We chased after Schala and when I caught up with her I saw her use her pendant to open up a magical door. It looked a lot like Marle's pendant and since I still have it, i tried to use it on the door.
Damnit! No luck! Think fast Crono, she could be showering behind that door!
"This door has a strong defense mechanism," said Robo as I began bashing my head against it over and over.
"Hmmmm," said Lucca, "there's something to this pendant."
I gave up in sadness and we went to look around the rest of the place. One of the stupid morons we ran into started talking about plants and she asked if I liked them. I looked down at a nice tasty hemp plant she had and I nodded enthusiastically.
"Oh, you're just like me," she said. "But the queen ordered me to burn this sapling I received from the Guru of Life."
Are you sure she didn't tell you to smoke it?
"He said it was a magical sapling, with powers to cure the environment," said the woman.
Hahahaha! That's one way to put it. I need to hook up with the Guru of Pot and work out some purchases.
"What shall I do," asked the woman.
"Secretly plant it," I said.
"You're right," said the woman. "Even if it IS the Queen's command, the Guru of Life gave it to me. I can't burn it. I'm going to grow it with love. Someday it may save the environment."
Yep, or at least it will be popular at parties.
In one of the back rooms we found a hallway that led to something called the Mammon Machine. Lucca and Robo were looking at it in awe, but all I could think about was Schala's long legs and her exquisite bosoms.......I'd sure like to stick my magic pendant into Schala's Mammon Machine.
I hurled the worthless pendant at the Mammon Machine and it floated for a second. When it fell out of the flow of the Mammon Machine it was shining with energy.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm...........
Back at the magical door I tried to use the newly charged pendant and sure enough it worked like a charm.
"Heh, heh," laughed Lucca. "Even a door of this caliber can't keep science at bay!"
Or smelly girl nerds like yourself.
"There is no doubt," said Robo. "Marle's pendant is made of the Guru's Rock."
What the hell is Robo talking about? Let's go through the door, guys! Give me Schala or give me death!
We charged into the room where Schala and Dalton were at. The woman on the throne must be Queen Zeal and there was another person in the room as well, shrouded in a cloak. One thing's for sure, I can see where Schala got her looks from.
Queen Milf looked almost as good as her daughter!
"Who are you," asked Queen Milf. "How did you get in here?"
Nothing can stand between a man and the woman he loves. Come to me, Schala, but if you're busy, could you put in a good word with your mom?
"Your majesty," said the odd man in the cloak, "they are the evildoers I warned you of."
"How dare you think you could oppose me, you...foreigners," yelled Queen Milf. "You're worse than the Gurus!"
Who the hell are these Gurus everyone keep talking about. So far I knew a little about the Guru of Pot and the Guru of BS. Are there anymore?
"Fools," yelled Queen Milf. "Dalton, take them away!"
Dalton summoned a thing that he called a Golem and it was time to fight. Let me tell you something about getting my ass kicked. It really sucks. That Golem was dropping cannon balls on my head and breathing fire. Lucca held out longer than me and Robo with her ability to resist fire, but she was still no match for it. My love for Schala would have to wait as I lay there on the ground unable to move.
The Queen laughed at us and said, "fear not! You won't die...immediately, that is! But by the time we're through with you, you'll be begging us to end your suffering."
Hmmmmmmmm, that doesn't sound like much fun. How about we make a deal. You keep the robot and the girl and I go free. What do you think?
They weren't in the mood for any dealing and it didn't matter as I was losing consciousness. The next thing I remember was being trapped in the area where I couldn't see anything at all and it felt like I was floating. I was worried that I was dead and then I heard some voices.
"Hmph, idiots," said one of the voices. "What will you do, Schala?"
"Let us rescue them," said Schala. I still couldn't see anything, but I heard Schala talking to someone.
"I think it's useless," said the non-Schala voice. "Besides, if they escape, you'll be in trouble."
"Don't worry about me," said Schala. "They just might be able to rescue the Gurus."
I was lifted in the air and I felt my feet hit the ground. My eyes were having trouble focusing, but I could see the beautiful blue hair of the goddess, who had just freed me. I rushed forward and gave her a kiss I knew she would never forget. As I held her in my arms my eyes began to focus and I found myself face to face with that little turd with the cat. He didn't look very happy.
Lucca, Robo and Schala didn't look as horrified as Janus, but they certainly seemed a bit confused.
"So, that's what you're into," said Lucca. "Poor Marle. She'll be heartbroken, but it certainly explains a lot."
I crossed my arms and decided it would be better to pretend like I had meant to do it instead of try to explain what had happened.
Schala shook the confusion out of her head and said, "are you all right? Quickly, escape from the palace! And if you can, please rescue Melchior! He was sent to the Mountain of Woe for opposing the Queen. Please! You have to help him!"
The Mountain of Woe? Is that what you people call my time period? Well, that's pretty rude.
"I'm afraid I can't allow that," said an odd voice from entrance to the room.
It was that strange cloaked guy.
"Your meddling tires me," he said. "You'll...just have to disappear!"
"You mustn't," said Schala, who moved closer to me.
Heh, heh. I hear you, baby. I'll kick this guy's ass for you. Janus and Alfador stepped forward bravely, so I hesitated in order for them to hopefully get killed.
"Okay, I'll spare them," said the strange cloaked guy. "But in return, you WILL cooperate, Schala!"
Hey, I like this guy's style, although I don't appreciate the competition for Shala's love. "Now, show me how you came here," said the strange cloaked guy, who was now talking to me.
Well, he should know better than me! I was unconscious when they brought us in here!
Lucca realized that he was talking about the time gate and he followed us to it.
"Hmmmm," said the strange cloaked guy, "so you came in through here. Now Schala! After I throw them in, I want you to seal the portal shut."
Arghhh, this could be troublesome. I knew I was really close to meeting up with Lavos in this time period and now I was in trouble just because of some competition for Schala.
"N, no," said Schala. "You can't make me!"
That's right, you tell him which man you want, Schala!
"Obey me," said the strange cloaked guy. "Their lives are at stake!"
What? When did this happen? I was pretty sure I could kick this little pansy's ass.
"I...oh, all right," said Schala.
Before I could move, the time gate opened and sucked us in. The last thing I heard was Schala saying, "please forgive me."
We tried to use the time gate again, but it had been sealed. Great, we're back at 65,000,000 BC and I'm no closer to getting free of these losers. Not to mention the fact that the only action I've gotten in the last few days was from Janus.
"The prophet could have just done away with us," said Lucca.
"The key to defeating Lavos must exist in that era," said Robo.
"The crest on those sealed doors," said Lucca. "We've seen it elsewhere, haven't we?"
If Lucca and Robo don't shut up, I'm going to vomit.
"We may yet find our way back to that era," said Lucca. "Let's get cracking, Crono!"
I hate you, Lucca.
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