Final Chapter: Lavos is a Fishman

Lavos had two little sidekicks with him. It's always best to take out the sidekicks before going after the big man in the middle, so both me and Robo started wailing on the one to the left. It took a few good hits and died off. It's a good thing, too, because it kept healing Lavos.

Magus wacked the right sidekick, but he couldn't do much damage at all. It was fully defended and any attempt to damage it seemed hopeless. Instead of wasting our energy on it, we focused on Lavos himself. Robo jumped in front of me and fired a barrage of his metal fists right into his crotch. Lavos doubled over in pain. Man, Robo, that was a cheap shot.

"Excuse moi, Meestare Robot," yelled Lavos, "but you are QUITE void of etiquette!"

Oh god. Lavos is French. Doesn't that just explain everything.

Magus looked at me and said, "now we have an even better reason to kill the bastard."

"Pardone me, sir Magoose, but you will find it extrameley hard to defeat moi," said Lavos.

He jumped up and down and started singing. This has to be the lamest attack I've ever seen. Well, next to the booby blast from the last guy we fought. Robo started laughing hysterically and I wasn't sure what to do. He attacked me and I ran to hide behind Magus.

"What did you do to him, Lavos?" yelled Magus.

"How DARE you ask such a question of me," yelled Lavos. "Your impudence is unbecoming of one so fair to the eyes."

Lavos grabbed Magus by the hand and was about to kiss him when he got a scythe to the side of the head.

"I'm a GUY," yelled Magus. "Why does everyone always think I'm a girl?!!!"

It's probably-

"SHUT THE HELL UP, CRONO!" screamed Magus.

Whatever, Flea.

"Ptooey, ptooey, zis is most dezgusting," said Lavos. "You weak little men and your toy robot will be dying so soon as to not be aware that death has come upon you once it has already come upon you, hee, hee, ha, yes, it iz true!"

We'll be dead before we know it? As a Frenchman would say it. What the hell have we gotten ourselves into? Robo punched me in the face again. Damnit, Robo! Knock it off.

We went back to casting spell after spell on Lavos. At one point the defense of the sidekick dropped and we managed to get through. Lavos called in a huge rock and slammed it on our heads a few times. It gave me a headache. Robo was back to normal, so he sprayed us with his Heal Beam as quickly as possible.

Lavos always seemed to have his lips puckered. It was pissing me off. I began slashing at him frantically and finally, with a mighty blow to the head, he died. I sheathed my sword triumphantly and turned to my friends.

"Watch your back, Crono," said Magus hesitantly. "The other sidekick is still there."

Hmph. One little, itty bitty tiny reminder of the once great Lavos. Maybe we could take him home and keep him as a pet? To my utter dismay, my potential pet rock reanimated both Lavos and the other one of his sidekicks. Now this really sucks.

Lavos raised his arm and a huge bolt of lightning struck me in the head. I collapsed in a heap on the ground. Before I lost consciousness I could see Lavos laughing at me. Luckily, I had friends to bring me back. Lavos growled at me, but no matter what he did, I wasn't going to fall again.

I quickly dispatched the weak little healer sidekick and then we went to work on the other two again. We were too fast for Lavos and he started stumbling around. Magus used his most powerful attacks and both Lavos and his remaining sidekick fell. It was finally over. The world and its history have been saved, thanks to me. Woah! What's going on?!

Everything started to shake and we were moving through time rapidly back and forth. I couldn't stop what was happening and I finally just passed out.

"Crono," said a voice. "Crono!........Crono!!!!!!"

What the hell do you want, mom! I'm trying to sleep....

Wait a minute. I opened my eyes and I was back in my room. A soldier from Guardia castle was standing over me.

"It's time to rise and shine," he said. "We have a little surprise for you."

Marle in her underwear?

"Your stay of execution has been cancelled. We must now carry out your sentence," said the soldier.

Even better.

The guard took me to the King and I was forced to kneel in front of him. I guess he's still mad about me and the sexual innuendos I made towards his daughter.

"We've been looking for you, Crono," said King Guardia. "Where did you take my daughter?"

My bedroom, you old fart! If you're going to execute me, get it over with! I hope your daughter's pregnant and my kid has a full head of red, spiky hair when it comes out!

Marle came running in and said, "Daddy, don't!"

Man, didn't they get this figured out just a day or two ago? Remember? The Queen's last words and all that crap!

"Crono hasn't done a thing," said Marle.

Except your daughter, heh, heh.

"She says Crono has been a perfect gentleman, but, what do you think Chancellor," asked the King.

If he turns in to Yakra I'm going to scream.

"Crono's deeds have had an enormous impact on the kindgom," said the Chancellor.

NOW what did I do?

"Chancellor, how could you," said Marle.

How could he what? That comment really doesn't mean that I've had a bad impact. It could be a compliment.

"Please," said Marle. "Just listen to me! We had to..."

"...save the future, right," said the King.

"Huh," said Marle in surprise.

Now, how the hell does he know about that. Wait a minute. THAT'S NOT KING GUARDIA!!!!!!!! I darted forward and slashed his throat. He flopped over on the ground in a heap. HA! Now all I need to do is find the treasure chest with the real King and.... I looked at Marle and the Chancellor, who had both fainted.

"You saved the future, and gave us hope," said Doan as he walked in from the back room.

Um, yeah, but shouldn't we, maybe find the real King Guardia, because I, uh.....

"You fought Magus's troops, and brought peace to the kingdom in the year 600," said King Guardia from the Middle Ages.

The King's dead body sorta stood out like a pile of horse crap in the living room, but none of them seemed to notice.

"Crono beat Reptites," said Kino as he came into the room.

Yes, that's true, I did do all of these things, but I think I may have made a bit of a mistake just now. Uh, could I get a little help here?

Marle managed to regain her composure and she stood back up.

"Wh, what's going on here," she said.

That damned Kino came in and called your Dad a reptite. Before I could stop him, um, well he just went crazy and......

Marle revived her father from his state of death. I just smiled at him uncomfortably as he rubbed his throat. Lucca came out from behind the throne and held up the Time Key. 

"Lucca," said Marle. "You brought them here, didn't you?" 

This just pisses me off. She can bring a bunch of idiots to Guardia Castle to surprise us, but when it was time to fight Lavos for some goddamn reason I could only bring two other people with me.

"Our kinsmen told me all about your incredible mission," said King Guardia.

"Kinsmen," said Marle in confusion. "You mean these're MY ancestors...and descendants?" 

Does it really surprise you that the royal family from 400 years ago is your ancestor?

"Here I was fussing about my kingdom, and my daughter, and you were saving past, present and future," said the King.

Yep, we sure were. Guardia kingdom will flourish for years to come thanks to me! Or..............it will get destroyed in a horrible war within the next ten years, hahahahahahahahaha, oh man, I sure know how to put a damper on things.

"Now for a true victory parade," said the King. "Tonight we celebrate...you!"

Wait a minute. This has to be some sort of a set-up. Just the other day he was ready to kill me and now Lucca has him ready to throw an I love Crono party? I'm a bit skeptical.

"Now Marle," said the King. "Go out and enjoy the last night of the fair!"

Marle jumped up and down like an idiot.

That night we had a moonlight parade. Not the kind we had with the Chancellor, but a real one. I walked around with Marle on my arm. She wouldn't stop smiling at me. Is this what being in love is like? This is awful. Waking up in the morning becomes meaningless once it happens and death is the only escape for a man in love. I looked at Marle and my stomach felt like it was loaded down with bricks. I should have just left things the way they were. The destruction caused by Lavos didn't even begin to compare to the pain of trying to please Marle for the rest of my life. It's time to fall on the Rainbow.

"YOU saved us all," said my Mom. "That's nice dear, but I wish you spent more time around the house. It's a real problem when the person in charge of the cat is gone."

Yep, I saved the world, but that's not good enough for my Mom. It's just a glimpse of what married life will be with Marle. Please end my life, God! If you're out there. Don't I deserve just one request after all I've done?

"Yum," said Taban. "Lemonade sure tastes great outdoors! Crono, have a sip! You're the hero today."

If it's poisoned, I'll down an entire bottle of the stuff.

"Honey, don't just be a sack of potatoes," said Lara. "Dance with me!"

Taban ignored his wife and I remembered something that I had forgotten. Even though I'm supposed to be in love with Marle now........I can still treat her like crap!!!!!!! What the hell was I thinking? I pushed Marle on the ground and poured lemonade on her head. Thanks for bringing me back down to earth, Taban.

"Crono," said Lara, "the King says YOU saved the future! Wait 'till I tell my friends!"

This King of ours sure gets around. He seems to talk to the peasants like they're important or something.

I walked over to Melchior and he was staring at the ground. "The turd in the attic can swim like a fish, but don't let it down or you won't get your wish," said Melchior.

I looked at Marle, not sure what to say.

"The turd in the attic can swim like a fish, but don't let it down or you won't get your wish" said Melchior.

Poor old guy. He's finally gone senile.

"The turd in the attic can swim like a fish, but don't-"

"Mr. Melchior," said Marle.

"Oh, hello there, young ones," said Melchior. "I didn't see you there, ha ha ha! Not much business in weapons anymore. But I like it that way."

Melchior turned away from us and sat down on the ground. He was staring at the ground almost as if he was looking through it.

"The turd in the attic can swim like a fish, but don't let it down or you won't get your wish," said Melchior.

Oh, yeah. He's gone. I looked at Marle and she just giggled. I think we'll leave him alone for now.

I walked over to a guy that was standing behind the wall watching us in the center.

"The princess is gorgeous," he said. "Don't get me wrong, of course you are too."

Uh, thanks.....I think. I left the group of strange people behind and we went to the back part of the fair where this whole mess began.

The seven in our group had now gathered and it was time to say goodbye.

"Well everyone, this is it," said Lucca.

Yeah, because we can't just get in the Epoch and come visit you.

"Each to thine time," said Frog.

"The Gate has grown weak," said Robo.

"We've got to say our goodbyes before the Gate closes," said Lucca.

Why? We have the Epoch, don't we? And why the hell does everyone want to go to the Middle Ages, anyway? It's not like they'll be able to get anywhere, anyway. We only have one Gate Key. This is stupid.

"You're all leaving," said Marle.

"Crono was strong," said Ayla. "Marle too! Ayla have fun!!"

Ayla jiggled and I started to tear up.

"You're my distant ancestor," said Marle. "So you'd better have tough kids or I'll be in trouble!"

"Heh, heh. No worry," said Kino. "Ayla VERY strong!"

"Right," said Marle. "Hey...what do you mean by that?"

He means that she's a handful in the sack. That's the last thing you say to a feminist. Get ready to be pounded, Kino!

"Kino dummy," said Ayla. "We go now!"

Ayla threw Kino into the Gate and blew a few kisses at me. What? She was supposed to beat the snot out of him. Ah, I get it. She's in love with Kino. He can treat her however he wants. Lucky bastard. I hope they figure out that they're in the Middle Ages and how the hell did they use the Gate without a Gate Key?

"'Tis a feisty crowd," said Frog. "But they are thy kin, and 'tis of consequence. Queen Leene awaits. Your Majesty, we too shall take our leave."

The King walked into the Gate, clearly without a Gate Key. I don't get it. It's like everything we were told earlier was a lie.

"Mr. Frog," said Marle.

"Long farewells ne'er were necessary," said Frog.

"Right, besides, actions speak louder than words," said Marle. 

Marle kissed Frog and he jumped back almost in pain. 

"Yeah. Don't these things end with the princess kissing the frog?" 

Frog gave Lucca a slurp goodbye and then he turned to enter the Gate.

Magus walked forward and stood in front of the Gate.

"So, you're going to search for Schala," said Marle.

Magus jumped backwards and Marle's pants fell down.

"Oh, no," said Marle. "Lavos must still be alive!"

Doan walked in and Robo walked over to Lucca.

"Lucca, I will miss you," said Robo.

"What's wrong Lucca," said Marle. "Aren't you going to say goodbye to Robo?"

"She knows," said Robo.

She knows..............that there never was an Entity and you just made it all up, because you were bored waiting several centuries for us?

"Knows...what," asked Marle.

"Robo was born in a bleak future," said Lucca. "When we defeated Lavos, we changed history. Robo...may not exist in the future."

He seems fine to me. What's going to happen? He'll just disappear?

"Ha ha," laughed Robo. "Please relax. The new future has a place for me!"

Lucca ran over and started beating Robo in the face.

"Darn it, Robo," she yelled. "Don't pretend you don't care when you're really sad! It just makes things worse!"

Then Lucca got down on her knees and started doing something unspeakable.

"Lucca," said Robo, "YOU have taught me these emotions. Thank you."

"Tears don't become you, Lucca," said Marle. "Robo'll be there in the new future!"

Doan got tired of waiting around and he walked into the Gate.

"Good....bye," said Robo. "Caution! Oil has washed over my sight sensors. Sight diminished."

Robo turned and walked into the Gate. It was quite dramatic.

"Do you remember that talk we had," asked Lucca.

About how you like girls and think boys are gross? Yeah, but this really isn't the time to bring that up, Lucca.

"You mean about whether our lives flash by before we die," said Marle.

"Yeah," said Lucca. "I get the feeling that the "Entity" is finally at rest."

Aha! So Lavos is put to rest and that makes him the entity.

No, wait! Robo goes into the Gate, potentially eradicating his existence and you suddenly get the feeling that the Entity is at rest! Robo is the damn Entity? How the hell did that happen? He's a stinkin' robot! I put my hand on Marle's ass and started fondling her.

"Yes, I feel that, too," said Marle. "Time travel...how exhausting!"

Heh, heh. You want to feel what it's really like to be exhausted, let's ditch the freak in the glasses and go back to my place.

"We should dismantle the Epoch," said Lucca. "It's job is finished."

Why the hell should we do that? Once you've made popcorn you don't trash the microwave! What if we need it for something later on?

My cat ran in from behind us and my Mom was following it.

"You naughty thing, come back here," she yelled.

Make sure not to jump into the gigantic swirling blue vortex, Mom.

"Look Crono," said my Mom. "Your cat's running away because you haven't been feeding it!"

The cat jumped into the Gate, I guess because it thought it saw some food.

"Hey, come back here," said my Mom as she followed the cat.

Don't say I didn't warn you. Man, you'd think this was something she could have figured out on her own. I don't mess with power tools that I don't know how to work, but she runs head first into a time Gate like it's an amusement park.

I tried to catch her, but just then the gate closed on us. Robo sure has a bad sense of humor for being the Entity. 

"Oh great," said Marle. "Crono, that Gate will never open again!" 

How the hell do you know that? When did you become some kind of time travel guru?

"Well it looks like we have no choice but to go after them," said Marle.

Or we could just let them die. Who's with me?

"Go after them," said Lucca. "But the Gate's..."

Amazing. She knows enough about time travel to create the time key, but she's already forgotten about the time machine we were discussing less than a minute ago.

"Lucca, don't turn off your brain, yet," said Marle.

Well if that isn't the pot calling the nicotine addictive.

"I forgot," said Lucca. "We have a time machine! Nya ha ha!"

Oh, don't be sad for me. I mean my mom has just been stranded somewhere in time. No big thing. Hey, how about we laugh about it?

"Oh, princess, the King asks for your presence," said a Guardia soldier who had just walked onto the scene.

We walked back to the middle of the fair and found the King.

"I'm so happy," said King Guardia. "Now there's no reason for you to go away anymore. I have a gift for you, to commemorate this day, Princess Nadia."

The King walked over and got something. It was a huge bell with balloons on it.

"This is Nadia's bell," said the King. "It will ring out across the land."

The king rang the bell and the sound was so hideous that I pitied anyone who lived across the land. If they don't get rid of that thing, one of the neighboring countries will destroy Guardia just to make it stop ringing.

We ran off while the King had his back to us.

"Marle," said the King, "where did you go? Could someone please lend me a hand?"

"Daddy," said Marle, "I hate to say this but....I can't sit around doing nothing!"

Yep, she has to lie on her back doing everything.

As we flew away in the Epoch we could see fireworks being fired. We flew all over the planet in every era searching for my mom. I hope she's ok.

In 2300 AD we saw Robo making out with his pink robot girlfriend. It looks like everything has worked out alright.

Kino and Ayla were flying on Dactyls having a good time back in 65 million BC.

Frog was leading the King and Queen across Zenan Bridge in the Middle Ages. I hope he's not going to show them his place. It was pretty sad even for a human being with a frog curse.

Magus was floating high up in the sky in..........uh.......to be honest, I don't know what time period we're in right now. I let Lucca handle those things. I've got more important things to handle. To the backseat, princess!

Don't worry Magus! I'm sure your sister will turn up someday! Although, she might have blond hair, booty shorts, weird things on her face and she'll talk like the Crocodile Hunter making any attraction to her completely impossible to the point that she makes a big fat pink dog with two tails preferable to spend time with. But what do I know?

The End