The Old Man was still recovering from his heart attack, so we just decided to hit his list one by one.
"Ozzie had a hideout much like my castle," said Magus.
He obviously wanted to put an end to the lives of the three freaks that he had been stuck with before and since the old man had told us that it was one of the ways to make the world a better place overall, we decided to go there next. Frog was feeling like a rest after his great accomplishment and since both me and Magus wanted to bring her along, we brought Ayla instead.
We walked into the entrance to Ozzie's hideout and there he was waiting for us.
"Come on in," said Ozzie. "This is the Great Ozzie's Place!.........What the? Whoa!! You...you're the great Magus!"
I'd call him the slightly above average Magus. Magus looked at me angrily and then he pointed at Ayla. What I meant to think was, I'd call him the superbly great and wonderfully perverted Magus. Magus smiled and looked back towards Ozzie.
"You're doing well, Ozzie," said Magus.
"The nerve," yelled Ozzie. "Deserting your fellow Mystics to serve these humans! You're a traitor! You're not our King! Why did you desert us?"
Right on cue, Ayla's top fell off onto the ground.
"That's a damned good reson," said Ozzie and then he retreated through a back door.
We charged into the next room and when he noticed us following him Ozzie said, "You pesky, low-down, good-for-nothings, ooh, I'll have you begging for mercy! Flea!"
Flea transported into the room. MERCY!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MERCY!!! NO MORE! YOU WIN, OZZIE!
"You sent for me," said Flea. "Well, if it isn't Sir Magus. Who'd you bribe to get in here? Traitors like you deserve a beating. Oh great Ozzie, stand back, and let ME take care of these cretins."
"I'm counting on you, Flea," said Ozzie.
"Get ready for a SLAPPING good time," said Flea. "Get it?!"
"Ayla is going to beat up scary woman," said Ayla.
"Um, Ayla," said Magus, "Flea is a man."
Ayla's eyes opened wide and she looked at Flea in disbelief.
"Hmmmmm, Ayla have cousin like this back home," said Ayla. "We feed him to Dactyls."
We proceeded to beat the crap out of Flea, partly out of principle and partly as a way to get to Ozzie.
"Oh, just you wait," said Flea. "We'll teach you a lesson."
A lesson on how to be a fairy.
In the next room Ozzie had a few traps and some of his minions to face us, but he got them mixed up and his minions ended up falling into his traps. Without Magus the Mystics were hopeless.
In the next room we found Ozzie again.
"You still haven't given up?" said Ozzie. "Well how about a good thrashing."
If Ozzie thinks that winning battles without even having a fight is a way to discourage us, he's really in for some bad news.
"Slash," yelled Ozzie.
"Yooouuu rang," said that weird, cancer patient turned swordsman named Slash as he appeared in the center of the room.
"Slash, don't let me down," said Ozzie.
"At first I really didn't want to slice and dice ya, but now it sounds kind of fun!"
Once again, Ozzie felt it was best to send one of his people up against all three of us. If he doesn't learn to attack in numbers he'll never win. Actually, he'd probably still lose, but it's the right way to lose.
Slash was even less effort than Flea, but he retreated just as quickly. When we finally made our way to the back end of Ozzie's hideout we found him standing there with Flea and Slash, finally learning to fight us on even terms.
"Heh heh. Not so fast, friends," said Ozzie. "I'm not going to make it that easy for you."
Ozzie, Flea, and Slash started bragging about their powerful new items and how they were invincible. I didn't buy into it. We started fighting and Slash got me pretty good on the left arm. I backed off and looked at Ayla for a kiss.
"Crono not worry," said Ayla. "I get the cancerman's sword away from him!"
Ayla ran over and stole Slash's sword making him mostly useless. I was still waiting for my kiss.
"No, not my sword," said Slash. "I'm worthless without it! Give it back!"
Ayla was looking at Flea skeptically and she said, "Ayla want to know once and for all if this man or woman!"
Ayla ran over and stole Flea's vest. Sure enough, there were no boobs. Flea was a man and while he was the hottest man I've ever seen, he's still a man and men like him need to die.
"Eeek," screamed Flea. "How dare you remove my clothing! Someone as beautiful as I am doesn't deserve such treatment!"
I ran over to Flea and began swinging my sword like mad at him on all sides. Now that's the kinds of treatment someone as beautiful as Flea deserves.
"Hey, Ayla," said Magus. "I've always wanted to know whether Ozzie was a guy or a girl. You can't really tell. He has those big manboobs, but then again, they could be real ones. There's only one way to know for sure."
Ozzie backed away.
"Hey," said Ozzie. "I'm a guy! There's no confusion here! Would they let a woman lead the Mystics? Such enlightened thought won't be around for at least a few centuries."
Ayla ran up and stole Ozzie's pants and there before our eyes was the truth about Ozzie. What should be there was not there and instead..................what shouldn't be there, was.
"I always knew you were a wench," said Magus.
Flea looked over at Ozzie and said, "really now, Miss Ozzie. Posing as a man when you're actually a woman. That's just sick."
"I'm outta here," said Slash. "Can I join your team Magus? I can't put up with these cross-dressers anymore! I want to work with someone whose sex is obvious like..................well, that blond girl. Now that I think about it you could use a haircut, Magus."
Instead of letting Slash join our team we decided it would be best to just beat the crap out of all three of them.
When it was over, Ozzie acted surprised and said, "What in the...." before retreating once again. In the next room we found Ozzie all alone and crying.
"Magus," yelled Ozzie. "You lied when you said you wanted to create a world of evil! You used me!"
Now the way Ozzie talks finally makes sense. He's actually a she, so she must obviously be in love with Magus and as for using her, well, that's sorta what guys do to women they hate. As if there's a guy out there who would say to himself, um, I don't care about her feelings and I really hate being around her, but I think it's best to treat her well. You're deluded, MISS Ozzie.
"Oh, how dreadful," said Magus. "Say, can you hear that? It's the sound of the Reaper."
"I can't lose," yelled Ozzie. "What would become of my Mystics? I MUST win!"
Just another woman that needs to be put out of her misery. Ozzie encased herself in ice, much like she had done before, although it also looked amazingly similar to Melchior, so I still think there's a connection. We knew better than to attack Ozzie, so much like before, we went after the switches. The first one we hit dropped us back into the previous room. I had experience with these types of situations, so I knew what to do.
I sent Ayla back to the end of time and called in ol' reliable Marle. Magus seemed to understand, so when we got back into the room with Ozzie, the two of us stood up against the wall and we had Marle get ready to fire at the next switch. Before she could act a little cat came in and pushed one of the switches.
"N...no," screamed Ozzie, "not THAT switch!"
Ozzie fell down into a hole and we heard a loud crash. Why did Ozzie put a switch in place that would open up a trap door underneath the block of ice she encased herself in?
"The past is dead," said Magus. "It was all just a dream..."
I had no idea what he was talking about, but I hurried to the room that Ozzie should have fallen into just like we did a second ago. She was nowhere to be found. I guess we won't ever see Ozzie again.
We jumped into the Epoch and went forward to the present. Instead of Ozzie's idiotic shemale descendants ruling the Mystics an imp was in charge and Ozzie VIII was cleaning the kitchen. There was actually a human named Bandeau, who looked remarkably similar to Lucca's dad discussing plans to build a ferry between Truce and Medina.
"I can see that our work is actually making the world a better place," said Magus. "You've seen what kind of friends I had to live with most of my life, Crono, so I can honestly say that you're the best friend I've ever had."
Even better than Alfador?
Magus nodded and he put his arm around me in the manly sort of headlock kinda way that guys use to show affection and Marle's pants fell down around her ankles. At least Slash knew he was a man and looked like a man. Ozzie, Flea, and Magus make the Mystics look very confused about sexual roles.
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