Chapter Thirty-Five: Queen Milf Goes Down

We jumped right up into the Queen's face swinging our weapons and casting magic, but I must say that the battle didn't start out very well. She knocked all three of us down to the brink of death. Luckily, Marle went to work fixing us back up, while Magus and I just kept whittling away at her strength.

"Argh," said Queen Milf, "my powers don't seem to work here!"

They've been working for over 10 thousand years and now suddenly they've stopped working? What you meant to say was, Crono just kicked my fine ass.

"One minute I have bad breath and sagging breasts and the next I have a fine ass," said the Queen.  "You're confusing me Crono."

Best way to beat a woman at any contest is to get her focused on her looks.  She'll go down easy with a few head games.

Wait," said the Queen, "I'll simply toss you into the Mammon Machine!"

Feminist.

"You'll be one with the Omen, Lavos...and me," said the Queen.

Oh, now I get it. I read you Queenie. How's about we just ditch these two bozos and sneak off behind the Mammon Machine for a little get-to-know-one-another session.

"Damnit, Crono," yelled Magus. "Will you stop hitting on my Mom? We're trying to save the world here and all you can think about is sex! We have to defeat her or else it's all over! I'm prepared to kill her if that's what it takes, but you're not taking our situation seriously enough! There will be plenty of time for that other stuff afterwards!"

Wait a minute, Magus. So, you're saying I should sleep with your mom AFTER we kill her? Now that's just sick. And you think I'm the one with problems.

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, CRONO," screamed Magus and then he just threw his scythe up in the air and sat down in disgust.

"You still haven't given up, but no matter," said the Queen as she restored the Mammon Machine.

I got on my feet at the realization that it was time to fight for my survival again.  I looked around for a spare Ruby Knife, but there was nothing. It looks like we were going to have to do it the old-fashioned way. Which is......um, with swords and spells and stuff.  EAT MY RAINBOW!

The old-fashioned way turned out to be using nothing but magic. After numerous deadly spells from both me and Magus, the Mammon Machine released a powerful collection of energy, almost finishing us, but we somehow managed to survive it and finish off the Mammon Machine. I survived by feeding off of my enormous sex drive. Magus survived by feeding off of his anger and Marle survived because she was too stupid to know that she was supposed to be dead.

"You cretins," said Queen Milf as we stood atop the Black Omen. "I plan to live with Lavos, and control the universe forever," said the Queen. "You will not get in my way!"

"Idiots," said Magus. "Nothing can live forever. Zeal...a pitiful woman, duped by Lavos! I, myself, will bring an end to all of this!"

"Prophet," said the Queen, "you are doomed. I haven't forgotten what you did at the Ocean Palace. You will now forfeit your life."

Magus, I may want to get with your mommy, but she's just annoying me now. Let's kill her and get this over with.

"Why do you keep calling me the prophet's mother? I'm your mother?" said the Queen as she started to put two and two together. "Now I get it. So that's what happened to you, Schala. That explains how you knew so many things about the events leading up to the rise of the Black Omen. Even though you hate me, I still care about you. I've always loved your pretty hair. You grew into such a beautiful woman and your resolve has brought you to me once again. Although......you must realize that you cannot stop me."

Marle started giggling and I laughed so hard that I shot a glob of snot out of my nose.

"I'm not your daughter, I'm your s........your executioner," said Magus.

He was getting rather agitated. I was rolling around on the floor with Marle laughing at Magus.

"What is wrong with your friends, Schala?" said Queen Milf. Magus looked at us and said, "I'm still trying to figure that out. I sure miss Alfador."

"Your powers are great, but I will NOT be defeated," said the Queen. "Schala, your magic is strong enough to block my telepathy, but not strong enough to stop me. This man you have brought, though his magic is too weak to block my powers, his strength is immense and also you have this other powerful witch with you. I have just realized that I am incapable of reading her mind as well. Her magic must be equally as powerful as yours, Schala."

Magus and I looked at each other, not quite understanding why the Queen couldn't read Marle's mind. Then it dawned on me. You can't read a blank page. Poor Marle. Maybe I should take care of her better. Well, once this is all over.

The Queen disappeared and turned into a huge face and a pair of hands. What the hell is going on here? I slashed at the Queen's big fat face and she gave me a frown. Anytime we attacked her hands it spelled disaster, so we learned to avoid it.

"Did you see that Crono," said Marle. "She just flipped me off!  BITCH!"

Would you shut up, please? For the love of God! I'm trying to concentrate, woman!

We finally knocked the floating pair of hands and the head into oblivion and there was the Queen standing before us again. She's still not dead. God damnit. I quit. She's never going to die. What is this like the Fiftieth time we've beaten her?

"You smelly old woman," screamed Marle. "Nobody gives me the finger, NOBODY!"

Ahem, Marle, I seem to recall not so long ago when you not only allowed me to, but you encouraged- Marle whacked me over the head with her crossbow. Damn, that really hurt. How did she know what I was thinking?

"How dare you insects come after me," said Queen Milf. "Oh, almighty Lavos, lend me your power!"

The Black Omen began to shudder and I got back on my feet. Marle pretended like she was going to hit me again, so I backed away from her. Then she just giggled.

"Mwa, ha, ha," laughed the Queen. "At last, Lavos awakens!"

Huh? Shows how much you know, Queenie! Wasn't it just a few hours ago when you swore up and down that he would awaken in 999 years?

"Compared with him, you are like germs," said the Queen. "But, I...I shall obtain immortality!"

What? Really? You don't say? This is the first time you've mentioned it. Now isn't that nice. I could have done without the germ comment, though.

The Queen faded away into nothingness and I couldn't tell where we were anymore. I could see Lavos rising out of the ocean and the next thing I knew, we were face to face with the big badass himself. I guess this is it.

"It's time to finish off the bad guy," screamed Marle. Um, I don't think so. I sent Marle back to the end of time and brought in Robo. If it's time to fight Lavos, I want somebody who can kick ass, not some little princess.

"Good to see you, Crono," said Robo. "If you've brought me along, it must be time to kick ass."

Let's go boys. We moved toward Lavos to begin this epic battle. It only lasted one Shock spell from Robo and a slash of my powerful Rainbow blade. So, that's all Lavos was cracked up to be. I'm glad it's over, but I can't say I wasn't disappointed in you, Lavos.

"Um, Crono," said Magus. "Lavos is still alive. He was just mimicking an enemy from your past and he's getting ready to attack us again."

Lavos kept changing to mimic a former enemy of ours over and over. We just kept fighting through them all. At one point, I think we were fighting the Lavos version of Magus. It's a good thing we brought Magus along. He knew just what to do.

Finally, after using the brilliant strategy of fighting us with enemies we've already beaten before, back when we were weaker, Lavos decided to use the strategy he had used when he managed to knock me on my ass. Fighting us normally.

He let loose his death ray down on top of us. Last time, I found myself on the ground picking up all of my teeth, but this time we were ready. This time, he only knocked out most of my teeth. Robo fixed us up as quickly as he could and I worked furiously at destroying Lavos. With a powerful slash from my sword, Lavos squealed in pain and his head ripped off. Yeah. I think he's dead and it's a good thing, because I'm exhausted.

"It's over?" asked Magus.

Yep, it's over, buddy. Crono is king and a random woman depending on my preference at the moment is queen.

"I sense a powerful life force within Lavos," said Robo.

I hate you Robo.

"We'll get to the bottom of this, Lavos," said Magus and we walked into the hole where Lavos used to have a head.

Inside, it looked like some sort of a cave. Great, just great.

"According to my sensors, we are close to the center," said Robo.

Screw your sensors! This sucks!

"No turning back now," said Magus.

We walked on and came to a clearing. Inside, we found our man.

"Finally," said Magus. "You have met your match, Lavos!"

Yeah, unless he turns out to be another cave with another bad guy inside, who turns out to be a cave with another bad guy inside, who turns out to be another cave with another bad guy inside, who turns out to be, etc.

"Crono," said Magus. "I have a pretty good feeling that this is the core of Lavos."

"Amazing," said Robo. "It houses all the DNA of every creature that ever lived...!"

There we were face-to-face with a three-eyed, four-armed, no-legged beast and he was motioning for us to bring it. I stepped forward and raised my rainbow. You, Lavos, are about to get served! Magus slapped me in the back of the head.

Before Magus could lecture me on the use of god-awfully stupid slang in crisis situations, Lavos let loose a powerful laser beam of death and my heart shot up into my throat and back down into my ass, before it rebounded and found it's way back to my chest.

"Did he just shoot us with his nipples," said Magus. "HOW LAME IS THAT, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Robo healed us and we all had a good laugh at Lavos, whose most powerful attack was a booby ray. This is the guy who's destroying our planet? Let's get Ayla in here to give Lavos a new name. We'll change his name from Firebig to Nipples. Or how about the Booby Blaster! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Your life is about to end, Nipplevos!

All three of us began to attack with reckless abandon. Nipplevos was no match for us and soon enough, his arms had been destroyed and we were staring him straight in the eyes.

"Don't get cocky, Crono," said Magus. "Those boobs of his are still in working order, hahahahahahahahaha!"

I tried to control myself as we still needed to finish him off.

Robo fired a barrage of punches at Lavos as I slashed at him with my rainbow sword. Lavos began to groan in pain and he disintegrated away. Finally! We've beaten Lavos once and for all! Now let's get out of here and go home. I'm gonna take a bath, have sex with Marle and get some shuteye. Robo tapped me on the shoulder and pointed at what was left behind after Lavos disintegrated.

"This was Lavos' goal," said Robo.

His goal was to be a funny looking fishman in a space suit? He really needs to set higher goals.

"Using the DNA of every organism," said Robo, "And achieving the ultimate in evolution!"

THAT'S the ultimate in evolution? A big friggin' fishman with 3 fingers and toes on each hand and foot? Yeah, right! I'm the ultimate in evolution! Forget this Lavos freak! I say we kill him and............then fight whatever is inside of him.  Jesus Christ this is never going to end. Even if we keep killing off the shells, there's always gonna be something on the inside.

Best-case-scenario, the part of Lavos that is too small to be seen with the human eye will infect our entire race and kill us off like a virus.

"Attack value is...off the scale," said Robo. "It's shorting out my sensors!"

Whose attack value? His or mine?

"We were created only to be harvested," said Magus. "All people and all living things?"

I aimed my rainbow at Lavos and prepared to continue fighting.

"Human hands created me," said Robo, "which means I am a product of that thing...I am no different than Lucca and the others."

Yep, you keep telling yourself that, Robo. Whatever form of denial gets you through the day.

"I am part of all living things," yelled Robo.

Lavos just stared at us while we were being dramatic. I'm not sure he speaks our language. Ultimate in evolution my ass.

"It's over for you," said Magus. "Your life ends here!"

Magus was looking at Robo, but I think he was talking to Lavos. Well, whatever. Let's fight, Lavos.