Chapter Twenty-Nine: The Geologically Impossible Cave

Back at the end of time I gave Lucca the option of which problem we fix next and she started talking about using solar energy and some weird place in the future that would help us beat Lavos.

I dropped Marle from the group and brought Lucca. We went to the future and flew over to the tiny island Lucca told us about. We walked into a place called the Sun Palace.

There were these four statues on a platform sitting on top of a bunch of lava. I touched a shiny dot in the back and a huge floating eyeball came out and started attacking us.

"I had a feeling this was going to happen," said Magus.

I looked at Lucca and then we both stared at Magus.

"What?" said Magus and we started to fight the eyeball.

I swung at the eyeball, who was surrounded by 5 floating flames and I missed. Every time one of us attacked it, we would miss and then it would attack us with a powerful flame attack.

I decided to just attack one of the five flames and strangely enough, it did damage to the eye. Lucca attacked another one, but it didn't do any damage to the eye at all and it shot some fire at her.

"Aha," yelled Lucca. "That's how we damage it! We have to attack the same one that Crono attacked. It's a trick, but not one that's too much for the brilliance of Lucca!"

As she finished her sentence the fireballs began spinning around in circles and mixing together, before they stopped again.

"OK, smarty pants," said Magus. "Which one is the right flame?"

Lucca scowled at Magus and we started narrowing down the flames again. Over and over again we would figure out which one was the correct flame and just before we could start wailing on it, the damn thing would spin around in circles on us.

After a long, arduous battle, the flames all went out and the floating eyeball retreated into the back. We followed it back there and found a stone on the ground.

"This is the ancient Sun Stone," said Lucca. "It doesn't seem to have an ounce of energy left in it. We could probably recharge it with sunlight, but that would take aeons.  We need to find a place to leave it in the sun for a long period of time."

We picked up the Moon Stone and jumped into the Epoch, but seriously, what are the chances that we can find a place to leave the stone where it would remain undisturbed for a long period of time?  That shit would only work in a movie or a video game where the audience isn't too bright.

Back in Ayla's time period we found a cave with a hole in it on a Northeastern island, almost like it was purposefully made for just such a situation.

"It's never dark in here," said Lucca.

Now how the hell does she know that?

"Well, back to the Epoch," said Lucca.

We went back to the future to see if the Moon Stone had charged itself into a Sun Stone. The little cave on the Northeastern island had survived the Ice Age and all the changes that seemed to effect the rest of the planet to the point of rearranging the land masses. It was in the exact same shape in 2300 AD as it was 65 million years ago. Wow.  That goes against just about everything any logical person who understands geology would expect to happen.  I'm surprised no geologists stumbled upon this cave due to these amazing properties it has.  When you think of it that way I'd be surprised if they hadn't come here to check the place out and then found the-

"It's gone," yelled Lucca.

She obviously wasn't talking about Magus's virginity.

"Hey," yelled Magus.

"The Moon Stone is gone," said Lucca.

Oh, that old thing.  I think we should lure Lavos into this cave and trap him somehow.  Perhaps it could serve as an indestructable prison.

"It looks like it's been gone for ages. Let's try another time period," said Lucca.

It's a good thing she mentioned it. I was going to look for it in this time period, because I'm a dumbass.  Lead on lesbian leader.

We checked 12,000 BC first and it was still there. I figured one of those know-it-all Gurus would have done something to screw things up, but I was wrong. Must not be into geology. 

In 600 AD it was still there as well, but oddly enough there was one of those weird little magical tabs. I don't even want to speculate on how it got there.

Finally, we came to the present, where we found that the Moon Stone was missing.

"It isn't here, either," said Lucca. "I wonder if someone from this time period has taken it?"

"No, I think someone from a later time period took it," said Magus.

You must be braindead or something Magus. If someone from a later period took it, then it would still be here!..........Sometimes it takes me a few seconds to pick up on sarcasm. Hey, why don't we just go back to 600 AD and take the Moon Stone from there. Then, we can put it next to itself back in 65 million BC. No one will bother it and then we can just pick it up in 12,000 BC where it's sure to be fully charged..................nah, that would be too easy.

We had no idea where to look, so we flew around the planet trying to brainstorm. Suddenly, I noticed that the Mayor's house in Porre was sparkling. Hmmmmmm, I'd bet that's the sign of a certain magical stone. Hopefully, he'll be willing to give it back to us. As I recall, he's so rich that he doesn't need any extra money. He gave me money just to act like a chicken the last time I was there.

When we entered his house, he just acted like he had never heard of anything called a Moon Stone. Lucca wanted to beat it out of him, but I'm a little bit craftier than she is. This was going to take some careful planning. Maybe if we do something to his ancestors, he'll be less greedy.  Traveling through time and manipulating history is much preferable to using our powerful weapons and magic against a greedy old man and his children who hate him.  Hell, his teenage daughter hates him.  Why not just ask her to steal it for us? 

NO!  This can only be done in the most complicated and time-consuming manner.  It's a matter of principle.

Back at the Elder's house in 600 AD, we talked to his great great, etc grandmother and all she would talk about is needing Jerky to make a meal. Damnit! Why did that stupid Knight Captain have to go and eat all of it. Well, I think they sell Jerky in my time period. We can just go there and buy some.  They don't sell jerky in 600 AD.  Although, how the hell do I know this is going to work? Jerky is pretty damned expensive and I'm taking quite a risk with this one. It's a long shot.  Well, like I said, it's about having principles.

We decided to give it a try and went to 1000 AD to buy the Jerky. It was 9900 bucks. What a rip-off! If this doesn't work, I'm going to be pretty pissed. We went back to the Mayor's house and gave him the Jerky. "Why the hell would I want any Jerky, you freaky, red-headed turdbrain," yelled the Mayor.

Crap! I wasted 9900 bucks and it didn't even work!

"Pssst, Crono," said Lucca. "For your extremely ludicrous plan to work in the first place, don't we have to give the Jerky to his ancestor and then hope that there is enough protein in it to turn her children into magnanimous individuals?"

Oh.......I knew that. I was, just kidding around. I wanted to piss this guy off one last time before my masterful plan turns him into a benevolent ruler. Magus sneered at me and he walked over to hit on the Mayor's blond teenage daughter.

Just as me and Lucca were getting back into the Epoch, Magus came running out of the Mayor's house being chased by guards. He hopped in and we were back in 600 AD before they could catch us. When we entered the Elder's house, his wife offered to buy the Jerky from us for more than we had payed for it. Seeing my plan fall right into place, I just gave it to her for free.

"You're giving it away," she said in surprise. "I thought there were no kind people left in this world! You can bet MY children are going to learn the value of sharing!"
BINGO!  Hey, compared to the indestructable cave that hardly anyone throughout history has noticed, this is a completely reasonable outcome.