell it and we moved on.
We finally left to go see Lucca's little show, but on the way there she wanted to buy some candy to make her ass even bigger, so we stopped. She was taking so long that I finally grabbed her arm and tried to make her leave. She just stuck her tongue out at me and called me a crazed kidnapper. We finally finished up and went to the back of the fair where Lucca was at.
Lucca saw me with Marle and her eyes opened wide. "How'd you get a cutie like her," said Lucca. I could tell that Lucca was getting excited, because she was playing with her screw driver and licking her lips as she looked Marle up and down. I was pretty sure Marle wasn't into the alternative lifestyle thing like Lucca, so the potential competition didn't phase me. Lucca tried to get me to climb onto her machine, but I just shook my head and shoved Marle forward. Marle giggled and climbed aboard. Lucca threw the switch and Marle disappeared. All that was left was her pendant.
I thought the experiment had been a complete success, but Lucca and her dad were acting like something had gone wrong. Not wanting to make the day a total loss, I climbed onto the machine and grabbed the pendant Marle had dropped. I figured I could still sell it to the old man back at the fair for a decent profit. Just when I was about to climb back off, Lucca threw the switch. The last thing I heard her say was, "don't worry, I'll follow you when I know what went wrong."
I kicked my cat across the room and left to go to the fair. That neighbor of mine has a show to put on and I promised her I'd come and watch. I asked her out once and got an uncomfortable response of "no". Later on I realized why. I mean, seriously, not too many straight girls like tools do they? I felt pretty dumb for not catching on earlier as we've been friends as far back as I can remember, but hey, everybody makes mistakes.
When I got to the fair I was in awe for a moment just before this jerk in a green lizard suit ran into me and knocked me on my ass. He just kept running and then a cat clawed its' way across my face. As if that wasn't enough a guy in a suit of armor stepped on my balls and kept right on running as if nothing had happened.
I got up and dusted myself off and moved further into the fairgrounds. Just when I got close to Leene's Bell I saw this major hottie looking around like she was from out of town. I stared at her for about 10 minutes and then I finally just went for it. I got a running start and knocked her on her ass. Hey, it's better than a lame pick-up line. I was just about to apologize when I noticed that she had dropped a nice piece of jewelery. Instead of checking on her, I ran over to pick it up and then got out of the area as quickly as possible.
After looking at it, I realized it wasn't worth much and figured I could act like I found it and win her over that way. Before I went back to see her, I ate this moron's lunch who had just left in on the table out in the open. It was pretty gross. Some little brat kept whining about her lost cat, so I kicked her in the shins and moved on. I gave the girl back her pendant and she acted really happy. I asked her what her name was and she said, "what do you want it to be?" I couldn't believe it, but not only was she hot, but she was sleazy. Maybe she works at Norstein Bekkler's Tent of Whores. I gave her the name Marle and we began to walk around the fair.
We fought this weird singing robot and I drank a bunch of soda. I got really good at this game where you hump this thing in order to ring a bell. Marle was pretty impressed with my manhood. At one point we met this old guy named Melchior and he tried to buy that pendant I stole from Marle earlier. I felt pretty stupid for giving it back to her. She refused to sell it and we moved on.
We finally left to go see Lucca's little show, but on the way there she wanted to buy some candy to make her ass even bigger, so we stopped. She was taking so long that I finally grabbed her arm and tried to make her leave. She just stuck her tongue out at me and called me a crazed kidnapper. We finally finished up and went to the back of the fair where Lucca was at.
Lucca saw me with Marle and her eyes opened wide. "How'd you get a cutie like her," said Lucca. I could tell that Lucca was getting excited, because she was playing with her screw driver and licking her lips as she looked Marle up and down. I was pretty sure Marle wasn't into the alternative lifestyle thing like Lucca, so the potential competition didn't phase me. Lucca tried to get me to climb onto her machine, but I just shook my head and shoved Marle forward. Marle giggled and climbed aboard. Lucca threw the switch and Marle disappeared. All that was left was her pendant.
I thought the experiment had been a complete success, but Lucca and her dad were acting like something had gone wrong. Not wanting to make the day a total loss, I climbed onto the machine and grabbed the pendant Marle had dropped. I figured I could still sell it to the old man back at the fair for a decent profit. Just when I was about to climb back off, Lucca threw the switch. The last thing I heard her say was, "don't worry, I'll follow you when I know what went wrong."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)