Chapter Twenty-Six: Magus Escapades

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Chapter Twenty-Five: Keep Your Clothes On, Ladies

"Just after you died, Magus got all sad about not being able to beat Lavos," said Lucca. "Poor guy had gone through all that trouble and failed. I looked over at Schala. Man, she's a hottie, right Crono? Well, anyway. I was so mad that you had just been killed and then Frog told me that we needed to get out in order to save ourselves."

Magus sighed unhappily as he was reminded of his failure. Lucca was rambling and she was giving me a headache, too.

"Schala jumped up and said, "the last of my pendant's power will send you to safety."

"Then she asked us to forgive her mom and not hate her kingdom as she transported us away," said Lucca.

"When we got outside we could see Lavos spraying his death ray all over the place. He destroyed the floating islands and burned most of the planet. The floating islands just collapsed into the ocean, causing a huge tidal wave. Thanks to Lavos, the ice age was finally over."

"Me and Frog woke up in a hut and we could hardly believe what had happened. At the time I thought you were gone for good. The Elder walked in and said that he had found us delirious. Frog asked about you, but he said that there was no one else with us."

"Then I asked about Melchior. As it turns out, Melchior, Janus and the other two gurus got sucked into some sort of time portal. Melchior went to our time. Belthasar went to the future. Janus went to the Middle Ages and the other Guru went to the end of time. As for Schala. Nobody knows."

Wait a minute, Lucca. Janus is in the middle ages?.........Frog is Janus, right? Wow, what a coincidence! I looked over at Frog in amazement. Magus laughed. Obviously, he was still able to read my thoughts.

"Luckily, the Epoch was safe and then the Elder handed us the pendant," said Lucca

"Hee, hee, hee," laughed Marle. "I think this is when I came in! Let me tell the story, pretty please, pretty please with sugar on top?!"

"Fine, you can tell the story," said Lucca. "I went back to the end of time then, anyway."

"Well," said Marle. "I appeared with the group and we got rid of Lucca and brought in Ayla, so we could have a super party, which was totally cool!"

Marle is about to die.

"So, like, we went to the commons and there were people from the magic islands and people that had been living on the ground living there together now," said Marle. "It was soooo cool that they lived together and now they didn't think less of each other. I think everybody should be happy and nice to each other, don't you Crono?"

Lucca put her gun up to the back of Marle's head. I just held in the laughter and nodded my head.

"I think so, too," said Marle. "But then, that's when the baaaaad guy showed up!"

Your dad managed to make it to 11,000 BC?

"That icky Dalton guy came running in with some of his soldiers and they told us to bow down to him! Can you believe that, Crono?"

(snore) Un...bllvblle.........

Marle slapped me in the side of the head.

"Pay attention, Cronooooooooo," yelled Marle. "So then, he starts talking about how the Queen and the Gurus were all gone, so now he said that we were living in the new kingdom of Dalton. I bet he'd try to make me the queen or something, right, Crono?"

Or the court jester, perhaps. Magus looked at me and nodded in agreement.

"He said something about a vehicle or something that a guy he knew was building and that it was ours, so he must have meant the Epoch," said Marle. "Then he said that it was now his personal chariot and I was like, no way!"

Pull the trigger Lucca. Pull the trigger and the pain will all be gone.

"So I just said, YOU CAN'T DO THAT, YOU BIG, UGLY, STINKY BUTTHEAD," said Marle. "He shot a fireball at me and I blocked it with my crossbow. He was like, what, and I just stood there staring at him."

Just then, Marle's pants fell down around her ankles.

"Ahhhhhhh," screamed Marle. "Why does that keep happening?!!! That stupid Lavos!"

I laughed and Marle pulled her pants back up. They had an oddly positioned rip on the waistband.

Marle stopped talking and ran away to try and fix her pants. Frog and Ayla decided to take over for her in storytelling.

"Grrribbit," said Frog. "Ah, yes, Dalton captured us at that junction and placed us in prison upon the Blackbird. T'was much less comfortable than the swamp, my good lad."

"Ayla only one who can fight," yelled Ayla. "Bad man take all stuff! We run all over big iron bird and get stuff back!"

"Alas," said Frog, "when we finally regained our belongings, we found ourselves precariously hanging from the outside of the Blackbird. It was most unsettling."

"Wind begin to blow," said Ayla. "Ayla almost fall off of big metal bird and then rock beast appear! Look like Robo's daddy, hahahahahahaha!"

You're pretty funny for a person that should never talk. Robo didn't look too pleased with Ayla.

Right before my eyes, Ayla's top fell off and my mouth dropped open.

"Oof," said Ayla. "It happen again! Why Ayla's clothes not fit right anymore? Must be Lavos!"

Magus looked at me and I could hear his voice.

"Since I've been part of this group, I've used my scythe to cut the back of Ayla's top half a dozen times. It falls off and I get a little bit of heaven for a moment. She still can't figure out why it keeps happening, but I've managed to convince her that it's because of Lavos. Same goes for Marle. I leave Lucca alone. I think it's best not to mess with her."

I looked at Magus and I was intrigued. He just winked at me.

Ayla put her top back on and I regained my composure.....well, mostly.

"We fight big rockman, but big rockman afraid of heights, so he can't fight Ayla," said Ayla.

"Yes, lass," said Frog under his breath. "And as always, you did it all by yourself."

"What you say, Frog," asked Ayla.

"Grrribbit," said Frog. "Amazingly, it was then that we saw Dalton flying upon the Epoch! He had given it wings and laser cannons to fire at us."

"Ayla dodge burning light," said Ayla. "Ayla no die! Ayla jump onto Epoch and beat him up!"

"'Tis true," said Frog. "We abandoned all logic and dove from the wings of the Blackbird onto the Epoch, where we battled Dalton. 'Twas then that Dalton called upon his Golem Boss, whom we had just defeated. Instead, Dalton was transported away and his whereabouts are unbeknownst to us."

Without me, you just aren't doing things thoroughly, huh?

"Ayla push button on Epoch and light beam fire at Blackbird," said Ayla. "Blackbird go down into water and die."

Hey, Magus. How about cutting off Ayla's top again. That was actually interesting. Magus chuckled.

"We returned to the commons in triumph with Dalton defeated and justice served," said Frog. "A woman pointed us in the direction of the North Cape as a place where a friend of ours was located. Thinking it could perchance have been you, we hurried there, but we didn't find you, obviously. Instead, we found......"

Frog looked over at Magus. Magus waved at me and he cut off Ayla's top again.

Chapter Twenty-Four: Clono Taker

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Chapter Twenty-Three: Eat My Stick, Lavos!

"This must be the Ocean Palace," said Marle.

Yep, that seems to be the case as we transported from the highest point up in the sky down to the ocean. I don't know what we'll find down here, but I have a feeling it will try to kill us.

At the first doorway we found everybody's favorite shaven hamster, Mune.

"The black energy grows," said Mune. "Something scary is waking up!"

I looked over at Marle accusingly, but she didn't seem to understand. Before I could get rid of her I felt the Ocean Palace shake. Obviously, she wasn't the culprit. Just to be safe, I sent her away and brought in Lucca.

"Grrribbit, I see you've brought back the friendly one, Crono," said Frog.

When I looked back, Mune had already disappeared.

This place is like a maze. There were switches and monsters everywhere. On the way down one set of stairs there was this weird group of guys that were jumping up and down. I just head butted them all and knocked them down the steps. They were pretty mad when I found them at the bottom of the steps. Hey, that's what you get for playing around where I'm supposed to be walking.

We came to one of the other shaven hamsters on a particular set of steps.

"The ancient Red Rock has been passed down through the ages. From it, a magic pendant and a knife were made," said Masa. "We embody Melchior's dreams, sealed, within the knife. Now hurry, if you plan to confront the Queen. We're counting on you!"

He hopped into the air and disappeared. Wait a minute. So, there are two Masamunes? One's a knife and the other's a sword? Why does everything have to be so confusing? At least we have both of them, although Frog's Masamune is pretty crappy. He stopped using it awhile ago.

We finally came to an elevator. It's a good thing, too. I was so tired of walking. It seems like all I've done since I first met Marle at the Millennial Fair is walk, walk, walk. My happiness was short lived as the elevator ride turned out to be a huge enemy orgy.

At the bottom I was breathing quite heavily. Lucca patted me on the back and Frog gave me a slurp. Lucca smiled and kept herself under control. Even though she wasn't hurt, Frog gave her a slurp anyway. Every member of my group seemed to be getting along and friendships had grown quite strong. Except for me. I just wanted to get the hell away from these people. When will I finally reach my goal?

Outside the elevator was a bunch of lava and some switches to press. It made me start to think that we were not only under the ocean, but under the ocean floor as well. After pressing enough switches I managed to release a platform across the lava.

Once again, we came face to face with Dalton.

"You made it this far," he said. "Maybe I underestimated you."

Maybe we overestimated you. Did you ever think of that?

"But this is the end," said Dalton. "They will take care of you! Come Golem Twins!"

What? Two of the guy that just beat the crap out of us not so long ago? There's no need to even try. I'll just let them kill Frog and Lucca and then I'll slip past when they aren't looking.

The Golems moved to attack and Lucca started throwing bombs at them. Frog kept healing us and as I swung my sword furiously at the Golems they seemed a bit confused. I can see why everyone has so much faith in me. I'm pretty good. We were attacking so fast that they never had a chance to get in a shot. Amazingly, we managed a victory to the unhappiness of Dalton.

He was so surprised that he called in the Golem Boss. It sounded a little bit scarier than the Twins.

"What's this strange force," said Dalton as a bright red light enveloped the room. "Could this be...Lavos's energy?"

Either that or Lucca casting fire magic. It didn't bother you a couple seconds ago, but now when everything gets red it has to be Lavos?

"All my work will be in vain if I expire before I'm immortal," said Dalton as he transported away in fear again.

We continued onward and ran into another one of those stupid Nu things.

"This is the hall of the Mammon Machine," it said. "Now is the time to turn back, nu..."

Did he just call me a Nu?

"We shan't allow thee to meddle with Lavos, Queen," said Frog.

I would have preferred to keep silent and get a handle on the situation first, but I guess Frog thought we should announce our presence in order to speed up the dying process.

"We just made it in time," said Lucca. "It's a pity, but I'll have to turn this machine off."

In time to die. I nearly pissed in my pants, but nobody seemed to notice. It was a pretty dramatic moment.

Damn. Queen Milf and Schala are a pair of major hotties. I wish I was Lavos. I'll consume you both at the same time. The Mammon Machine sparked and the power began to envelope Schala. She was in obvious pain.

"Help," said Schala.

That's all she ever wants. I help her and in return I get to, what, stare at her?...........Fair trade.

"Schala," said the Prophet, who was showing a strange amount of caring all of the sudden.

"What are you doing, Schala," said Queen Milf. "I need your help here!"

"Crono, use the old man's knife to stop the machine," said Frog.

"Quickly, Crono. There's no time," said Lucca.

Why the hell do I always have to do EVERYTHING!!!!!!

I pulled out the knife and after everything that had happened to me, I wasn't surprised to find that it was a talking knife.

"Here we go, Mune," said the talking knife.

"Ready big brother," said the talking knife, who also had split personalities.

It flew forward and jammed into the Mammon Machine.

"T, 'tis the Masamune," said Frog in surprise as the ruby knife used the power of the Mammon Machine to change into a sword.

Oh, now I get it. There's only one Masamune, but it's just been changed. That makes a little more sense.

"Th, the Mammon Machine," said the Queen in disgust.

"It's coming," said the Prophet.

"N, no stop," yelled Schala. "That sword alone can't stop it!"

If the sword alone can't stop it then shouldn't you tell us to go, instead of stop? This is one crazy, mixed up broad. She needs a man in her life besides Lavos. And I know just the man for the j-

I heard a screeching growl and there I was face to face with Lavos. All I need is a good jolt and I can lift my curse. I just need to get close enough to Lavos. Before I could even move, me, Frog and Lucca were sprayed with a painful death ray and knocked on our asses. Somehow I don't think this is the technique I was told about. I feel more dead than free from any curse.

Lucca and Frog didn't look too happy, either and oddly enough, the death ray was localized to the three of us. Schala, Queen Milf and the Prophet were in perfect health.

"I've waited for this," said the Prophet.

He removed his cloak and to my amazement, in spite of barely being able to move, the Prophet was none other than Magus himself. The little pansy we beat up the last time we met Lavos.

"I've been waiting for you, Lavos," he said. "I swore long ago that I'd destroy you! No matter what the price! It's time to fulfill that vow. Feel my wrath, Lavos!"

I watched in anticipation. Surely he was going to cast some powerful magic even greater than the gigantic dark spells he used on us in our battle.

"What do you think you can do," said the Queen in disrespect. "Hmph! A false prophet... You'll be a snack for the great Lavos!"

"Mother, please stop," said Schala as she stepped on my face. "This power can only end in ruin!"

Please get off of my face.

"Get away from there, Schala," said the Queen. "The almighty force of Lavos lives in all of us... You are a part of it! You cannot change fate now! Oppose me and I will destroy you also!"

If you can get Schala's heel out of my nose, I'm on your side, Queenie. She zapped Schala backwards and instead of standing on my face she was now sitting on my face. I could definitely use a slurp if you could, Frog. In other circumstances, this position would be thrilling, though.

"Come prophet, feel the power of Lavos," said the Queen as she hopped onto Lavos's....oh, my god. That's disgusting.

"Ungh," said Magus as he felt the wrath of Lavos. "Aaaah!! My powers are being drained! Ungh... I won't be beaten! I survived the darkness to defeat you, Lavos! Take this, Lavos!"

OK! Here it comes! The all-powerful, deadly dark magic of Magus. We might manage to pull this one out after all!

I watched in complete depression as Magus just hit Lavos in the face with a stick. What the hell? Am I the only one in the whole world with any competence at all?

"Wh, what? It doesn't work," said Magus.

OF COURSE NOT! YOU CAN'T BEAT THE ALL-POWERFUL IMMORTAL WHO IS CONSUMING THE PLANET BY HITTING HIM WITH A STICK! I GIVE UP! YOU PEOPLE ARE CLUELESS!

"Foolish one," said the Queen. "Your measly power can't touch Lavos!"

Hey Lavos! This is Crono here. Um, as for these guys who want to kill you, I don't know any of them. I don't care about any of them. I'm just here to ask you a favor. I need one of your little jolts of pain to release me from a curse I have. You give me that and I promise I'll leave you alone. What do you say? If you want to finish up having sex with the Queen, that's cool. I'll just wait right here for you. She's pretty cute, isn't she?

"This is from me to you," said the Queen. "You shall enjoy eternal life....as part of Lavos!"

Can I be one of his spines? How about we make Lucca his anus, hahahahahahahaha! Boy, do I have a headache. I stumbled to my feet, intent on getting Lavos's attention.

Chapter Twenty-Two: Back To Zeal, Yo! Fo Realz, Yo!

When Ozzie fell, the block of ice returned, but it melted away to reveal a familiar face, although not the one I was expecting.

"Old man Melchior," said Frog.

I was a little surprised myself, although not nearly as surprised by the fact that Frog recognized a person he had never met.

"Indeed, I am Melchior," said Melchior. "Have we met before?"

Me, you and Marle have, but you've never met Frog. I am totally confused, too, old man.

"More importantly," he said, "can you tell me anything about the Ocean Palace?"

Well, let's see. It's a palace and it's on the ocean. Should I be more specific?

"I see...the Queen has degenerated to that degree," said Melchior in response to our silence. "The more energy the Mammon Machine absorbs, the further the Queen degenerates."

HEY!!! Don't talk about Queen Milf that way! You're just jealous because you probably can't get anywhere with her. Of course, I never have heard anything about who got her pregnant with those two kids of hers. Maybe it was Melchior and now he's mad because she's done with him. It's only natural to want to banish your ex-husband to a magical floating mountain. She stays young looking with her magic and you're fading away like an old man should. Am I right?

"Her spirit has been stolen by the infamous immortal, Lavos," said Melchior.

When you mess with Fire Big, you get what you get.

The mountain started to crumble and Melchior urged us to climb back down to the village we came from. Just as we climbed down the very first chain, the mountain broke free and plunged into the ocean. It was such a huge crash that the non-stop blizzard ceased just long enough to watch the mountain as it fell.

Back at the village Melchior began informing us of things we already knew about Lavos and his activities underground, consuming the planet, blah, blah, blah.

"If the Mammon Machine is brought closer to him, he may awaken," said Melchior. Now that's what I wanted to hear! How do we make it happen old man?! I'm almost free from my curse, I can feel it!

"We must hurry before it's too late," said Melchior.

Oh, I guess he doesn't want Lavos to awaken. A messenger broke in and brought news of Schala's arrival at the village. She walked in and I found myself swooning again. I pushed Marle under the table.

"Miss Schala," said the village elder, "why have you come to such a miserable place?"

Schala got mad and started talking a line of bull about how all people are equal and stuff everyone knows isn't true. Just then I noticed Janus and he noticed me. I winked at him and he got scared and retreated into a corner.

"The only difference is that we are under Lavos's control," said Schala.

I wish I was Lavos.

"What a filthy hovel," said Janus.

What a turd.

"Melchior," said Schala. "After the Mountain of Woe fell, I thought I would find you here!"

Isn't this the woman that just banished me to another time period? The least she could do is say hello!

"Is it safe for you to leave the palace," said Melchior.

"That no longer matters," said Schala. "The Ocean Palace is now operational!"

"Then all is lost," said Melchior.

If that means Lavos is sure to wake up then point me in that direction old man.

"But without me, the Mammon Machine won't work," said Schala. "I have turned my back on that evil device. I've kept the Skyway open. Hurry! You must stop...my mother!"

Is she talking to Melchior? I think he's too old to......oh, she means us. What a little brat! She finally acknowledges me just to say, "oh, nice to see you again, do you think you could do me a favor and save the world?"

A voice from the room's entrance said, "why don't we keep it right there."

Dalton walked in to the surprise of everyone.

"Tisk, tisk my dear," he said. "Your presence is required elsewhere!"

"Dalton," yelled Melchior, "leave her alone!"

Yeah! Kick his ass, Melchior! This could be a good fight. Dalton just laughed and called Melchior a geezer, which would have been my first move if I was in his shoes. Then, he blasted Melchior with a fireball and slapped Schala in the back of the head.

A few moments ago I might have defended her, but she had made her feelings quite obvious. I was just a tool to be used. She's a princess after all. Spoiled brat. I don't care what she looks like when she's just wearing panties. Alright, in a technical sense I care, but not in the "get Crono to follow orders" kinda way.

"You'll come to the Ocean Palace with me," said Dalton. "Do anything funny, and Schala's dust. Got it?"

I put my arm under my armpit and made fart noises. OK, now turn her into dust like you said. Unless you don't think that's funny.

Dalton just looked at me like I was some sort of freak and Janus darted forward at him. Dalton slapped him back up against the cave wall to my delight.

"The Queen's children all seem to have a problem with authority, don't they," said Dalton.

This guy was pissing me off, although I couldn't care less if he killed both of his hostages. I pulled out my sword and he just said, "stay back. The life of this woman means nothing to me!"

Well, if Schala dies, she can't activate the Mammon Machine and I can't get a jolt from Lavos, so he's got me under control at the moment. I put my sword away and Dalton left with the Queen's children.

"Melchior," said Marle.

"I'm alright," said Melchior. "But we must save Schala or else."

"Impossible," said the village elder. "Even though it's coming from YOU Melchior."

"If the queen is allowed to fulfill her scheme, all life as we know it is doomed," said Melchior. I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head in hopelessness. Why the hell didn't I just stay HOME on that damned day I went to the fair?

"You're willing to challenge the Queen," asked Melchior in surprise.

Not as surprised as I was that my feelings of disinterest were interpreted as a desire to fight the Queen. Actually, I guess the only way to get to Lavos is through the Queen, so why the hell not! I nodded my head yes and Melchior smiled.

"You've done so much for us," said Melchior, "and I don't even know your names!"

And by the time we run into you at the Millenial Fair you'll have already forgotten about us. Kinda makes me think we're about to fail miserably.

"Worry not thine head," said Frog. "Thou hath fixed the Masamune!"

Did I ever tell Frog who fixed it? I don't remember. Maybe somebody told him about it while he was sitting around at the end of time.

"What ARE you talking about," said Melchior.

To be honest, Melchman, I don't really know what the hell is going on.

"Crono," yelled Marle as she jumped up and down, "let's get going!"

"Wait," said Melchior. "Take this with you. It's made from the same red stone as the Mammon Machine. With it, you can destroy the Machine!"

He handed me a ruby knife and we left the village to head back to the floating kingdom. Up the skyways we went and off to stop the Queen. I just hope I can overcome her charms.

If she's anything like her uncaring daughter it won't take much. I'm not just a tool of love to be dragged around and used wherever she needs a hero or a guy to take out the trash. People like that are just about as pathetic as they come.

I was having Marle get into the skyway transporters first to check it out. If the Queen is on to Schala's plans she might have set traps for us.

We waltzed into Zeal Palace and prepared for whatever guards awaited us. The only thing we found were a bunch of those stupid Nu and they didn't even try to stop us. In the throne room we found everybody's favorite stooge, Dalton. He seemed agitated.

"Phooey," yelled Dalton. "Why is the Prophet allowed inside while I'm stuck with guard duty?"

Because you're ugly.

"Ha, there you are," yelled Dalton. "I let the Prophet go, knowing he'd mess up sooner or later. But I've no use for you anymore! You're history."

If by history he meant we would go down in history as kicking his ass with ease, then yes, that's what we are, because all he ever did was throw rocks at us. I pounded on him while Marle and Frog kept us healthy. (yawn)

"N...nooooo," yelled Dalton. "I'm going to be immortal! I CAN'T be beaten now!"

He transported into a gate looking thing and we decided to follow. Ladies first.

Chapter Twenty-One: Ozzie On A Mountain Top

We found the dactyls still sitting outside, although I thought Kino would have taken them home by now. Lazy bastard. We returned to the time gate up above the cliff again and Lucca looked at me skeptically.

"Robo," said Lucca. "You get on his right side and I'll get on his left side. Lock arms with me and we'll hold him in between us, so we all jump at the same time."

I was now standing at the top of a cliff with Lucca and Robo making a Crono sandwich. I was highly depressed. Hmmmmmmmm, hey, I know. Zap! Lucca and Robo were gone and I replaced them with Marle and Ayla. I now have four, nice, firm breasts squashed up against me.

Marle in the front and Ayla in the back. This is nice.

"Hee, hee," giggled Marle. "It's nice to see you, too, Crono!"

"Grrribbit, this is quite odd," said Frog.

What? Oops!

I zapped Frog away and got Ayla like I had origanally planned.

"Crono, what happen," asked Ayla, who was a little bit confused as she sniffed the back of my head.

Before I could take any action, Marle grabbed us both and pulled us over the cliff.

Back at the end of time we went to see the old man at the lamp post. He told us that a guy in the future was working on something called "the Wings of Time" and that we should go see him in spite of the fact that he had probably lost his mind.

Since we were going to Robo's time period he wanted to tag along, so I ditched Marle. We walked all the way back to the dome where we first saw the crazy old man and his Nu girlfriend.

Inside, all we found was the Nu sleeping the day away. Well, the crazy old man was dead. It's odd how we travel through time, yet we always seem to wind up at a later time than the last time we were there. I guess it's just the way it works or else we might run into ourselves from time to time.

Yeesh, thoughts like that give me a headache. I think I'll stare at Ayla while Robo talks to the Nu. After he talked to the Nu for a moment it conked out, so whatever it was supposed to do wasn't going to happen. I guess we can look around the place and try to figure it out on our own. Ayla, don't touch anything and don't go throwing any turds at anyone.

In the back I found one of the magical doors that I could open with my pendant and it worked just like I expected it to. What we found in the next room was a string of messages from the Guru of BS.

He said that he lived in the ancient kingdom of Zeal, which we already knew and that a great disaster sent him into the future. Aha! I was right. Something bad is going to happen to that kingdom. It's a damn good thing we left when we did. I guess I should thank that weird prophet guy after all.

The Guru's messages went on to talk about Lavos and basically he recapped everything we went to the trouble of figuring out on our own over the past few weeks, or days, or month or something. Damn, it's hard to keep track of time when you're transcending it.

Then the messages went on to talk about how Lavos was reigning from on top of Death Peak and replicating itself. Now I see where he's going with this. Basically, he's all brains and no brawn, so he wants us to save the entire planet from Lavos where he couldn't, but he's going to give us something in order to help us do that. Well, first I need to see the gift. I'm still not on the same page as my altruistic friends. I just need to get the hell away from them, so they can waste their time saving the world.

In the next room we found a huge machine that must be the Wings of Time.

"The Wings of Time," said Robo. "I believe I have heard of this device."

You're always a step behind me, Robo.

"What this thing," said Ayla.

You're always a football field behind me, Ayla.

The Nu had followed us in and he gave us a lift to get up onto the Wings of Time. Then he started talking like he was Belthasar, the Guru of BS. I'm freaked out, once again.

"I copied my memory into this thing," said Nubelthasar the Guru of Puns. "What do you think?"

Nubelthasar went on to explain how to use the Wings of Time. If I hadn't switched out Marle for Robo this would have been a looooong process.

He asked us to name the Wings of Time and I called it the Epoch. We got inside and I took the controls. Robo explained what I was supposed to do. It wasn't that hard. I moved the controls to the present and Robo stopped me.

He shook his head and pointed at the Dark Ages. I'm getting sick and tired of him and his knowing the correct course of action for me. He's been right so far, but it still pisses me off. Access to Lavos is in the Dark Ages and that's where I need to go.

We flashed into a huge volcanic looking area and Robo said something highly philosophical about human energy and sums and totals. Ayla on the other hand just said, "it great! It fast!!!"

These two are, without a doubt, complete polar opposites. I'll bet Kino and Epoch have something in common, though.

We appeared in the blizzard again, so I got rid of Ayla and brought Lucca back around. I'll keep her around to get through this blizzard at the very least. At the skyway we found that it was sealed, so we had to go look elsewhere.

Eventually, we came upon a cave with a ladder. Ladders are usually a sign of some sort of humanity, so I decided to take a look. I got rid of the robot and the crooked science geek and replace them with Marle and Frog. Marle is best for uncertain situations and Frog seems to be the member of my group that appreciates my activities the most.

Naturally, due to my polite upbringing, I let Marle climb the ladder first. Ladies first still applies in situations with possible traps or unfriendly creatures. When we got inside the cave we discovered that there were indeed humans living here. This was called Algetty and it was where the humans that didn't have magic lived.

We proceeded downward into the beast's nest and found ourselves face to face with an angry imp and his blue and red rhino pets. They didn't like being attacked by magic, so that's what we did. Afterwards, we climbed up a long chain onto a floating mountain called the Mountain of Woe. I guess this is where that Guru is being held. I hope he can help us out.

The mountain was connected through a series of chains and it was obviously not staying put through sound construction as much as some form of powerful magic. The fog was getting thicker and it was getting darker and darker as we moved across the mountain. We finally reached the summit and we came face to face with someone encased in a block of ice.

"Ah, 'tis where the Guru of Life remains imprisoned," said Frog.

Oh my god. Now it all makes sense, yet it's extremely depressing. One Guru gets sent to the future somehow, so it stands to reason that the other gurus may have shared a similar fate and here I am faced with something all too familiar. I just can't believe that Ozzie was ever referred to as the Guru of Life.

I looked around for switches to drop his ass off of the mountain like last time, but I didn't see anything. The ice would surely be impossible to break through as well. Before I could decide what to do, something odd happened.

"Look, it's disappearing," said Marle.

A huge monster came from behind where the ice block was sitting a few seconds ago. Obviously, Ozzie used to be a lot bigger and he was purple. Well, Ozzie, I'm going to kick your ass the normal way this time! His arms produced some highly powerful magic, but it was nothing we hadn't dealt with before. He paled in comparison to that awful Tyrano.

Chapter Twenty: Fighting For Schala's Heart.......Or Her Panties.

We chased after Schala and when I caught up with her I saw her use her pendant to open up a magical door. It looked a lot like Marle's pendant and since I still have it, i tried to use it on the door.

Damnit! No luck! Think fast Crono, she could be showering behind that door!

"This door has a strong defense mechanism," said Robo as I began bashing my head against it over and over.

"Hmmmm," said Lucca, "there's something to this pendant."

I gave up in sadness and we went to look around the rest of the place. One of the stupid morons we ran into started talking about plants and she asked if I liked them. I looked down at a nice tasty hemp plant she had and I nodded enthusiastically.

"Oh, you're just like me," she said. "But the queen ordered me to burn this sapling I received from the Guru of Life."

Are you sure she didn't tell you to smoke it?

"He said it was a magical sapling, with powers to cure the environment," said the woman.

Hahahaha! That's one way to put it. I need to hook up with the Guru of Pot and work out some purchases.

"What shall I do," asked the woman.

"Secretly plant it," I said.

"You're right," said the woman. "Even if it IS the Queen's command, the Guru of Life gave it to me. I can't burn it. I'm going to grow it with love. Someday it may save the environment."

Yep, or at least it will be popular at parties.

In one of the back rooms we found a hallway that led to something called the Mammon Machine. Lucca and Robo were looking at it in awe, but all I could think about was Schala's long legs and her exquisite bosoms.......I'd sure like to stick my magic pendant into Schala's Mammon Machine.

I hurled the worthless pendant at the Mammon Machine and it floated for a second. When it fell out of the flow of the Mammon Machine it was shining with energy.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm...........

Back at the magical door I tried to use the newly charged pendant and sure enough it worked like a charm.

"Heh, heh," laughed Lucca. "Even a door of this caliber can't keep science at bay!"

Or smelly girl nerds like yourself.

"There is no doubt," said Robo. "Marle's pendant is made of the Guru's Rock."

What the hell is Robo talking about? Let's go through the door, guys! Give me Schala or give me death!

We charged into the room where Schala and Dalton were at. The woman on the throne must be Queen Zeal and there was another person in the room as well, shrouded in a cloak. One thing's for sure, I can see where Schala got her looks from.

Queen Milf looked almost as good as her daughter!

"Who are you," asked Queen Milf. "How did you get in here?"

Nothing can stand between a man and the woman he loves. Come to me, Schala, but if you're busy, could you put in a good word with your mom?

"Your majesty," said the odd man in the cloak, "they are the evildoers I warned you of."

"How dare you think you could oppose me, you...foreigners," yelled Queen Milf. "You're worse than the Gurus!"

Who the hell are these Gurus everyone keep talking about. So far I knew a little about the Guru of Pot and the Guru of BS. Are there anymore?

"Fools," yelled Queen Milf. "Dalton, take them away!"

Dalton summoned a thing that he called a Golem and it was time to fight. Let me tell you something about getting my ass kicked. It really sucks. That Golem was dropping cannon balls on my head and breathing fire. Lucca held out longer than me and Robo with her ability to resist fire, but she was still no match for it. My love for Schala would have to wait as I lay there on the ground unable to move.

The Queen laughed at us and said, "fear not! You won't die...immediately, that is! But by the time we're through with you, you'll be begging us to end your suffering."

Hmmmmmmmm, that doesn't sound like much fun. How about we make a deal. You keep the robot and the girl and I go free. What do you think?

They weren't in the mood for any dealing and it didn't matter as I was losing consciousness. The next thing I remember was being trapped in the area where I couldn't see anything at all and it felt like I was floating. I was worried that I was dead and then I heard some voices.

"Hmph, idiots," said one of the voices. "What will you do, Schala?"

"Let us rescue them," said Schala. I still couldn't see anything, but I heard Schala talking to someone.

"I think it's useless," said the non-Schala voice. "Besides, if they escape, you'll be in trouble."

"Don't worry about me," said Schala. "They just might be able to rescue the Gurus."

I was lifted in the air and I felt my feet hit the ground. My eyes were having trouble focusing, but I could see the beautiful blue hair of the goddess, who had just freed me. I rushed forward and gave her a kiss I knew she would never forget. As I held her in my arms my eyes began to focus and I found myself face to face with that little turd with the cat. He didn't look very happy.

Lucca, Robo and Schala didn't look as horrified as Janus, but they certainly seemed a bit confused.

"So, that's what you're into," said Lucca. "Poor Marle. She'll be heartbroken, but it certainly explains a lot."

I crossed my arms and decided it would be better to pretend like I had meant to do it instead of try to explain what had happened.

Schala shook the confusion out of her head and said, "are you all right? Quickly, escape from the palace! And if you can, please rescue Melchior! He was sent to the Mountain of Woe for opposing the Queen. Please! You have to help him!"

The Mountain of Woe? Is that what you people call my time period? Well, that's pretty rude.

"I'm afraid I can't allow that," said an odd voice from entrance to the room.

It was that strange cloaked guy.

"Your meddling tires me," he said. "You'll...just have to disappear!"

"You mustn't," said Schala, who moved closer to me.

Heh, heh. I hear you, baby. I'll kick this guy's ass for you. Janus and Alfador stepped forward bravely, so I hesitated in order for them to hopefully get killed.

"Okay, I'll spare them," said the strange cloaked guy. "But in return, you WILL cooperate, Schala!"

Hey, I like this guy's style, although I don't appreciate the competition for Shala's love. "Now, show me how you came here," said the strange cloaked guy, who was now talking to me.

Well, he should know better than me! I was unconscious when they brought us in here!

Lucca realized that he was talking about the time gate and he followed us to it.

"Hmmmm," said the strange cloaked guy, "so you came in through here. Now Schala! After I throw them in, I want you to seal the portal shut."

Arghhh, this could be troublesome. I knew I was really close to meeting up with Lavos in this time period and now I was in trouble just because of some competition for Schala.

"N, no," said Schala. "You can't make me!"

That's right, you tell him which man you want, Schala!

"Obey me," said the strange cloaked guy. "Their lives are at stake!"

What? When did this happen? I was pretty sure I could kick this little pansy's ass.

"I...oh, all right," said Schala.

Before I could move, the time gate opened and sucked us in. The last thing I heard was Schala saying, "please forgive me."

We tried to use the time gate again, but it had been sealed. Great, we're back at 65,000,000 BC and I'm no closer to getting free of these losers. Not to mention the fact that the only action I've gotten in the last few days was from Janus.

"The prophet could have just done away with us," said Lucca.

"The key to defeating Lavos must exist in that era," said Robo.

"The crest on those sealed doors," said Lucca. "We've seen it elsewhere, haven't we?"

If Lucca and Robo don't shut up, I'm going to vomit.

"We may yet find our way back to that era," said Lucca. "Let's get cracking, Crono!"

I hate you, Lucca.

Chapter Nineteen: Marle Releases Some Black Wind

When we walked outside I could see that we were no longer on the planet, but instead, we were up above the clouds on a group of floating islands. Don't tell me that Ayla's ancestors managed all of this? They've just mastered the concept of flinging feces at each other.

We walked into a section of the floating island that was called Enhasa. Immediately, I noticed one of those shaved hamsters like Masa and Mune.

"This is the eternal kingdom of Zeal, where dreams can come true," it said. "But at what price?"

The hamster hopped into the air and disappeared. Ok. Do you think you could teach Marle that?

The people here just kept talking about their magic and sleeping and a bunch of crap I wasn't interested in. I saw another one of those hamsters and I couldn't resist, so I went over to talk to it.

"Am I a butterfly dreaming I'm a man," said the hamster, "or a bowling ball dreaming I'm a plate of sashimi? Never assume that what you see and feel is real!"

You aren't sure whether you're a bowling ball falling on a man or a butterfly screwing a plate of sashimi and then you try to give me advice? The hamster disappeared just like the last one. I can't believe Frog uses two of these freaks as a sword.

I didn't know what to make of this weird place, but one thing was for sure, some sort of disaster had killed it long before my time or even worse, it was still around in my time and I just didn't know about it yet. Just as I had formulated my thoughts, Marle let loose a monstrous fart that shook the entire island.

For a second I thought we were about to become part of the natural disaster I had just predicted. She just giggled and acted like it was something she always did. At that point, I noticed just how awful it smelled and I fell to my knees in pain trying to catch a breath that didn't make me nauseous.

"The black wind howls," said a weird little blue-haired boy that was passing by with his hand over his nose. "One among you, will shortly perish."

You said it kid. Jesus Christ, Marle. We need to put you on a farm.

I zapped Marle away and brought in Lucca.

"What is that smell," said Lucca.

"It's the smell of death," said Robo.

Lucca helped me to my feet and we hurried away to another area. I saw another of the hamsters, but I was starting to get the idea that I had been talking to the same one this whole time.

"I'm Doreen," it said. "Seek the hidden path, and open the doors of knowledge, each in turn."

Doreen jumped into the air and disappeared. What a freak. I hope you find your bowling ball or whatever the hell it is you're doing.

I found a book that let loose a spray of water when I opened it. I opened another book that was blowing wind at me. When I opened another one, it caught on fire and a trap door opened behind it. I ran inside to hide so I wouldn't get blamed for the fire.

Inside we found a little blue guy called a Nu. I had run into his kind before.

"The Guru of reason is gone," said the Nu. "Challenge me to a fight?"

Well, I must admit that I'm shaking in my boots at the thought of fighting a blue head with arms, legs and a seashell on its head, but I'll give it a go.

He transformed into 6 Nus, which I hadn't expected. These Nus couldn't be trusted, that's for sure. He didn't say, "challenge us", but nevertheless, we had no trouble kicking their asses. When the Nu died he gave me some more of that magic stuff that gets my little man going.

A book on the table said, "all of life begins with Nu and ends with Nu. This is the truth! This is my belief!...at least for now."

Obviously this Guru of Reason was actually the Guru of BS. If you're going to come up with a theory like that and not be certain, you're probably just some crazy old man with Alzheimer's that's been taking too many tabs and using your fair share of ether.

We left Enhasa and got into the next transporter thing. We found ourselves back on the planet with all the snow. Lucca looked apprehensive, but we toughed it out. She used her fire magic to keep us warm. I should have thought of this in the first place.

We walked north and found another transporter. Sure enough, it brought us to another one of the floating islands. Why the hell didn't they just build these things to transport from island to island? Then they wouldn't have to walk in the freezing cold.

We were now on the main section of the floating islands. A small mountain was to our right as well as a conspicuous looking waterfall. I saw something huge in the distance. When we came to it, we could see a huge device behind a few guards. They called it the Blackbird.

"Everything A-okay, Sir Dalton," said one of the guards, who was talking to someone behind us.

A strange man in a cape was standing there looking at us suspiciously.

"Of course it is, you idiot," said Dalton. "Hey you! What're you doing there!"

I think he was talking to us now, but I really didn't care.

"Aha," he said. "It was true then! You're the ones the prophet said would come and cause trouble!"

He kept talking and it sounded like he was about to attack us, but then he just turned and walked away. This place is full of the strangest people I've ever met.

Not wanting to let the fun end, I went into a place called Kajar with more of the magic freaks talking about philosophy, butterflies and screwing Nus. I did the little 3 book opening trick and found my way into another secret place. I found a piece of charcoal on the ground and another book to read on a table. The book said, "It all began aeons ago, when man's ancestors picked up a shard of a strange red rock. It's power, which was beyond human comprehension, cultivated dreams. In turn, love and hate were born. Only time will see how it all ends."

Hmmmmmm, I guess so. Sounds like another delirious old guy to me. We left Kajar and followed a path with a chain of transporters that brought me to what seemed to be the main building of the whole floating island chain. The first guy we met told us that this was Queen Zeal's palace. Hmmmmm, Queen Zeal. She must be in charge of all of this.

To the far right we found a set of bedrooms. When we walked into the right of the two, we overheard that weird little boy from earlier talking to his............gorgeous, older sister.

NOW, I know the reason why I've been time traveling. To meet you! I've been wasting my time with Marle and Ayla when she's been waiting for me all this time. Lucca slapped me in the back of the head.

"Stop drooling, Crono," she said.

"Schala," said the little boy to his sister.

"Oh, you're back Janus," said Schala. "Is something wrong?"

Her name is Schala..................oh, baby.

"The black wind," said Janus.

"You feel it, too," said Schala. "Don't worry, it'll be alright."

Holy cow! Marle scared Janus to the point that he's discussing it with his hottie sister, not to mention the fact that she felt the power Marle let loose over here on an entirely different island. Maybe I should have given Marle some more credit.

Schala gave Janus an amulet and then they started trashing their mother. Ungrateful, spoiled brats. Their mom gives them all of this luxury, free of pain and suffering and yet they complain, because she expects them to mow the lawn or take out the trash. I hate rich kids.

My eavesdropping was interrupted by a messenger that told Schala she had to go to a place called the Ocean Palace. When Shala saw me she looked surprised and asked who I was. Before I could explain to her about destiny, fate, love and her removing her clothing, the messenger interrupted again and urged her to hurry. Damnit! I missed my chance.

I walked over to Janus and his ugly little purple cat.

"Don't waste your time," said Janus. "Alfador only likes me."

Oh, he does, you little turd? How about this?!

I stomped on Alfador's tail and he shot 15 feet up in the air, coming down on Janus's face. Now THAT made this whole trip worthwhile, but for now, I've gotta catch up with Schala to declare my love.

Chapter Eighteen: Fire Big Earth To The Falls

At one point I tried to cast lightning on Nizbel and I missed and hit Ayla instead. At first, I thought I had sealed my fate as far as getting anywhere with Ayla, but she just ran over to Nizbel and chomped down on him, transfering all of the electricity onto him. She's one tough bitch!

We killed the weak little dinosaur, no thanks to Marle and her crossbow and made our way all the way to Azala's throne room. I figured there would be no more traps and just straight fighting form hereon out, so I dropped her and brought Robo back.

"So...you are here at last," said Azala. "This is it, then. The showdown. Today there shall be a conclusion. Will it be the Reptites, or you silly apes who end up ruling the world?"

Hey, Robo, you don't have to take that. You're a talking rock.

Ayla darted forward, as always with her ass in the air, and said, "strong survive. Ayla strong. Ayla fight!"

A loud growl could be heard behind Azala and I turned and ran towards the door we came in. Robo caught up with me and sat on my face. Why is he always around when I try to run away?!

"Hear that lovely voice," said Azala.

It must be Azala's wife.

"You'll soon become the best of friends," said Azala and he hopped across his throne and out the back door.

Well, he ran away and we won. Let's get out of here, people. You can get off of my face now, Robo. Robo picked me up and carried me over his head as he followed Ayla out the back door. I really hate this robot. I think he's the only one of my friends who seems to know what's actually going on inside my head.

Out the back door Robo set me down and I took a long look at Ayla. Her body, not her face, of course. I knew that I had to fight or else she would go it alone. Then I took a long look across the bridge in front of us to the huge monster at the end.

It was nice knowing you, Ayla.

I tried to run back out the door, but that damn robot was in my way. He just shook his head and pointed forward. I looked back at the Black Tyrano waiting for us and I decided to just face death head on.

I looked at Ayla, who nodded her head and smiled at me. I guess she thinks I want to help her win this war against the Reptites. Well, if I'm going to die, I'm going to die happy.

I grabbed Ayla and leaned her over, giving her the most passionate kiss she had probably ever had. I'm sure that loser Kino hadn't even gotten to 1st base with her. I pulled her back up, turned her around and slapped her on the ass. It was time to fight, Azala!

I took one step forward and then Ayla picked me up and threw me backwards. I collided with Robo and we finally stopped when we bumped into Azala's throne.

Ayla walked back into the room with fire in her eyes and she said, "Crono is pervert! Crono get his butt outside and fight Azala or Ayla throw him off of bridge into lava! Ayla is not just piece of meat! Ayla have feelings and Ayla deserve respect!"

Oh, no! Ayla's a feminist! This whole time she's just been using her sexuality to trick me into helping her fight the Reptites! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! There is no god.

Ayla walked over and gave Robo the same kind of kiss I had just given her as well as a slap on his ass and they walked forward to confront Azala. What the hell? I HOPE she kissed Robo just to contradict the kiss I gave her and I HOPE she thinks that he's some sort of living being, because I know better than to mess with girls that are into mechanical love.

I got up to go fight Azala as I would prefer to be killed by him than Ayla. The Black Tyrano was gigantic. We have no chance, but here goes nothing.

"Red star," said Azala, "fall!!!!!!! Stain the earth...RED!"

He was looking at the star I had noticed awhile ago as if he knew what it was.

"Though it may be our fate to perish, we will not simply hand this world over to you," said Azala. "Mwa ha ha! With this Black Tyrano I can finally exterminate those filthy apes!"

Hey, Robo, you don't have to take that. You're a talking rock.

I ran forward to give Azala a taste of my sword and just before I got within range, Ayla picked me up and threw me into the air. That stupid, prehistorical prostitute just threw me off of the bridge!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Just at that moment I realized that the trajectory had caused me to slam swordfirst into both Azala and the Black Tyrano causing a great deal of damage. I plopped right back down onto the ground in between Ayla and Robo. Phew!

We managed to take Azala out after a lot of attacking, but the Black Tyrano was like a gigantic statue. None of our attacks were getting through. I was starting to think it was hopeless. I looked to my left and right and I noticed that Ayla and Robo were both standing right on the edge of the bridge.

Hmmmmmm, Azala was dead and with one good push I could get rid of these two bozos. I could retreat and not get eaten. I inched closer to Ayla and before I got close enough to push her off the edge a voice told us that the Black Tyrano had removed his defenses in order to store power.

Ayla rushed forward and gave it a good slap on the nose. Finally, we could do some damage. I guess I can put plan B on hold for now. We began to beat the Black Tyrano senseless and just as I thought we were going to take him down, he opened his mouth and breathed wave after wave of flesh-searing fireballs. I looked around and both Robo and Ayla were unconscious. I was stumbling around in a great deal of pain. I needed a kiss from Ayla immediately!

I used some magic I had learned to bring her back to life and the first thing she did was plant a huge wet one on my cheek. Hey, I don't care if she is a feminist. I'm still in love. I brought Robo back to life as well and he sprayed us all down with his healing beam.

No wimpy Black Tyrano was going to do us in.

We went back to kicking ass again and finally with a slash to the face, the Black Tyrano exploded into nothingness. All that was left was Azala, barely clinging to life. I don't think Ayla's gonna give HIM any kisses.

"No," said Azala. "It can't be...! Could the heavens truly have sided with the apes?"

Hey Robo, you don't have to take that. You're a talking-- Robo picked me up and held me over the edge of the bridge. He didn't have to say anything. I knew what he meant. He put me back down and we resumed pointing and laughing at Azala as he slowly died.

"Listen, primates, and let it be known," said Azala. "We Reptites fought bravely to the bitter end!"

"Ayla understand," said Ayla.

For some reason she was pitying him, I guess. A huge flash of fire brought our attention away from Azala and he said, "soon, stones of fire will rain down. Flames shall scorch the land. The burned out plains will slowly freeze, ushering in a long, cruel ice age. Mwa, ha, ha...what a treat! You will wish you went along with us!"

He can see the future, but he wasn't prepared for dealing with the three of us? That makes no sense at all.

"Lavos," said Ayla.

It all became so clear to me. Ayla was the cause of all of this! She was working with Lavos and......no, probably not.

"Lavos," said Robo, "impossible!"

"Ayla's word," said Ayla. "La mean fire. Vos mean big."

You call it Firebig? It would make a lot more sense to call it Bigfire. So all this time we've been calling it Lavos, when it should be called Vosla. How can I continue to fight it when I can't even use correct grammar?

Suddenly, Kino appeared riding our dactyls. Where the hell was he hiding before? I don't even care. Just get me off of this rock.

Ayla tried to get Azala to come with us, but he refused. She probably just wanted to torture him at one of their stupid ape parties. The last thing Azala said as we flew away was that we had no future.

Amazing. He knew what Vosla............jeez, it just sounds too strange. Ahem. He knew what Lavos was going to do long before he even landed here and he even foresaw the destruction of the planet, yet once again, he couldn't manage to prepare a fitting defense system against me, Ayla and Robo. I'm very skeptical about this whole thing.

We went to where Lavos had fallen in hopes that we could beat it at its weakest, but before we could even do a thing it was already deep underground. Oddly enough, there was a new time gate to try out. I figured, what the hell, so we jumped inside.

We appeared in a place where it was obviously winter, but I wasn't quite sure what time period it was.

Robo jumped up and down and said, "the Time Gyro says...what?! 12,000 years in the past?! That was some trip!"

"Where this, Crono," asked Ayla.

She seemed scared and she was shivering in the cold. I wanted to just let her freeze, so she would have to share my body warmth, but girls like her just use you for what they can get and sue you for what they can't. I'm not a fool. She can sit at the end of time with the rest of these idiots.

Ayla disappeared and Marle was back in her place. Lucca was too much into fire and Frog was no longer warm-blooded. I don't think they could handle an ice age and out of all of my friends, depressing as it may be, Marle is the best choice for someone to cuddle with to share body heat. I'm damned sure I'm not going to cuddle with Frog. If I don't find Lavos soon I'm just going to fall on my sword and be done with it.

Marle was immediately freezing and pressed up against me. Eh, I guess it's not so bad as long as she doesn't talk.

We found our way to an odd device and I had Marle step into it. She disappeared, but then me and Robo got sucked in with her. When we reappeared it was no longer cold. Marle tried to get up close to me, but I just pushed her away. It's not cold anymore, sister.

Chapter Seventeen: Bye Bye, Magus. Hello, Ayla!

I ran at Magus with my sword and did minimal damage. He countered with his powerful magic. Anytime one of us attacked, Magus would counter with a spell. Some weird voice gave us instructions on how to fight him, so we figured out that when he attacked us with a certain type of magic, that's what we should attack him with right back and as far as non-magic attacking goes, it just wasn't worth it.

This certainly was the leader of the Mystics, but 3 on 1 was just too much for him.

"W...what have you done to the Masamune," said Magus as he fell to his knees.

Um, we fixed it, dumbass.

"It's a large-scale energy reaction," said Robo.

The blue fires had gone out and the entire area began to phase in and out of perspective.

"Could it be...Lavos," said Frog.

"Bad timing," said Magus. "Don't wake up on me now!"

Ok. Here's my chance to get cured. Come on, Lavos!

"What do you mean," asked Robo. "According to my records, Lavos was born here, at THIS precise moment."

Oh, that's right. My friends are still in the kill Magus to keep Lavos from being born mode.

"You fools," said Magus. "I only summoned him! He lives in the inner earth, absorbing the land's power and growing ever stronger!"

Robo looked at me and I tried to pretend like I was surprised.

"Then my data must be incorrect," said Robo.

"What's going on," said Frog.

"Impossible," yelled Robo, "a gate this large should not exist!"

Any second now I was going to get my chance. Come and get some, Lavos! We began to swirl around in circles with Magus in the center of a huge gate that was opening up. I heard a deafening growl and that's the last thing I remember.

I woke up in my bed back home. I couldn't see any of my friends around. I must have been cured! I'm finally free of those idiots and their world-saving delusions of grandeur!

"Crono! Crono! Wake up, Crono," said a familiar voice. I looked up and there was Marle staring down at me. Oh, no. Don't tell me. I'm still stuck with you people?

DAMNIT!

"Honey...you'll be late for work," she said.

What? Did she just call me....oh my god, it's worse than I thought!

"I'd forgotten how beautiful Leene's bell could sound," said Marle.

I'd forgotten just how awful your voice sounds, but I'm remembering all too well, now!

"Crono we can't keep sponging off of my dad! Go out and get a job!"

Noooooooooo! It's true! I'm married to Marle! Now when I truly wish Lucca was here, she's nowhere to be found! Would someone with a gun please get up here, put the gun in my mouth and pull the trigger! I'd rather marry Flea!

Wait! I never said "I do", so it doesn't count. What is it with girls? They think the best way to make you feel better after you come out of a coma is to marry you when you have no say in the matter?

"Crono, Crono, Crono, Crono, Crono, Crono, Crono, Crono!"

Marle was obviously trying to make me even more annoyed with her. I looked around for my sword. I was going to kill this wench once and for all! I jumped out of bed and suddenly I realized that I wasn't in my house.

I was on a bearskin rug and standing in front of me was......oh, my. I know you. Please tell me that you're the one I'm married to and not that hideous cheerleader.

"Crono awake," asked Ayla. "Ayla had strange dream. Went to Mystic Mountains. Everyone lie there, hurt. I carry back to hut."

So, why didn't you kill the reptite that was responsible for it? You brought him back to the hut with us?

"Magus," said Frog.

"Yummy Frog," said Ayla. "For Ayla eat?"

Oh, oh, thank god, it was just a dream. Thank you, god!

"P, perish the thought, lass," said Frog. "By the way, whither the blue-haired one?"

"Only find you there," said Ayla. "Blue-hair one more tasty?"

No, but he's luckier. I bet he managed to break his curse and he'll never have to hang around with his loser friends anymore unless he wants to. Crap.

"We hath lost him," said Frog.

Robo looked at me and said, "if Magus didn't create Lavos, then in what era was it...born?"

How the hell should I know!

"Lavos? Not worry now," said Ayla. "You rest. Hurt bad."

How about you give me a back rub, Ayla? Ayla left and we all took a nap. When I woke up, Kino was standing over me. I jumped up and got ready to fight.

"Crono, okay now?" asked Kino. "Ayla busy, look for Laruba Village. Fight Reptites together. Destroy Reptites or we no survive."

You can start by killing the Reptite right over there. Why is it that Ayla and her people can be so racist towards every Reptite they meet, but they can distinguish between them and Frog? If only we could all just get along......and have sex with Ayla.........oops, I lost my train of thought. It got derailed by a purple bikini, long blond hair and deadly curves.

"Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiino!" A scream from outside woke me back up from my daydream and we left to investigate. According to a messenger the northern woods had burned.

Not wanting to get left out of the fun, we went north to see what was going on and we found the Laruba village in ruins. Somehow, the Reptites had found the village and between the time Kino left to go to Laruba village and the time when we left to follow him, he had managed to get kidnapped. Excellent.........

An old man with a freaky headdress was scolding Ayla and blaming her for the damage. I was about to stab him.

"Ayla feel bad," said Ayla.

"Reptites strong," said the old man. "They live long time before us, they smart so we hide."

Ayla was getting excited and she was bouncing up and down. I was getting excited as well.

"Old man breathe, but dead on inside," said Ayla.

She wanted to go fight the Reptites and I'll be damned if I'll let her go it alone!

"Give Dactyl," yelled Ayla.

"Go to Tyrano Lair?" asked the old man. "That Reptite's place. Dangerous! Ayla want die?"

"Want to live, so go there," said Ayla.

You tell that old fart, Ayla! And........take off your top to give him a heart attack!

"OK," said the old man. "Go to Dactyl Nest and keeper will help. Careful, Ayla!"

"Thank you, old man," said Ayla and she ran off towards the Dactyl Nest.

We followed her. There were some monkeys and flying beasts that we fought, but it was nothing me and the boys couldn't handle. At the back of the Dactyl Nest we found Ayla looking up in the sky as these big scary looking flying dinosaurs landed next to her.

"Crono," screamed Ayla.

At your service m'lady.

"Thou goest forth alone?" asked Frog. "I know not thine quest, but a comrade of Crono's is also mine. I will not allow thee to meet thy demise alone."

Son of a.......the frog was trying to move in on my girl with his sweet talking!

"No," said Ayla. "Tyrano Lair dangerous! Maybe all perish!"

"You desire to perish," asked Frog. "I refuseth to be party to yet another demise! Let us proceed, Crono!"

Geez, I think I'm falling in love with Frog. He has such high moral standards.

"Ayla have strong friends," said Ayla.

"Let us proceed to the Tyrano Lair," said Robo.

Ayla magically found two extra flying dinosaurs and Frog disappeared. Hey, I can't have him moving in on my girl. I decided to bring Lucca as well and sent Robo packing.

Lucca might freak Ayla out enough to drive her into my arms or at least she'll freak me out enough to drive me into Ayla's arms. We were up in the air on the backs of the dactyls and we flew towards the Tyrano Lair. I noticed a huge red star in the sky that didn't look very familiar to me. I guess even the heavens were different 65 million years before I was born.

The Tyrano Lair didn't look very inviting. Well, here I am invading another realm of bad guys in another era of time. I must be the only human being in the history of the world capable of succeeding at anything. I just hope Ayla notices.

Inside the Tyrano Lair we found lots of Reptites and their little freaky monster pals. We went downstairs and killed the guards holding some of Ayla's people prisoner. We let them out and they just ran past us without a word of thanks. Not that I care, because they'll sure be pissed when they realize the only way home is to cross all that lava........unless they steal our dactyls...........damnit!

We kept going down and we found Kino in a cage. I wanted to leave the pretty boy where he was and make out with Ayla right in front of his face, but before I could act, Ayla was kicking down the bars to the cage. Remind me never to make her angry. Maybe I should just stick with Marle.

Ayla told Kino to go back with the Laruba villagers and that he would be the new chief if she died..........or was kidnapped by an evil man with a timekey. We followed Kino back upstairs and he showed us how to operate the skull doors. I could have figured that out on my own.

I didn't want to be trapped in the Tyrano Lair, so we went back outside to give the villagers rides back. Oddly enough, the villagers and Kino were nowhere to be found. The only possibility aside from being burned alive in the lava was that they had jumped down off of the cliff that the Tyrano Lair was on top of. Hey, if we could have walked here, we wouldn't have gone through all the trouble of getting these stupid monsters to ride on. They smelled worse than Lucca.

I guess Kino and all the villagers were dead. They should have waited for us. At least they didn't steal my ride. Up the first set of stairs we found monsters waiting for us. Just before we got within fighting range I stepped on a switch. Crap! It must be some sort of trap!

Then, before my eyes, the monsters fell into hole created by trap doors. Jeez, these guys must be Ozzie's ancestors. In one room we found some treasure chests. I opened one and found some ether to enjoy and when I opened the other it triggered a trap door and there I was face to face with the same monsters I was making fun of earlier. Well, they live here, so they have no excuse.

We worked our way back up and came to a wide open room with a bunch of chests to open. I walked straight towards one and suddenly we were transported to a different area of the room. We just kept running around and being transported over and over. This was obviously some sort of maze.

Eventually, we got transported right next to one of the chests. The last chest I opened caused a trap door, so I stepped back, grabbed Ayla and pointed Lucca towards the treasure chest.

"Oh, no," said Lucca. "I'm not an idiot. If you want someone to open up a chest that causes a trap door to open, you'll have to find someone a lot stupider than-"

Zap! Lucca was gone and Marle was standing in her place.

I pointed at the chest and Marle just giggled at me. She opened it and there was no trap door. No problem. After collecting all the free stuff, we found our way to the exit at the far end of the room.

We finished running all over the place and having Marle flick switches that looked like traps until we finally came into a room where Nizbel was standing there flapping his arms like an idiot.

"Azala's in the back," he said.

We went to the back of the room and Nizbel chased us down. Obviously, Azala wasn't there like he had said before. Did he think he was gaining a tactical advantage by lying about it?

"This is a special place," said Nizbel. "The great Nizbel was defeated here!"

What? Did he just tell us that he was going to fight us and lose? I don't care. Let's kick his ass.

Chapter Sixteen: DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY HAIR!

"It's been ages, sir Slush," said Frog.

I guess he considered that an insult to Slash.

"That's SLASH, you slimy dolt," said Slash. "Still playing the comedian, eh Glenn?"

If you can call that comedy. He changes one letter in your name and suddenly he's more of a comedian than a knight. I don't get it.

After we kicked Slash's ass for awhile he decided to get serious and he grabbed the sword behind him. I've never understood why some people do that. They're facing potential death and they go easy on the person trying to kill them. Maybe if he had used his special sword the whole time he would have had a chance against us. As it turned out, me, Frog and Robo managed to time our attacks all into one huge triple attack. Robo was ramming his head into Slash so hard that he shot up into the air.

"Unbelievable," said Slash. "But falling in the line of duty for Magus...leaves me with few regrets!"

Why is it unbelievable? You let us beat up on you and then you started taking us seriously. Your sword will make a wonderful new weapon for me to use. I just hope Magus doesn't get mad that I'm killing off his peons.

Just after we killed Slash that damn bat flew back down over my head. I tried swinging my sword at it, but it just persisted. We walked all the way back to the front of the castle and then took the right path.

At the very end we found a weird little floating guy.

"The magician, Flea, I presume," said Frog and we immediately began battling. Just one good hit and Flea went down. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

"Wait," said Frog. "That isn't Flea. Where's the REAL Flea?"

To my utter delight, that damn bat came forward and claimed to be Flea. Finally, I was going to get to kick its ass.

"Giving up, little tadpole," said Frog.

My mouth dropped open as the bat turned into a gorgeous hottie with red hair. I started to think that this would be the perfect time to turn on Frog and get in good with Magus, or at least get in good with Flea.

"Who is this fiend," said Robo.

"Keep your guard up," said Frog. "This is no ordinary woman! Meet Flea, the magician!"

I certainly did want to meet Flea the magician.

"What the," said Flea, "hey, I'm a guy." I puked on Robo and then pulled my sword out to make SURE Flea died if it was the last thing I ever did.

"But its exterior is that of a female," said Robo. "And thanks for puking on me, Crono."

Don't mention it, metalhead.

"Male...female......what's the difference," said Flea as he, she or it turned its ass towards us and began blowing kisses. "Power is beautiful, and I've got the power!"

If this freak didn't know the difference between male and female I would have to show him. Although, he sure did have a cute ass...............I mean, damnit, he, he's gonna die right now!

"Poor little Froggie," it said. "You must be lonely now that Cyrus is gone."

Obviously, due to the fact that instead of traveling with just Cyrus, he was now traveling with two people. I guess a lack of testosterone does that to a guy's brain power. Actually, maybe if we could avoid killing Flea, I could talk him into seducing Kino and then he'd forget about Ayla just long enough for me to move in.

Or, we could just kill the freak and be done with it. Flea was a push over. He shrieked like a little girl as we beat him to a pulp. I was very disappointed. Hopefully, Ozzie will be a challenge.

After a long walk and a bunch of monster fights we came upon Ozzie. He called for Slash and Flea, who were now in hell probably screwing each other. When they didn't appear he just ran away. We followed him into the next room where he had some traps for us. There were conveyor belts with axes that moved up and down along them. It's a good thing we brought Robo.

I pushed Robo onto the conveyor belt and the first axe came down on him. It was jammed, so Frog and I slid on through, pulling Robo by the leg to get him out from under the axe after we were safe. He wasn't moving anymore, but instead of healing him right away like we should have as his friend, we just carried him along and kept using him as a shield from the axes.

Ozzie got frustrated when we made it all the way to the end and he ran out the back of the room. Frog slurped Robo, which I found utterly disgusting. I could handle licking Marle or Lucca, but Robo? I don't think so.

"Thou tasteth like oil, my friend," said Frog. You're the one who likes to lick people, Frog, so don't blame them for how they taste. Gross. I think I want Marle and Lucca back..........nope, not just yet.

After walking up some stairs, we came to a hallway. Suddenly, the ground fell out from under us and we were in a basement of some sort. Another one of those weird sparkly transporters sent us back to the hallway we fell from. I knew there had to be more holes, so I pulled Frog aside and we let Robo go first. He found one and fell back into the basement. When he came back up I put my arm around Frog and smiled at him.

"Grrribbit, what is on your mind, Crono?" said Frog.

I transported Robo away and brought in Lucca. Frog smiled back at me and then he looked at Lucca and said, "we seem to have fallen for one of Ozzie's traps, kind lady. You must traverse the passageway to release us from his magic." Lucca nodded and began walking down the hallway. She walked around the holes that were already there, but sure enough, she opened up a new one a few steps past Robo's last hole.

When Lucca came back up from the basement she was rubbing her tushy and she looked at me and said, "I fell down a hole, geez. I'd bet there are more of them past the one I fell in..........and the two right before it........wait a minute, Crono-"

I zapped the little detective away and brought in Marle.

She smiled and said, "I knew you couldn't be happy without me around, Crono, hee hee!"

"Yes, kind lass," said Frog, "but it seems that we have fallen under one of Ozzie's spells and you must traverse the passageway to release us from it."

Marle just giggled and walked down the hallway. We waited, but we didn't hear anything.

"Rrrrgghh, impossible," said Ozzie. Marle came running back with a big smile on her face. Well, that backfired, but at least we won't be falling in any holes anymore. I ran towards Marle with my arms open and picked her up in my arms before kissing her on the cheek.

"Oh, Crono," said Marle. "I would do anything for you. I was happy to help. Sometimes you seem angry and you do mean things, but I can see deep into your eyes past all of that and even now being carried around by you, it doesn't surprise me at all just how romantic you can beeeeeaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiihhhhhhh!"

And you just got thrown into the basement. Now I feel better.

"Grrribbit, that was most hilarious, Crono," said Frog.

Frog turned to keep walking and I couldn't resist, so I booted him in the ass sending him into one of the open holes.

"Crono, thou art quite a bastard," said Frog as he fell. Frog and Marle rejoined me and Marle just pushed me playfully and gave me one of those looks a girl gives you when she knows you're mistreating her, but she's so blinded by love that she enjoys it. I zapped her away and brought in Robo again.

We continued to wade through groups and groups of Ozzie's monsters, but this wasn't even a challenge with two great swordsman and a walking tank. We kept killing and Ozzie kept running. We had a few chances to just grab him and beat him to death, but it was much more fun to just keep getting past his traps and his weak little servants.

We finally cornered him in a throne room.

"Thy time hath cometh," said Frog.

"Harharhar," said Ozzie. "I'm sure Magus has already called for reinforcements."

Ozzie encased himself in ice and for a split second I almost replaced Robo with Lucca. We tried hitting Ozzie, but it was no use. I decided to hit one of the chains on the side and a hole opened up near Frog.

Frog and Robo continued trying to hit Ozzie with no success, so I just kept hitting chain after chain opening holes in the room. I almost got Robo and the third one I hit opened a huge hole behind us. Then, I hit the fourth chain.

"Mwee, hee, hee," laughed Ozzie. "Eh?!"

For some unfathomable reason, Ozzie had created a trap door for the spot he was standing on. That had to be about the stupidest thing I've ever seen. He fell to his doom and all that we had left now was to find Magus.

We approached Magus's room and we could hear some strange chanting.

"Neuga, ziena, zieber, zom...."

It was about as creepy as I expected. Now it's time to talk to the leader of the mystics.

"Now the chosen time has come," said a strange voice from the back. "Exchange this world for..."

Blue lights were coming on all around us and I could finally see Magus. I got so scared that I started to run away, but Robo sat on my chest until I calmed down.

"Magus!" yelled Frog.

"I...it's that stupid frog," said Magus. "Kissed any princesses lately?!"

Hahahahahahahahaha! I like this Magus guy.

"I rather enjoy this form," said Frog. "And I oweth it all to you! I have something for you."

Don't believe him, Magus! He's just trying to act tough!

All of the sudden I could hear a voice in my head.

"Ah, Crono, I see you've come."

It was Magus. I looked at Robo and Frog, who each gave me an equally strange look in return. "They can't hear me, Crono. Only you can," said Magus. "I know why you've come."

Is he reading my thoughts?

"Yes, I'm reading your thoughts," said Magus.

Magus is a big butthead.

"Knock it off, stupid," said Magus.

Why am I here, then?

"You have been cursed by Lavos and you are in search of my help to find a cure," said Magus. "I have also fallen under the same spell. I've been stuck with Ozzie, Flea and Slash since before I went through puberty!"

Poor guy. That must be tough.

"You don't know the half of it," screamed Magus. "Do you know how hard it is to meet girls with those three always hanging around? Flea especially!"

Hey, don't worry, man. We just killed all three of those losers! You're free!

"Thanks for trying, Crono," said Magus, "but all three of them are alive and well. You just beat them to the point that they've retreated."

Man, I thought I had it bad. So how do we break Lavos's curse?

"I'm going to summon him here and all I have to do is get him to give me a good jolt to knock the curse out of me and it should free me from those three idiots, finally."

Great! When you do that, I'll get him to do me too and we'll both be cured!

"Wrong," said Magus. "I can only summon him long enough to get him to fix one of us before he'll realize it's a trick and go back to where he came from."

Well, Magus, we seem to have a problem then. I understand your problem, but I certainly can't miss this chance to cure my curse.

"Don't you even think that I would let you get in my way," screamed Magus. "I'm a 26-year old virgin! I can't do this anymore!"

Hey, buddy, calm down. I'm sure I could get Marle to go a round with you. And if she's not your type, I'm sure that with your long girlie bluish purple hair we could trick Lucca into a little romp in the sack with you. Wait a minute. Twenty-six years?

"DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY HAIR!" screamed Magus, who was on the verge of tears.

How about I just put it this way! You get Lavos up here and let me get rid of my curse or else me and my boys are gonna beat the snot out of you and hang you by your balls from the ceiling!

Frog's about ready to shove his sword straight up your ass and I don't like the tone you've been using...........in my head.

"Ah, the Masamune," said Magus as he began speaking out loud again. "The black wind begins to blow. Ok, give me your best shot. If you're ready for the void!"