I held my tongue and we went back to the end of time. Marle and Magus can have each other for all I care. I kicked them both out of my group and decided to hang out with Robo and Frog. I don't need to deal with women or smart ass magicians anytime soon. Let's go talk to the old man and see what's left. Surely he's conscious by now.
When we found the old man he was still passed out, but he was breathing. Ayla was standing over him crying.
"Ayla tits," said Ayla. "Ayla tits kill old man?"
I'm not sure, Ayla. They might have been the cause. I'll have to do an extensive study of them in order to-
"Crono be goofy," said Ayla as she knocked me on the head. "Crono try make Ayla laugh? Crono keep tongue to self. No rip off Ayla shirt. That bad."
Crono big boner.
"Excuse me, but I believe I remember the next thing the old man mentioned before his heart attack from breast exposure," said Lucca. "In the middle ages, a woman's sheer determination brings a forest back to life."
Well, in that case she doesn't need us, right? Perhaps he meant, if we go help her out the forest will come back to life.
Back in the Middle Ages we found this blond living in a desert with a couple trees around it. I think she's pretty much out of luck.
"My husband Marco is finally home," said the blond. "I...I'm so relieved."
"Damnit, Fiona," screamed Marco. "Did you just piss all over the floor again?"
It looks like this Fiona woman was a tad on the strange side. I couldn't imagine her sheer determination bringing anything to life except maybe some mold.
"Don't worry, I'm home for good," said Marco as he mopped up the floor.
"The desert monsters are draining the life out of the soil here," said Fiona. "This Mystic seedling could revive the forest, but I can't plant it. Too many hungry monsters lurking about."
I wonder what she's trying to hint at?
"The monsters in the desert cave hate water," said Marco. "But I can't defeat them by myself."
Oh, well I guess you want US TO DO IT!!! Why is everyone in this world throughout its' history so lazy? Except for me and my friends and even they would be completely lost without me doing everything.
"Marco," said Robo.
Polo.
"Ahem," said Robo clearing the oil out of his throat, "Marco and Fiona, we will vanquish the desert monsters for you. Just wait here."
AND MOP UP THAT PISS, WOULD YA!
Out in the desert we ran into a few weird monsters here and there, but as we moved deeper and deeper into the cave we could hear rumbling sounds.
"What, be this?" asked Frog.
Before I could think of a witty joke about Frog having his hands in his pants, a huge skeleton thingy came out of the ground and scared all of us half to death.
"The monsters are causing the desertification here," said Robo.
Damn straight.
"How to slayeth monsters within the earth," said Frog. "'Tis a very difficult task."
Oh ye of little brain. No skeleton monster can stand before me and the all-powerful sword I possess! The Rainbow!
As I was holding my fairy sword up high to show my confidence, the skeleton monster came out of the ground beneath us. It looked just like that thing we fought on the bridge with 2 or 3 suns, but it had an eyeball in the middle. Whatever. I slashed at its legs with all of my power with almost no success. Thank God. This sword sucks after all. Now I can go back to using something a little more manly sounding. Now where did I leave my Swallow?
"Waiteth Cronoeth," said Frog. "I must attacketh it with water magic initially as Marco told us. Then you may go on the offensive."
Frog hit it with his water spell and I followed it up with an attack. I did a great deal of damage and although I was happy to know I hadn't lost my touch, I'm sad to say that I'll have to stick with using this sword.
Back and forth we went. Frog used Water Magic, while me and Robo went after the head and the legs. Eventually, all that was left was the floating eyeball. I gave it one good slash with my RAINBOW and it was over.
"It be settled then," said Frog. "Let us inform Fiona."
Back at Fiona's place we walked in triumphantly and informed her.
"Thank you for routing the beasts," said Fiona. "Unfortunately, it'll take centuries to revive the forest. I wish I could live long enough to see my wish come true!"
Well, isn't your glass half empty. There's no way we can take you with us, so don't get any ideas.
"You can come for me when the job is done," said Robo.
What the hell is he talking about?
"May I stay behind and help Fiona," asked Robo.
Is he talking to me? Hey, do whatever the hell you want, you stupid robot. Robo left the group and went out to work on the desert. I turned around and there was Marle standing behind me. I didn't pick her, but she just appeared. What the hell?
We flew forward to the Present to see how Robo had done in reviving the forest. Sure enough, there was a huge shrine in the middle of a forest where the desert used to be. In the Middle Ages, through sheer determination, Robo had revived a dying forest..........wait a second. Nahhhhh, the old man must still have been talking about Fiona. Although Robo had done all the work, it could still be interpreted as her being the cause of it all. We walked in and there were nuns on each side of us. Hmmmmm, this seems awfully familiar. I'd better watch my back for Naga-ettes.
We found Robo sitting motionless at the back of the shrine. I pulled him down from his perch and turned him back on.
"Systems reactivated," said Robo. "Wh, where am I? Ahh, Crono, how nice to see you. For you, it was a quick hop but for me 400 long years have passed."
That you slept through, you whiner! Maybe the old man WAS talking about you. You whine like a woman.
"The effort was worth it," said Robo. "The forest has grown back! Now let us celebrate our 400th year reunion."
That night all seven of us gathered around a campfire. Don't ask me how. Lucca told me we couldn't create anymore time keys and according to the old man only 3 could travel at a time. Through the use of both the timekey and the Epoch we could get 6 to one place if we wanted to, but the only way to get all seven of us to one place would be to drop one person off and go back to pick up the last one. Now that we know we can travel in groups of 6 easily and 7 if need be, when it comes time to take on Lavos I'll insist that all 7 of us fight together. No more of this 3 at a time BS!
"After 400 years of experience, I have come to think that Lavos may not be responsible for the Gates," said Robo as Lucca polished him up by the campfire.
"What do you mean," asked Marle.
I was trying to sleep and ignore the stupid conversation they were having.
"I have come to think that someone, or something wanted us to see all this," said Robo. "The different events over time, that we have witnessed. It is almost as if some entity wanted to relive its past."
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. An entity?
It's God!
NO! It's the planet!
No, wait! It's actually Lavos playing a sick game with its' split personality!
No, wait! This is all a Matrix and the machines are using us as batteries! The entity is actually a 50 year old black woman that likes to bake cookies and predict the future, but in reality she's just a computer program! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Ayla know," said Ayla. "When people die, elders say, see whole life pass by!"
If anyone in this group DOESN'T know what's going on, it's going to be you, Ayla.
"'Tis true that mortals do relive their most profound memories before death claimeth them," said Frog.
So, I guess this entity has to be a mortal thing? Or did Ayla just change the subject from what Robo was blabbering about?
"Yet those memories most often are sad ones," said Frog.
"Thinking things like, "If only I had done this," or, "I shouldn't have done that..." It triggers old, unpleasant memories," said Robo.
Yeah, ain't that the truth. When my Uncle Roy got run over by an ox cart his last words were, "I should have gotten out of the way of that ox cart".
Well, it looks like Robo thinks this stupid entity thing is some sort of mortal. It must be me!
No, wait. It's one of the gurus!
Or..............Schala!
No, it's those funky Nu or Alfador! It's that stupid cat, I know it!
No, it's that cheese that I pissed on in the 2300 AD sewers!
NO IT'S MY MOM!
It has to be Spekkio!
Maybe it's Queen Milf or Dalton. Whatever happened to him anyway?
Or Magus, it's Magus, yeah! I knew it all along! He's not a human, he's an entity!
"Crono, will you shut the," Magus said and stopped in mid-sentence as everyone was staring at him. He just went back to leaning on his tree and listening to the conversation Robo and the group was having. What's his problem? We all know Doreen is the entity. Sheesh.
"Is there a point in time you'd want to return to, Lucca," asked Marle.
Oh, no! Now I'm gonna have to hear that stupid story about how Lucca was a 6-year old and she could have saved her mom from becoming a damn cripple, but she couldn't shut off the power to her dad's cripple-making machine.
"No...not really," said Lucca.
Bull.
"I'm sorry, was that something I shouldn't have asked," said Marle continuing to ask questions she shouldn't be asking.
"It's ok," said Lucca. "It's just something I don't like to think about too much."
And you should stop thinking about changing the past, Lucca. That's impossible. Just ask Azala. He knew he was going to lose even before we changed the past.....or...wait. Now I'm confused.
"Lavos playeth an integral role in the fortunes of this Entity," said Frog.
"So, who is this Entity," said Magus.
"It is unknown, whose memories these are," said Robo. "It may be something beyond our comprehension."
Beyond human comprehension? Nahhhh. I'm sure if we argue about it we can come to a logical conclusion on who the Entity is!
"Our journey may come to an end when we finally discover the identity of the Entity," said Robo.
Identity of the Entity. Identity of the Entity. Was that a hint or something? Id............entity. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. According to Freud, the id is the part of our consciousness-
"You're thinking way too hard about this, Crono," said Magus.
"Shall we turn in for the night," said Robo. Well, I don't think there really is an Entity of any type. If there is, then how about Mr. Entity just creates a gate right here in the forest, so Lucca can go fix what happened to her mom! Yeah. I didn't think so. I don't see any gate and there's no stupid Entity.
The next morning Marle, Frog, Ayla and Magus were gone and I was with Robo and Lucca. Lucca seemed really happy for some reason and Robo was just glad to be back with all of us. I also found a piece of paper in my underwear that said, "Marle was here". Jesus Christ! I can't even sleep in peace anymore! Why am I the only one who's always pissed off in this group?
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