Chapter Sixteen: DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY HAIR!

"It's been ages, sir Slush," said Frog.

I guess he considered that an insult to Slash.

"That's SLASH, you slimy dolt," said Slash. "Still playing the comedian, eh Glenn?"

If you can call that comedy. He changes one letter in your name and suddenly he's more of a comedian than a knight. I don't get it.

After we kicked Slash's ass for awhile he decided to get serious and he grabbed the sword behind him. I've never understood why some people do that. They're facing potential death and they go easy on the person trying to kill them. Maybe if he had used his special sword the whole time he would have had a chance against us. As it turned out, me, Frog and Robo managed to time our attacks all into one huge triple attack. Robo was ramming his head into Slash so hard that he shot up into the air.

"Unbelievable," said Slash. "But falling in the line of duty for Magus...leaves me with few regrets!"

Why is it unbelievable? You let us beat up on you and then you started taking us seriously. Your sword will make a wonderful new weapon for me to use. I just hope Magus doesn't get mad that I'm killing off his peons.

Just after we killed Slash that damn bat flew back down over my head. I tried swinging my sword at it, but it just persisted. We walked all the way back to the front of the castle and then took the right path.

At the very end we found a weird little floating guy.

"The magician, Flea, I presume," said Frog and we immediately began battling. Just one good hit and Flea went down. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

"Wait," said Frog. "That isn't Flea. Where's the REAL Flea?"

To my utter delight, that damn bat came forward and claimed to be Flea. Finally, I was going to get to kick its ass.

"Giving up, little tadpole," said Frog.

My mouth dropped open as the bat turned into a gorgeous hottie with red hair. I started to think that this would be the perfect time to turn on Frog and get in good with Magus, or at least get in good with Flea.

"Who is this fiend," said Robo.

"Keep your guard up," said Frog. "This is no ordinary woman! Meet Flea, the magician!"

I certainly did want to meet Flea the magician.

"What the," said Flea, "hey, I'm a guy." I puked on Robo and then pulled my sword out to make SURE Flea died if it was the last thing I ever did.

"But its exterior is that of a female," said Robo. "And thanks for puking on me, Crono."

Don't mention it, metalhead.

"Male...female......what's the difference," said Flea as he, she or it turned its ass towards us and began blowing kisses. "Power is beautiful, and I've got the power!"

If this freak didn't know the difference between male and female I would have to show him. Although, he sure did have a cute ass...............I mean, damnit, he, he's gonna die right now!

"Poor little Froggie," it said. "You must be lonely now that Cyrus is gone."

Obviously, due to the fact that instead of traveling with just Cyrus, he was now traveling with two people. I guess a lack of testosterone does that to a guy's brain power. Actually, maybe if we could avoid killing Flea, I could talk him into seducing Kino and then he'd forget about Ayla just long enough for me to move in.

Or, we could just kill the freak and be done with it. Flea was a push over. He shrieked like a little girl as we beat him to a pulp. I was very disappointed. Hopefully, Ozzie will be a challenge.

After a long walk and a bunch of monster fights we came upon Ozzie. He called for Slash and Flea, who were now in hell probably screwing each other. When they didn't appear he just ran away. We followed him into the next room where he had some traps for us. There were conveyor belts with axes that moved up and down along them. It's a good thing we brought Robo.

I pushed Robo onto the conveyor belt and the first axe came down on him. It was jammed, so Frog and I slid on through, pulling Robo by the leg to get him out from under the axe after we were safe. He wasn't moving anymore, but instead of healing him right away like we should have as his friend, we just carried him along and kept using him as a shield from the axes.

Ozzie got frustrated when we made it all the way to the end and he ran out the back of the room. Frog slurped Robo, which I found utterly disgusting. I could handle licking Marle or Lucca, but Robo? I don't think so.

"Thou tasteth like oil, my friend," said Frog. You're the one who likes to lick people, Frog, so don't blame them for how they taste. Gross. I think I want Marle and Lucca back..........nope, not just yet.

After walking up some stairs, we came to a hallway. Suddenly, the ground fell out from under us and we were in a basement of some sort. Another one of those weird sparkly transporters sent us back to the hallway we fell from. I knew there had to be more holes, so I pulled Frog aside and we let Robo go first. He found one and fell back into the basement. When he came back up I put my arm around Frog and smiled at him.

"Grrribbit, what is on your mind, Crono?" said Frog.

I transported Robo away and brought in Lucca. Frog smiled back at me and then he looked at Lucca and said, "we seem to have fallen for one of Ozzie's traps, kind lady. You must traverse the passageway to release us from his magic." Lucca nodded and began walking down the hallway. She walked around the holes that were already there, but sure enough, she opened up a new one a few steps past Robo's last hole.

When Lucca came back up from the basement she was rubbing her tushy and she looked at me and said, "I fell down a hole, geez. I'd bet there are more of them past the one I fell in..........and the two right before it........wait a minute, Crono-"

I zapped the little detective away and brought in Marle.

She smiled and said, "I knew you couldn't be happy without me around, Crono, hee hee!"

"Yes, kind lass," said Frog, "but it seems that we have fallen under one of Ozzie's spells and you must traverse the passageway to release us from it."

Marle just giggled and walked down the hallway. We waited, but we didn't hear anything.

"Rrrrgghh, impossible," said Ozzie. Marle came running back with a big smile on her face. Well, that backfired, but at least we won't be falling in any holes anymore. I ran towards Marle with my arms open and picked her up in my arms before kissing her on the cheek.

"Oh, Crono," said Marle. "I would do anything for you. I was happy to help. Sometimes you seem angry and you do mean things, but I can see deep into your eyes past all of that and even now being carried around by you, it doesn't surprise me at all just how romantic you can beeeeeaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiihhhhhhh!"

And you just got thrown into the basement. Now I feel better.

"Grrribbit, that was most hilarious, Crono," said Frog.

Frog turned to keep walking and I couldn't resist, so I booted him in the ass sending him into one of the open holes.

"Crono, thou art quite a bastard," said Frog as he fell. Frog and Marle rejoined me and Marle just pushed me playfully and gave me one of those looks a girl gives you when she knows you're mistreating her, but she's so blinded by love that she enjoys it. I zapped her away and brought in Robo again.

We continued to wade through groups and groups of Ozzie's monsters, but this wasn't even a challenge with two great swordsman and a walking tank. We kept killing and Ozzie kept running. We had a few chances to just grab him and beat him to death, but it was much more fun to just keep getting past his traps and his weak little servants.

We finally cornered him in a throne room.

"Thy time hath cometh," said Frog.

"Harharhar," said Ozzie. "I'm sure Magus has already called for reinforcements."

Ozzie encased himself in ice and for a split second I almost replaced Robo with Lucca. We tried hitting Ozzie, but it was no use. I decided to hit one of the chains on the side and a hole opened up near Frog.

Frog and Robo continued trying to hit Ozzie with no success, so I just kept hitting chain after chain opening holes in the room. I almost got Robo and the third one I hit opened a huge hole behind us. Then, I hit the fourth chain.

"Mwee, hee, hee," laughed Ozzie. "Eh?!"

For some unfathomable reason, Ozzie had created a trap door for the spot he was standing on. That had to be about the stupidest thing I've ever seen. He fell to his doom and all that we had left now was to find Magus.

We approached Magus's room and we could hear some strange chanting.

"Neuga, ziena, zieber, zom...."

It was about as creepy as I expected. Now it's time to talk to the leader of the mystics.

"Now the chosen time has come," said a strange voice from the back. "Exchange this world for..."

Blue lights were coming on all around us and I could finally see Magus. I got so scared that I started to run away, but Robo sat on my chest until I calmed down.

"Magus!" yelled Frog.

"I...it's that stupid frog," said Magus. "Kissed any princesses lately?!"

Hahahahahahahahaha! I like this Magus guy.

"I rather enjoy this form," said Frog. "And I oweth it all to you! I have something for you."

Don't believe him, Magus! He's just trying to act tough!

All of the sudden I could hear a voice in my head.

"Ah, Crono, I see you've come."

It was Magus. I looked at Robo and Frog, who each gave me an equally strange look in return. "They can't hear me, Crono. Only you can," said Magus. "I know why you've come."

Is he reading my thoughts?

"Yes, I'm reading your thoughts," said Magus.

Magus is a big butthead.

"Knock it off, stupid," said Magus.

Why am I here, then?

"You have been cursed by Lavos and you are in search of my help to find a cure," said Magus. "I have also fallen under the same spell. I've been stuck with Ozzie, Flea and Slash since before I went through puberty!"

Poor guy. That must be tough.

"You don't know the half of it," screamed Magus. "Do you know how hard it is to meet girls with those three always hanging around? Flea especially!"

Hey, don't worry, man. We just killed all three of those losers! You're free!

"Thanks for trying, Crono," said Magus, "but all three of them are alive and well. You just beat them to the point that they've retreated."

Man, I thought I had it bad. So how do we break Lavos's curse?

"I'm going to summon him here and all I have to do is get him to give me a good jolt to knock the curse out of me and it should free me from those three idiots, finally."

Great! When you do that, I'll get him to do me too and we'll both be cured!

"Wrong," said Magus. "I can only summon him long enough to get him to fix one of us before he'll realize it's a trick and go back to where he came from."

Well, Magus, we seem to have a problem then. I understand your problem, but I certainly can't miss this chance to cure my curse.

"Don't you even think that I would let you get in my way," screamed Magus. "I'm a 26-year old virgin! I can't do this anymore!"

Hey, buddy, calm down. I'm sure I could get Marle to go a round with you. And if she's not your type, I'm sure that with your long girlie bluish purple hair we could trick Lucca into a little romp in the sack with you. Wait a minute. Twenty-six years?

"DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY HAIR!" screamed Magus, who was on the verge of tears.

How about I just put it this way! You get Lavos up here and let me get rid of my curse or else me and my boys are gonna beat the snot out of you and hang you by your balls from the ceiling!

Frog's about ready to shove his sword straight up your ass and I don't like the tone you've been using...........in my head.

"Ah, the Masamune," said Magus as he began speaking out loud again. "The black wind begins to blow. Ok, give me your best shot. If you're ready for the void!"