Chapter Twenty-Nine: The Geologically Impossible Cave

Back at the end of time I gave Lucca the option of which problem we fix next and she started talking about using solar energy and some weird place in the future that would help us beat Lavos.

I dropped Marle from the group and brought Lucca. We went to the future and flew over to the tiny island Lucca told us about. We walked into a place called the Sun Palace.

There were these four statues on a platform sitting on top of a bunch of lava. I touched a shiny dot in the back and a huge floating eyeball came out and started attacking us.

"I had a feeling this was going to happen," said Magus.

I looked at Lucca and then we both stared at Magus.

"What?" said Magus and we started to fight the eyeball.

I swung at the eyeball, who was surrounded by 5 floating flames and I missed. Every time one of us attacked it, we would miss and then it would attack us with a powerful flame attack.

I decided to just attack one of the five flames and strangely enough, it did damage to the eye. Lucca attacked another one, but it didn't do any damage to the eye at all and it shot some fire at her.

"Aha," yelled Lucca. "That's how we damage it! We have to attack the same one that Crono attacked. It's a trick, but not one that's too much for the brilliance of Lucca!"

As she finished her sentence the fireballs began spinning around in circles and mixing together, before they stopped again.

"OK, smarty pants," said Magus. "Which one is the right flame?"

Lucca scowled at Magus and we started narrowing down the flames again. Over and over again we would figure out which one was the correct flame and just before we could start wailing on it, the damn thing would spin around in circles on us.

After a long, arduous battle, the flames all went out and the floating eyeball retreated into the back. We followed it back there and found a stone on the ground.

"This is the ancient Sun Stone," said Lucca. "It doesn't seem to have an ounce of energy left in it. We could probably recharge it with sunlight, but that would take aeons.  We need to find a place to leave it in the sun for a long period of time."

We picked up the Moon Stone and jumped into the Epoch, but seriously, what are the chances that we can find a place to leave the stone where it would remain undisturbed for a long period of time?  That shit would only work in a movie or a video game where the audience isn't too bright.

Back in Ayla's time period we found a cave with a hole in it on a Northeastern island, almost like it was purposefully made for just such a situation.

"It's never dark in here," said Lucca.

Now how the hell does she know that?

"Well, back to the Epoch," said Lucca.

We went back to the future to see if the Moon Stone had charged itself into a Sun Stone. The little cave on the Northeastern island had survived the Ice Age and all the changes that seemed to effect the rest of the planet to the point of rearranging the land masses. It was in the exact same shape in 2300 AD as it was 65 million years ago. Wow.  That goes against just about everything any logical person who understands geology would expect to happen.  I'm surprised no geologists stumbled upon this cave due to these amazing properties it has.  When you think of it that way I'd be surprised if they hadn't come here to check the place out and then found the-

"It's gone," yelled Lucca.

She obviously wasn't talking about Magus's virginity.

"Hey," yelled Magus.

"The Moon Stone is gone," said Lucca.

Oh, that old thing.  I think we should lure Lavos into this cave and trap him somehow.  Perhaps it could serve as an indestructable prison.

"It looks like it's been gone for ages. Let's try another time period," said Lucca.

It's a good thing she mentioned it. I was going to look for it in this time period, because I'm a dumbass.  Lead on lesbian leader.

We checked 12,000 BC first and it was still there. I figured one of those know-it-all Gurus would have done something to screw things up, but I was wrong. Must not be into geology. 

In 600 AD it was still there as well, but oddly enough there was one of those weird little magical tabs. I don't even want to speculate on how it got there.

Finally, we came to the present, where we found that the Moon Stone was missing.

"It isn't here, either," said Lucca. "I wonder if someone from this time period has taken it?"

"No, I think someone from a later time period took it," said Magus.

You must be braindead or something Magus. If someone from a later period took it, then it would still be here!..........Sometimes it takes me a few seconds to pick up on sarcasm. Hey, why don't we just go back to 600 AD and take the Moon Stone from there. Then, we can put it next to itself back in 65 million BC. No one will bother it and then we can just pick it up in 12,000 BC where it's sure to be fully charged..................nah, that would be too easy.

We had no idea where to look, so we flew around the planet trying to brainstorm. Suddenly, I noticed that the Mayor's house in Porre was sparkling. Hmmmmmm, I'd bet that's the sign of a certain magical stone. Hopefully, he'll be willing to give it back to us. As I recall, he's so rich that he doesn't need any extra money. He gave me money just to act like a chicken the last time I was there.

When we entered his house, he just acted like he had never heard of anything called a Moon Stone. Lucca wanted to beat it out of him, but I'm a little bit craftier than she is. This was going to take some careful planning. Maybe if we do something to his ancestors, he'll be less greedy.  Traveling through time and manipulating history is much preferable to using our powerful weapons and magic against a greedy old man and his children who hate him.  Hell, his teenage daughter hates him.  Why not just ask her to steal it for us? 

NO!  This can only be done in the most complicated and time-consuming manner.  It's a matter of principle.

Back at the Elder's house in 600 AD, we talked to his great great, etc grandmother and all she would talk about is needing Jerky to make a meal. Damnit! Why did that stupid Knight Captain have to go and eat all of it. Well, I think they sell Jerky in my time period. We can just go there and buy some.  They don't sell jerky in 600 AD.  Although, how the hell do I know this is going to work? Jerky is pretty damned expensive and I'm taking quite a risk with this one. It's a long shot.  Well, like I said, it's about having principles.

We decided to give it a try and went to 1000 AD to buy the Jerky. It was 9900 bucks. What a rip-off! If this doesn't work, I'm going to be pretty pissed. We went back to the Mayor's house and gave him the Jerky. "Why the hell would I want any Jerky, you freaky, red-headed turdbrain," yelled the Mayor.

Crap! I wasted 9900 bucks and it didn't even work!

"Pssst, Crono," said Lucca. "For your extremely ludicrous plan to work in the first place, don't we have to give the Jerky to his ancestor and then hope that there is enough protein in it to turn her children into magnanimous individuals?"

Oh.......I knew that. I was, just kidding around. I wanted to piss this guy off one last time before my masterful plan turns him into a benevolent ruler. Magus sneered at me and he walked over to hit on the Mayor's blond teenage daughter.

Just as me and Lucca were getting back into the Epoch, Magus came running out of the Mayor's house being chased by guards. He hopped in and we were back in 600 AD before they could catch us. When we entered the Elder's house, his wife offered to buy the Jerky from us for more than we had payed for it. Seeing my plan fall right into place, I just gave it to her for free.

"You're giving it away," she said in surprise. "I thought there were no kind people left in this world! You can bet MY children are going to learn the value of sharing!"
BINGO!  Hey, compared to the indestructable cave that hardly anyone throughout history has noticed, this is a completely reasonable outcome.

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Mystic Revenge

The Old Man was still recovering from his heart attack, so we just decided to hit his list one by one.

"Ozzie had a hideout much like my castle," said Magus.

He obviously wanted to put an end to the lives of the three freaks that he had been stuck with before and since the old man had told us that it was one of the ways to make the world a better place overall, we decided to go there next.  Frog was feeling like a rest after his great accomplishment and since both me and Magus wanted to bring her along, we brought Ayla instead.

We walked into the entrance to Ozzie's hideout and there he was waiting for us.

"Come on in," said Ozzie.  "This is the Great Ozzie's Place!.........What the?  Whoa!!  You...you're the great Magus!"

I'd call him the slightly above average Magus.  Magus looked at me angrily and then he pointed at Ayla.  What I meant to think was, I'd call him the superbly great and wonderfully perverted Magus.  Magus smiled and looked back towards Ozzie.


"You're doing well, Ozzie," said Magus.

"The nerve," yelled Ozzie.  "Deserting your fellow Mystics to serve these humans!  You're a traitor!  You're not our King!  Why did you desert us?"

Right on cue, Ayla's top fell off onto the ground.

"That's a damned good reson," said Ozzie and then he retreated through a back door.

We charged into the next room and when he noticed us following him Ozzie said, "You pesky, low-down, good-for-nothings, ooh, I'll have you begging for mercy!  Flea!"

Flea transported into the room.  MERCY!!!  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MERCY!!! NO MORE!  YOU WIN, OZZIE!

"You sent for me," said Flea.  "Well, if it isn't Sir Magus.  Who'd you bribe to get in here?  Traitors like you deserve a beating.  Oh great Ozzie, stand back, and let ME take care of these cretins."

"I'm counting on you, Flea," said Ozzie.

"Get ready for a SLAPPING good time," said Flea.  "Get it?!"

"Ayla is going to beat up scary woman," said Ayla.

"Um, Ayla," said Magus, "Flea is a man."

Ayla's eyes opened wide and she looked at Flea in disbelief.

"Hmmmmm, Ayla have cousin like this back home," said Ayla.  "We feed him to Dactyls."

We proceeded to beat the crap out of Flea, partly out of principle and partly as a way to get to Ozzie.

"Oh, just you wait," said Flea.  "We'll teach you a lesson."

A lesson on how to be a fairy.

In the next room Ozzie had a few traps and some of his minions to face us, but he got them mixed up and his minions ended up falling into his traps.  Without Magus the Mystics were hopeless.

In the next room we found Ozzie again.

"You still haven't given up?" said Ozzie.  "Well how about a good thrashing."

If Ozzie thinks that winning battles without even having a fight is a way to discourage us, he's really in for some bad news.

"Slash," yelled Ozzie.

"Yooouuu rang," said that weird, cancer patient turned swordsman named Slash as he appeared in the center of the room.

"Slash, don't let me down," said Ozzie.

"At first I really didn't want to slice and dice ya, but now it sounds kind of fun!"

Once again, Ozzie felt it was best to send one of his people up against all three of us.  If he doesn't learn to attack in numbers he'll never win.  Actually, he'd probably still lose, but it's the right way to lose.

Slash was even less effort than Flea, but he retreated just as quickly.  When we finally made our way to the back end of Ozzie's hideout we found him standing there with Flea and Slash, finally learning to fight us on even terms.

"Heh heh.  Not so fast, friends," said Ozzie.  "I'm not going to make it that easy for you."

Ozzie, Flea, and Slash started bragging about their powerful new items and how they were invincible.  I didn't buy into it.  We started fighting and Slash got me pretty good on the left arm.  I backed off and looked at Ayla for a kiss.

"Crono not worry," said Ayla.  "I get the cancerman's sword away from him!"

Ayla ran over and stole Slash's sword making him mostly useless.  I was still waiting for my kiss.

"No, not my sword," said Slash.  "I'm worthless without it!  Give it back!"

Ayla was looking at Flea skeptically and she said, "Ayla want to know once and for all if this man or woman!"

Ayla ran over and stole Flea's vest.  Sure enough, there were no boobs.  Flea was a man and while he was the hottest man I've ever seen, he's still a man and men like him need to die.

"Eeek," screamed Flea.  "How dare you remove my clothing!  Someone as beautiful as I am doesn't deserve such treatment!"

I ran over to Flea and began swinging my sword like mad at him on all sides.  Now that's the kinds of treatment someone as beautiful as Flea deserves.

"Hey, Ayla," said Magus.  "I've always wanted to know whether Ozzie was a guy or a girl.  You can't really tell.  He has those big manboobs, but then again, they could be real ones.  There's only one way to know for sure."

Ozzie backed away.

"Hey," said Ozzie.  "I'm a guy!  There's no confusion here!  Would they let a woman lead the Mystics?  Such enlightened thought won't be around for at least a few centuries."

Ayla ran up and stole Ozzie's pants and there before our eyes was the truth about Ozzie.  What should be there was not there and instead..................what shouldn't be there, was.

"I always knew you were a wench," said Magus.

Flea looked over at Ozzie and said, "really now, Miss Ozzie.  Posing as a man when you're actually a woman.  That's just sick."

"I'm outta here," said Slash.  "Can I join your team Magus?  I can't put up with these cross-dressers anymore!  I want to work with someone whose sex is obvious like..................well, that blond girl.  Now that I think about it you could use a haircut, Magus."

Instead of letting Slash join our team we decided it would be best to just beat the crap out of all three of them.

When it was over, Ozzie acted surprised and said, "What in the...." before retreating once again.  In the next room we found Ozzie all alone and crying.

"Magus," yelled Ozzie.  "You lied when you said you wanted to create a world of evil!  You used me!"

Now the way Ozzie talks finally makes sense.  He's actually a she, so she must obviously be in love with Magus and as for using her, well, that's sorta what guys do to women they hate.  As if there's a guy out there who would say to himself, um, I don't care about her feelings and I really hate being around her, but I think it's best to treat her well.  You're deluded, MISS Ozzie.

"Oh, how dreadful," said Magus.  "Say, can you hear that?  It's the sound of the Reaper."

"I can't lose," yelled Ozzie.  "What would become of my Mystics?  I MUST win!"

Just another woman that needs to be put out of her misery.  Ozzie encased herself in ice, much like she had done before, although it also looked amazingly similar to Melchior, so I still think there's a connection.  We knew better than to attack Ozzie, so much like before, we went after the switches.  The first one we hit dropped us back into the previous room.  I had experience with these types of situations, so I knew what to do.

I sent Ayla back to the end of time and called in ol' reliable Marle.  Magus seemed to understand, so when we got back into the room with Ozzie, the two of us stood up against the wall and we had Marle get ready to fire at the next switch.  Before she could act a little cat came in and pushed one of the switches.

"N...no," screamed Ozzie, "not THAT switch!"

Ozzie fell down into a hole and we heard a loud crash.  Why did Ozzie put a switch in place that would open up a trap door underneath the block of ice she encased herself in?

"The past is dead," said Magus.  "It was all just a dream..."

I had no idea what he was talking about, but I hurried to the room that Ozzie should have fallen into just like we did a second ago.  She was nowhere to be found.  I guess we won't ever see Ozzie again.

We jumped into the Epoch and went forward to the present.  Instead of Ozzie's idiotic shemale descendants ruling the Mystics an imp was in charge and Ozzie VIII was cleaning the kitchen.  There was actually a human named Bandeau, who looked remarkably similar to Lucca's dad discussing plans to build a ferry between Truce and Medina.

"I can see that our work is actually making the world a better place," said Magus.  "You've seen what kind of friends I had to live with most of my life, Crono, so I can honestly say that you're the best friend I've ever had."

Even better than Alfador?

Magus nodded and he put his arm around me in the manly sort of headlock kinda way that guys use to show affection and Marle's pants fell down around her ankles.  At least Slash knew he was a man and looked like a man.  Ozzie, Flea, and Magus make the Mystics look very confused about sexual roles.

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Male Bonding In Ruins

"Hey," said the old man.  "You wish to fight Lavos, correct?"

It looks like I'm stuck with these people until Lavos is dead, so yes, I do.

"Many paths lay open to you," said the Old Man.  "You may use that bucket.  Or fly the Wings of Time to The Day of Lavos."

You mean this whole time I could have just jumped in that bucket to go see Lavos?

He rattled off a bunch of stuff we could do in order to get stronger and make our world a better place.  I really wasn't listening.  I've made it this far by not paying attention and I think I'll just stick with it.

Frog seemed to be concerned about the wandering knight spirit, so me, Magus and him went to check it out back in the present.  It was odd, but the wandering spirit seemed pretty far away from Guardia.  If it was his old buddy Cyrus, you'd think he would be haunting Guardia Castle or Guardia Forest.  Frog said that this was where his grave was, but even then, why didn't they put his grave somewhere more meaningful?

We found Cyrus at some ruins North of a town called Choras.  We tried fighting him to put him to rest, but his defenses were impenetrable.

"...len......Gl.e.nn?"

We stopped fighting as Cyrus was recognizing his friend turned amphibian.  Then he just freaked back out and wanted to fight again. Maybe I shouldn't have brought Magus.

Obviously, we needed to put Cyrus' soul to rest back in his time.  We jumped into the time machine and went back to 600 AD only to find that we couldn't get to his gravestone.  The ruins were exactly that.  If the greatest knight of his time gets this sort of burial, I guess the best I can hope for is to have some cow dung thrown on top of my dead face.

We found a guy to fix the paths in the ruins for us, but he said his tools had been stolen.  Great!  We'll just go find you a new set of tools!  We left and went to the future, where we took the tools from his descendants.  We told the guy's wife that he said we could have them.  Ha!  Women are so stupid!  Speaking of which......

I transported Ayla in and sent Frog away.  I winked at Magus.

"Crono need Ayla," said Ayla.  "Ayla fight hard!.......................Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooowrrrrr!  Ayla's top fall off AGAIN!  Ayla is going crazy!"

I transported her away and brought Frog back.  Magus sure comes in handy when you're down.  Magus tapped me on the shoulder and pointed at the ground.  Her top was still lying there.

Oops!

I picked it up and kept it as a memento.  We transported back to 600 AD and gave the tools to the lazy bastard who we hired to fix the ruins.  Him and his four boyfriends left to go fix the Northern Ruins.

When we got up there we found him at the entrance saying that we had to beat the monsters so he could go further into the ruins and fix the holes.  We went back and forth a few times like that.  We would eliminate all the monsters until we couldn't go further into the ruins because of the holes, he would fix the holes until he couldn't go further because of the monsters.

Eventually, we came to a gravestone that said, "Cyrus, the fool who challenged Magus resides here."

My gosh.  I hope Frog didn't write that.

"T'was very drunk and angry when I requesteth that to be put upon Cyrus gravestone," said Frog, quite ashamed of himself.

I was about to say.  What a dick of a best friend.

"Cyrus," said Frog.  "I hath returned."

Um, Frog.  You do know that he's dead, right?

I shall honor my promise to thee," said Frog.

Before my extremely amazed eyeballs, a ghost floated up out of the grave.

"Cyrus," said Frog.

"Glenn," said Cyrus.

"Crono," said Magus.

Magus.

O.K.  That's it for the roll call.

"Thank you...for making the journey here," said Cyrus.

And the good news is that not only has Frog failed to avenge your death, but he's actually joined up with your killer!  In case you hadn't noticed.  Perhaps the fool who challenged Magus isn't very observant.  If he had been, he might not have challenged Magus.  Although, Magus is a creep who has sex with purple cats.

"I said I never had sex with Alfador!" shouted Magus.

Frog and Cyrus glanced at Magus nervously and then looked back at each other.

"Dear Cyrus," said Frog.  "Thou must think ill of me,"

"On the contrary," said Cyrus.  "You have come far, my friend.  When Magus defeated me, I thought of all those whom I had left behind.  King Guardia, Queen Leene, and of course, you."

Uh-oh.  Lookin' like a little ghost on frog action in these ruins.

"I hath failed you, Cyrus," said Frog.  "Your death was as much my fault as anyone's."

I started sniffling and tears rolled down my cheeks.  I looked over at Magus and he was crying as well.  Magus, you butthead!  Why did you have to kill Cyrus!

"I don't know!" said Magus.  "If only I had known!  Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!  Boo hoo!"

I walked over to Magus and we began crying on each other's shoulders.

"I hate myself," said Magus.

"Pardon me for a moment, Cyrus," said Frog.  "Will thee two fairies kindly shut the hell up?"

I stopped and looked at Magus and we both fell on the ground laughing.

"Grrribbit," said Frog.  "'Tis a sad state of affairs when I am bound by honor to keep from ending both of your lives."

Frog looked back at the ghost, while Magus and I continued rolling on the floor laughing.

"Your skill and dedication are superior," said Cyrus.  "I can rest now, knowing that everyone is in good hands.  Goodbye, my friend."

I didn't have the heart to tell Frog that Cyrus was talking to me with that last part.

"Cyrus, wait," said Frog.  "I...I...."

"The Queen," said Cyrus as the ghost faded away.  "Look after Queen Leene.  Alas, and...farewell...G...le...n...n..."

Hmmmmm........Queen Leene, huh.  She was pretty hot in her own way.  I never even though about her as a potential lady friend.

"Cyyyruuus," yelled Frog.  "I'm so sorry, Cyrus...............the Masamune?!"

The sword jumped from Frog's hands and split into those two stupid talking hamsters that we seemed to keep running into.

"That was special," said Mune.

"Quite," said Masa.  I guess it means that a Hero's power comes from within."

"Mucho metaphysical, man," said Mune.

"Like, MIND over matter, Mune," said Masa.

I hate these two.

"My...mind?" asked Frog.

"Now for a ymmmy, full-on test," said Mune.

Oh, God.  Not another battle to test our strength.  Wonderful.

"It's thrashin' time," said Masa.

I got ready to fight the stupid sword again, but instead it just landed in Frog's hands.

"'Tis flowing with strength and vigor," said Frog.  "Ahhh!  'Tis the true identity of the Masamune!!  Cyrus, I promise to fulfill your wishes!  "Tis a sad farewell.  Onward, all!"

Sooooo, I guess we're not fighting the sword again.  Then what the hell were they just talking about?  Hey, you know what?  I don't care.  I really don't care.  Let's go back to the present and check to make sure Cyrus isn't haunting anyone now.

Back in my time, the angry Cyrus ghost was gone and now we could finally go back to the end of time and see what's next.

When we got there we found everyone huddled around the Old Man, who was lying on the ground and he looked like he was dead.

"What hath happened to him," said Frog.

Lucca stood up and said, "He had a heart attack, but I think he's going to be ok."

A heart attack?  Phew!  He should be taking better care of himself.  It's not like the excitement of the bleak end of time is enough to get to someone.  I looked at Marle and her right pant leg had a huge tear in it.  I was about to ask what happened to her, but then I noticed that Ayla was wearing a makeshift top that was the same color as Marle's pants.  I handed Ayla her top and smiled at her.  She snatched it out of my hands.

"So, what do you think caused his heart attack, Lucca?" asked Magus.

Chapter Twenty-Six: Magus Escapades

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Chapter Twenty-Five: Keep Your Clothes On, Ladies

"Just after you died, Magus got all sad about not being able to beat Lavos," said Lucca. "Poor guy had gone through all that trouble and failed. I looked over at Schala. Man, she's a hottie, right Crono? Well, anyway. I was so mad that you had just been killed and then Frog told me that we needed to get out in order to save ourselves."

Magus sighed unhappily as he was reminded of his failure. Lucca was rambling and she was giving me a headache, too.

"Schala jumped up and said, "the last of my pendant's power will send you to safety."

"Then she asked us to forgive her mom and not hate her kingdom as she transported us away," said Lucca.

"When we got outside we could see Lavos spraying his death ray all over the place. He destroyed the floating islands and burned most of the planet. The floating islands just collapsed into the ocean, causing a huge tidal wave. Thanks to Lavos, the ice age was finally over."

"Me and Frog woke up in a hut and we could hardly believe what had happened. At the time I thought you were gone for good. The Elder walked in and said that he had found us delirious. Frog asked about you, but he said that there was no one else with us."

"Then I asked about Melchior. As it turns out, Melchior, Janus and the other two gurus got sucked into some sort of time portal. Melchior went to our time. Belthasar went to the future. Janus went to the Middle Ages and the other Guru went to the end of time. As for Schala. Nobody knows."

Wait a minute, Lucca. Janus is in the middle ages?.........Frog is Janus, right? Wow, what a coincidence! I looked over at Frog in amazement. Magus laughed. Obviously, he was still able to read my thoughts.

"Luckily, the Epoch was safe and then the Elder handed us the pendant," said Lucca

"Hee, hee, hee," laughed Marle. "I think this is when I came in! Let me tell the story, pretty please, pretty please with sugar on top?!"

"Fine, you can tell the story," said Lucca. "I went back to the end of time then, anyway."

"Well," said Marle. "I appeared with the group and we got rid of Lucca and brought in Ayla, so we could have a super party, which was totally cool!"

Marle is about to die.

"So, like, we went to the commons and there were people from the magic islands and people that had been living on the ground living there together now," said Marle. "It was soooo cool that they lived together and now they didn't think less of each other. I think everybody should be happy and nice to each other, don't you Crono?"

Lucca put her gun up to the back of Marle's head. I just held in the laughter and nodded my head.

"I think so, too," said Marle. "But then, that's when the baaaaad guy showed up!"

Your dad managed to make it to 11,000 BC?

"That icky Dalton guy came running in with some of his soldiers and they told us to bow down to him! Can you believe that, Crono?"

(snore) Un...bllvblle.........

Marle slapped me in the side of the head.

"Pay attention, Cronooooooooo," yelled Marle. "So then, he starts talking about how the Queen and the Gurus were all gone, so now he said that we were living in the new kingdom of Dalton. I bet he'd try to make me the queen or something, right, Crono?"

Or the court jester, perhaps. Magus looked at me and nodded in agreement.

"He said something about a vehicle or something that a guy he knew was building and that it was ours, so he must have meant the Epoch," said Marle. "Then he said that it was now his personal chariot and I was like, no way!"

Pull the trigger Lucca. Pull the trigger and the pain will all be gone.

"So I just said, YOU CAN'T DO THAT, YOU BIG, UGLY, STINKY BUTTHEAD," said Marle. "He shot a fireball at me and I blocked it with my crossbow. He was like, what, and I just stood there staring at him."

Just then, Marle's pants fell down around her ankles.

"Ahhhhhhh," screamed Marle. "Why does that keep happening?!!! That stupid Lavos!"

I laughed and Marle pulled her pants back up. They had an oddly positioned rip on the waistband.

Marle stopped talking and ran away to try and fix her pants. Frog and Ayla decided to take over for her in storytelling.

"Grrribbit," said Frog. "Ah, yes, Dalton captured us at that junction and placed us in prison upon the Blackbird. T'was much less comfortable than the swamp, my good lad."

"Ayla only one who can fight," yelled Ayla. "Bad man take all stuff! We run all over big iron bird and get stuff back!"

"Alas," said Frog, "when we finally regained our belongings, we found ourselves precariously hanging from the outside of the Blackbird. It was most unsettling."

"Wind begin to blow," said Ayla. "Ayla almost fall off of big metal bird and then rock beast appear! Look like Robo's daddy, hahahahahahaha!"

You're pretty funny for a person that should never talk. Robo didn't look too pleased with Ayla.

Right before my eyes, Ayla's top fell off and my mouth dropped open.

"Oof," said Ayla. "It happen again! Why Ayla's clothes not fit right anymore? Must be Lavos!"

Magus looked at me and I could hear his voice.

"Since I've been part of this group, I've used my scythe to cut the back of Ayla's top half a dozen times. It falls off and I get a little bit of heaven for a moment. She still can't figure out why it keeps happening, but I've managed to convince her that it's because of Lavos. Same goes for Marle. I leave Lucca alone. I think it's best not to mess with her."

I looked at Magus and I was intrigued. He just winked at me.

Ayla put her top back on and I regained my composure.....well, mostly.

"We fight big rockman, but big rockman afraid of heights, so he can't fight Ayla," said Ayla.

"Yes, lass," said Frog under his breath. "And as always, you did it all by yourself."

"What you say, Frog," asked Ayla.

"Grrribbit," said Frog. "Amazingly, it was then that we saw Dalton flying upon the Epoch! He had given it wings and laser cannons to fire at us."

"Ayla dodge burning light," said Ayla. "Ayla no die! Ayla jump onto Epoch and beat him up!"

"'Tis true," said Frog. "We abandoned all logic and dove from the wings of the Blackbird onto the Epoch, where we battled Dalton. 'Twas then that Dalton called upon his Golem Boss, whom we had just defeated. Instead, Dalton was transported away and his whereabouts are unbeknownst to us."

Without me, you just aren't doing things thoroughly, huh?

"Ayla push button on Epoch and light beam fire at Blackbird," said Ayla. "Blackbird go down into water and die."

Hey, Magus. How about cutting off Ayla's top again. That was actually interesting. Magus chuckled.

"We returned to the commons in triumph with Dalton defeated and justice served," said Frog. "A woman pointed us in the direction of the North Cape as a place where a friend of ours was located. Thinking it could perchance have been you, we hurried there, but we didn't find you, obviously. Instead, we found......"

Frog looked over at Magus. Magus waved at me and he cut off Ayla's top again.

Chapter Twenty-Four: Clono Taker

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Chapter Twenty-Three: Eat My Stick, Lavos!

"This must be the Ocean Palace," said Marle.

Yep, that seems to be the case as we transported from the highest point up in the sky down to the ocean. I don't know what we'll find down here, but I have a feeling it will try to kill us.

At the first doorway we found everybody's favorite shaven hamster, Mune.

"The black energy grows," said Mune. "Something scary is waking up!"

I looked over at Marle accusingly, but she didn't seem to understand. Before I could get rid of her I felt the Ocean Palace shake. Obviously, she wasn't the culprit. Just to be safe, I sent her away and brought in Lucca.

"Grrribbit, I see you've brought back the friendly one, Crono," said Frog.

When I looked back, Mune had already disappeared.

This place is like a maze. There were switches and monsters everywhere. On the way down one set of stairs there was this weird group of guys that were jumping up and down. I just head butted them all and knocked them down the steps. They were pretty mad when I found them at the bottom of the steps. Hey, that's what you get for playing around where I'm supposed to be walking.

We came to one of the other shaven hamsters on a particular set of steps.

"The ancient Red Rock has been passed down through the ages. From it, a magic pendant and a knife were made," said Masa. "We embody Melchior's dreams, sealed, within the knife. Now hurry, if you plan to confront the Queen. We're counting on you!"

He hopped into the air and disappeared. Wait a minute. So, there are two Masamunes? One's a knife and the other's a sword? Why does everything have to be so confusing? At least we have both of them, although Frog's Masamune is pretty crappy. He stopped using it awhile ago.

We finally came to an elevator. It's a good thing, too. I was so tired of walking. It seems like all I've done since I first met Marle at the Millennial Fair is walk, walk, walk. My happiness was short lived as the elevator ride turned out to be a huge enemy orgy.

At the bottom I was breathing quite heavily. Lucca patted me on the back and Frog gave me a slurp. Lucca smiled and kept herself under control. Even though she wasn't hurt, Frog gave her a slurp anyway. Every member of my group seemed to be getting along and friendships had grown quite strong. Except for me. I just wanted to get the hell away from these people. When will I finally reach my goal?

Outside the elevator was a bunch of lava and some switches to press. It made me start to think that we were not only under the ocean, but under the ocean floor as well. After pressing enough switches I managed to release a platform across the lava.

Once again, we came face to face with Dalton.

"You made it this far," he said. "Maybe I underestimated you."

Maybe we overestimated you. Did you ever think of that?

"But this is the end," said Dalton. "They will take care of you! Come Golem Twins!"

What? Two of the guy that just beat the crap out of us not so long ago? There's no need to even try. I'll just let them kill Frog and Lucca and then I'll slip past when they aren't looking.

The Golems moved to attack and Lucca started throwing bombs at them. Frog kept healing us and as I swung my sword furiously at the Golems they seemed a bit confused. I can see why everyone has so much faith in me. I'm pretty good. We were attacking so fast that they never had a chance to get in a shot. Amazingly, we managed a victory to the unhappiness of Dalton.

He was so surprised that he called in the Golem Boss. It sounded a little bit scarier than the Twins.

"What's this strange force," said Dalton as a bright red light enveloped the room. "Could this be...Lavos's energy?"

Either that or Lucca casting fire magic. It didn't bother you a couple seconds ago, but now when everything gets red it has to be Lavos?

"All my work will be in vain if I expire before I'm immortal," said Dalton as he transported away in fear again.

We continued onward and ran into another one of those stupid Nu things.

"This is the hall of the Mammon Machine," it said. "Now is the time to turn back, nu..."

Did he just call me a Nu?

"We shan't allow thee to meddle with Lavos, Queen," said Frog.

I would have preferred to keep silent and get a handle on the situation first, but I guess Frog thought we should announce our presence in order to speed up the dying process.

"We just made it in time," said Lucca. "It's a pity, but I'll have to turn this machine off."

In time to die. I nearly pissed in my pants, but nobody seemed to notice. It was a pretty dramatic moment.

Damn. Queen Milf and Schala are a pair of major hotties. I wish I was Lavos. I'll consume you both at the same time. The Mammon Machine sparked and the power began to envelope Schala. She was in obvious pain.

"Help," said Schala.

That's all she ever wants. I help her and in return I get to, what, stare at her?...........Fair trade.

"Schala," said the Prophet, who was showing a strange amount of caring all of the sudden.

"What are you doing, Schala," said Queen Milf. "I need your help here!"

"Crono, use the old man's knife to stop the machine," said Frog.

"Quickly, Crono. There's no time," said Lucca.

Why the hell do I always have to do EVERYTHING!!!!!!

I pulled out the knife and after everything that had happened to me, I wasn't surprised to find that it was a talking knife.

"Here we go, Mune," said the talking knife.

"Ready big brother," said the talking knife, who also had split personalities.

It flew forward and jammed into the Mammon Machine.

"T, 'tis the Masamune," said Frog in surprise as the ruby knife used the power of the Mammon Machine to change into a sword.

Oh, now I get it. There's only one Masamune, but it's just been changed. That makes a little more sense.

"Th, the Mammon Machine," said the Queen in disgust.

"It's coming," said the Prophet.

"N, no stop," yelled Schala. "That sword alone can't stop it!"

If the sword alone can't stop it then shouldn't you tell us to go, instead of stop? This is one crazy, mixed up broad. She needs a man in her life besides Lavos. And I know just the man for the j-

I heard a screeching growl and there I was face to face with Lavos. All I need is a good jolt and I can lift my curse. I just need to get close enough to Lavos. Before I could even move, me, Frog and Lucca were sprayed with a painful death ray and knocked on our asses. Somehow I don't think this is the technique I was told about. I feel more dead than free from any curse.

Lucca and Frog didn't look too happy, either and oddly enough, the death ray was localized to the three of us. Schala, Queen Milf and the Prophet were in perfect health.

"I've waited for this," said the Prophet.

He removed his cloak and to my amazement, in spite of barely being able to move, the Prophet was none other than Magus himself. The little pansy we beat up the last time we met Lavos.

"I've been waiting for you, Lavos," he said. "I swore long ago that I'd destroy you! No matter what the price! It's time to fulfill that vow. Feel my wrath, Lavos!"

I watched in anticipation. Surely he was going to cast some powerful magic even greater than the gigantic dark spells he used on us in our battle.

"What do you think you can do," said the Queen in disrespect. "Hmph! A false prophet... You'll be a snack for the great Lavos!"

"Mother, please stop," said Schala as she stepped on my face. "This power can only end in ruin!"

Please get off of my face.

"Get away from there, Schala," said the Queen. "The almighty force of Lavos lives in all of us... You are a part of it! You cannot change fate now! Oppose me and I will destroy you also!"

If you can get Schala's heel out of my nose, I'm on your side, Queenie. She zapped Schala backwards and instead of standing on my face she was now sitting on my face. I could definitely use a slurp if you could, Frog. In other circumstances, this position would be thrilling, though.

"Come prophet, feel the power of Lavos," said the Queen as she hopped onto Lavos's....oh, my god. That's disgusting.

"Ungh," said Magus as he felt the wrath of Lavos. "Aaaah!! My powers are being drained! Ungh... I won't be beaten! I survived the darkness to defeat you, Lavos! Take this, Lavos!"

OK! Here it comes! The all-powerful, deadly dark magic of Magus. We might manage to pull this one out after all!

I watched in complete depression as Magus just hit Lavos in the face with a stick. What the hell? Am I the only one in the whole world with any competence at all?

"Wh, what? It doesn't work," said Magus.

OF COURSE NOT! YOU CAN'T BEAT THE ALL-POWERFUL IMMORTAL WHO IS CONSUMING THE PLANET BY HITTING HIM WITH A STICK! I GIVE UP! YOU PEOPLE ARE CLUELESS!

"Foolish one," said the Queen. "Your measly power can't touch Lavos!"

Hey Lavos! This is Crono here. Um, as for these guys who want to kill you, I don't know any of them. I don't care about any of them. I'm just here to ask you a favor. I need one of your little jolts of pain to release me from a curse I have. You give me that and I promise I'll leave you alone. What do you say? If you want to finish up having sex with the Queen, that's cool. I'll just wait right here for you. She's pretty cute, isn't she?

"This is from me to you," said the Queen. "You shall enjoy eternal life....as part of Lavos!"

Can I be one of his spines? How about we make Lucca his anus, hahahahahahahaha! Boy, do I have a headache. I stumbled to my feet, intent on getting Lavos's attention.