Final Chapter: Lavos is a Fishman

Lavos had two little sidekicks with him. It's always best to take out the sidekicks before going after the big man in the middle, so both me and Robo started wailing on the one to the left. It took a few good hits and died off. It's a good thing, too, because it kept healing Lavos.

Magus wacked the right sidekick, but he couldn't do much damage at all. It was fully defended and any attempt to damage it seemed hopeless. Instead of wasting our energy on it, we focused on Lavos himself. Robo jumped in front of me and fired a barrage of his metal fists right into his crotch. Lavos doubled over in pain. Man, Robo, that was a cheap shot.

"Excuse moi, Meestare Robot," yelled Lavos, "but you are QUITE void of etiquette!"

Oh god. Lavos is French. Doesn't that just explain everything.

Magus looked at me and said, "now we have an even better reason to kill the bastard."

"Pardone me, sir Magoose, but you will find it extrameley hard to defeat moi," said Lavos.

He jumped up and down and started singing. This has to be the lamest attack I've ever seen. Well, next to the booby blast from the last guy we fought. Robo started laughing hysterically and I wasn't sure what to do. He attacked me and I ran to hide behind Magus.

"What did you do to him, Lavos?" yelled Magus.

"How DARE you ask such a question of me," yelled Lavos. "Your impudence is unbecoming of one so fair to the eyes."

Lavos grabbed Magus by the hand and was about to kiss him when he got a scythe to the side of the head.

"I'm a GUY," yelled Magus. "Why does everyone always think I'm a girl?!!!"

It's probably-

"SHUT THE HELL UP, CRONO!" screamed Magus.

Whatever, Flea.

"Ptooey, ptooey, zis is most dezgusting," said Lavos. "You weak little men and your toy robot will be dying so soon as to not be aware that death has come upon you once it has already come upon you, hee, hee, ha, yes, it iz true!"

We'll be dead before we know it? As a Frenchman would say it. What the hell have we gotten ourselves into? Robo punched me in the face again. Damnit, Robo! Knock it off.

We went back to casting spell after spell on Lavos. At one point the defense of the sidekick dropped and we managed to get through. Lavos called in a huge rock and slammed it on our heads a few times. It gave me a headache. Robo was back to normal, so he sprayed us with his Heal Beam as quickly as possible.

Lavos always seemed to have his lips puckered. It was pissing me off. I began slashing at him frantically and finally, with a mighty blow to the head, he died. I sheathed my sword triumphantly and turned to my friends.

"Watch your back, Crono," said Magus hesitantly. "The other sidekick is still there."

Hmph. One little, itty bitty tiny reminder of the once great Lavos. Maybe we could take him home and keep him as a pet? To my utter dismay, my potential pet rock reanimated both Lavos and the other one of his sidekicks. Now this really sucks.

Lavos raised his arm and a huge bolt of lightning struck me in the head. I collapsed in a heap on the ground. Before I lost consciousness I could see Lavos laughing at me. Luckily, I had friends to bring me back. Lavos growled at me, but no matter what he did, I wasn't going to fall again.

I quickly dispatched the weak little healer sidekick and then we went to work on the other two again. We were too fast for Lavos and he started stumbling around. Magus used his most powerful attacks and both Lavos and his remaining sidekick fell. It was finally over. The world and its history have been saved, thanks to me. Woah! What's going on?!

Everything started to shake and we were moving through time rapidly back and forth. I couldn't stop what was happening and I finally just passed out.

"Crono," said a voice. "Crono!........Crono!!!!!!"

What the hell do you want, mom! I'm trying to sleep....

Wait a minute. I opened my eyes and I was back in my room. A soldier from Guardia castle was standing over me.

"It's time to rise and shine," he said. "We have a little surprise for you."

Marle in her underwear?

"Your stay of execution has been cancelled. We must now carry out your sentence," said the soldier.

Even better.

The guard took me to the King and I was forced to kneel in front of him. I guess he's still mad about me and the sexual innuendos I made towards his daughter.

"We've been looking for you, Crono," said King Guardia. "Where did you take my daughter?"

My bedroom, you old fart! If you're going to execute me, get it over with! I hope your daughter's pregnant and my kid has a full head of red, spiky hair when it comes out!

Marle came running in and said, "Daddy, don't!"

Man, didn't they get this figured out just a day or two ago? Remember? The Queen's last words and all that crap!

"Crono hasn't done a thing," said Marle.

Except your daughter, heh, heh.

"She says Crono has been a perfect gentleman, but, what do you think Chancellor," asked the King.

If he turns in to Yakra I'm going to scream.

"Crono's deeds have had an enormous impact on the kindgom," said the Chancellor.

NOW what did I do?

"Chancellor, how could you," said Marle.

How could he what? That comment really doesn't mean that I've had a bad impact. It could be a compliment.

"Please," said Marle. "Just listen to me! We had to..."

"...save the future, right," said the King.

"Huh," said Marle in surprise.

Now, how the hell does he know about that. Wait a minute. THAT'S NOT KING GUARDIA!!!!!!!! I darted forward and slashed his throat. He flopped over on the ground in a heap. HA! Now all I need to do is find the treasure chest with the real King and.... I looked at Marle and the Chancellor, who had both fainted.

"You saved the future, and gave us hope," said Doan as he walked in from the back room.

Um, yeah, but shouldn't we, maybe find the real King Guardia, because I, uh.....

"You fought Magus's troops, and brought peace to the kingdom in the year 600," said King Guardia from the Middle Ages.

The King's dead body sorta stood out like a pile of horse crap in the living room, but none of them seemed to notice.

"Crono beat Reptites," said Kino as he came into the room.

Yes, that's true, I did do all of these things, but I think I may have made a bit of a mistake just now. Uh, could I get a little help here?

Marle managed to regain her composure and she stood back up.

"Wh, what's going on here," she said.

That damned Kino came in and called your Dad a reptite. Before I could stop him, um, well he just went crazy and......

Marle revived her father from his state of death. I just smiled at him uncomfortably as he rubbed his throat. Lucca came out from behind the throne and held up the Time Key. 

"Lucca," said Marle. "You brought them here, didn't you?" 

This just pisses me off. She can bring a bunch of idiots to Guardia Castle to surprise us, but when it was time to fight Lavos for some goddamn reason I could only bring two other people with me.

"Our kinsmen told me all about your incredible mission," said King Guardia.

"Kinsmen," said Marle in confusion. "You mean these're MY ancestors...and descendants?" 

Does it really surprise you that the royal family from 400 years ago is your ancestor?

"Here I was fussing about my kingdom, and my daughter, and you were saving past, present and future," said the King.

Yep, we sure were. Guardia kingdom will flourish for years to come thanks to me! Or..............it will get destroyed in a horrible war within the next ten years, hahahahahahahahaha, oh man, I sure know how to put a damper on things.

"Now for a true victory parade," said the King. "Tonight we celebrate...you!"

Wait a minute. This has to be some sort of a set-up. Just the other day he was ready to kill me and now Lucca has him ready to throw an I love Crono party? I'm a bit skeptical.

"Now Marle," said the King. "Go out and enjoy the last night of the fair!"

Marle jumped up and down like an idiot.

That night we had a moonlight parade. Not the kind we had with the Chancellor, but a real one. I walked around with Marle on my arm. She wouldn't stop smiling at me. Is this what being in love is like? This is awful. Waking up in the morning becomes meaningless once it happens and death is the only escape for a man in love. I looked at Marle and my stomach felt like it was loaded down with bricks. I should have just left things the way they were. The destruction caused by Lavos didn't even begin to compare to the pain of trying to please Marle for the rest of my life. It's time to fall on the Rainbow.

"YOU saved us all," said my Mom. "That's nice dear, but I wish you spent more time around the house. It's a real problem when the person in charge of the cat is gone."

Yep, I saved the world, but that's not good enough for my Mom. It's just a glimpse of what married life will be with Marle. Please end my life, God! If you're out there. Don't I deserve just one request after all I've done?

"Yum," said Taban. "Lemonade sure tastes great outdoors! Crono, have a sip! You're the hero today."

If it's poisoned, I'll down an entire bottle of the stuff.

"Honey, don't just be a sack of potatoes," said Lara. "Dance with me!"

Taban ignored his wife and I remembered something that I had forgotten. Even though I'm supposed to be in love with Marle now........I can still treat her like crap!!!!!!! What the hell was I thinking? I pushed Marle on the ground and poured lemonade on her head. Thanks for bringing me back down to earth, Taban.

"Crono," said Lara, "the King says YOU saved the future! Wait 'till I tell my friends!"

This King of ours sure gets around. He seems to talk to the peasants like they're important or something.

I walked over to Melchior and he was staring at the ground. "The turd in the attic can swim like a fish, but don't let it down or you won't get your wish," said Melchior.

I looked at Marle, not sure what to say.

"The turd in the attic can swim like a fish, but don't let it down or you won't get your wish" said Melchior.

Poor old guy. He's finally gone senile.

"The turd in the attic can swim like a fish, but don't-"

"Mr. Melchior," said Marle.

"Oh, hello there, young ones," said Melchior. "I didn't see you there, ha ha ha! Not much business in weapons anymore. But I like it that way."

Melchior turned away from us and sat down on the ground. He was staring at the ground almost as if he was looking through it.

"The turd in the attic can swim like a fish, but don't let it down or you won't get your wish," said Melchior.

Oh, yeah. He's gone. I looked at Marle and she just giggled. I think we'll leave him alone for now.

I walked over to a guy that was standing behind the wall watching us in the center.

"The princess is gorgeous," he said. "Don't get me wrong, of course you are too."

Uh, thanks.....I think. I left the group of strange people behind and we went to the back part of the fair where this whole mess began.

The seven in our group had now gathered and it was time to say goodbye.

"Well everyone, this is it," said Lucca.

Yeah, because we can't just get in the Epoch and come visit you.

"Each to thine time," said Frog.

"The Gate has grown weak," said Robo.

"We've got to say our goodbyes before the Gate closes," said Lucca.

Why? We have the Epoch, don't we? And why the hell does everyone want to go to the Middle Ages, anyway? It's not like they'll be able to get anywhere, anyway. We only have one Gate Key. This is stupid.

"You're all leaving," said Marle.

"Crono was strong," said Ayla. "Marle too! Ayla have fun!!"

Ayla jiggled and I started to tear up.

"You're my distant ancestor," said Marle. "So you'd better have tough kids or I'll be in trouble!"

"Heh, heh. No worry," said Kino. "Ayla VERY strong!"

"Right," said Marle. "Hey...what do you mean by that?"

He means that she's a handful in the sack. That's the last thing you say to a feminist. Get ready to be pounded, Kino!

"Kino dummy," said Ayla. "We go now!"

Ayla threw Kino into the Gate and blew a few kisses at me. What? She was supposed to beat the snot out of him. Ah, I get it. She's in love with Kino. He can treat her however he wants. Lucky bastard. I hope they figure out that they're in the Middle Ages and how the hell did they use the Gate without a Gate Key?

"'Tis a feisty crowd," said Frog. "But they are thy kin, and 'tis of consequence. Queen Leene awaits. Your Majesty, we too shall take our leave."

The King walked into the Gate, clearly without a Gate Key. I don't get it. It's like everything we were told earlier was a lie.

"Mr. Frog," said Marle.

"Long farewells ne'er were necessary," said Frog.

"Right, besides, actions speak louder than words," said Marle. 

Marle kissed Frog and he jumped back almost in pain. 

"Yeah. Don't these things end with the princess kissing the frog?" 

Frog gave Lucca a slurp goodbye and then he turned to enter the Gate.

Magus walked forward and stood in front of the Gate.

"So, you're going to search for Schala," said Marle.

Magus jumped backwards and Marle's pants fell down.

"Oh, no," said Marle. "Lavos must still be alive!"

Doan walked in and Robo walked over to Lucca.

"Lucca, I will miss you," said Robo.

"What's wrong Lucca," said Marle. "Aren't you going to say goodbye to Robo?"

"She knows," said Robo.

She knows..............that there never was an Entity and you just made it all up, because you were bored waiting several centuries for us?

"Knows...what," asked Marle.

"Robo was born in a bleak future," said Lucca. "When we defeated Lavos, we changed history. Robo...may not exist in the future."

He seems fine to me. What's going to happen? He'll just disappear?

"Ha ha," laughed Robo. "Please relax. The new future has a place for me!"

Lucca ran over and started beating Robo in the face.

"Darn it, Robo," she yelled. "Don't pretend you don't care when you're really sad! It just makes things worse!"

Then Lucca got down on her knees and started doing something unspeakable.

"Lucca," said Robo, "YOU have taught me these emotions. Thank you."

"Tears don't become you, Lucca," said Marle. "Robo'll be there in the new future!"

Doan got tired of waiting around and he walked into the Gate.

"Good....bye," said Robo. "Caution! Oil has washed over my sight sensors. Sight diminished."

Robo turned and walked into the Gate. It was quite dramatic.

"Do you remember that talk we had," asked Lucca.

About how you like girls and think boys are gross? Yeah, but this really isn't the time to bring that up, Lucca.

"You mean about whether our lives flash by before we die," said Marle.

"Yeah," said Lucca. "I get the feeling that the "Entity" is finally at rest."

Aha! So Lavos is put to rest and that makes him the entity.

No, wait! Robo goes into the Gate, potentially eradicating his existence and you suddenly get the feeling that the Entity is at rest! Robo is the damn Entity? How the hell did that happen? He's a stinkin' robot! I put my hand on Marle's ass and started fondling her.

"Yes, I feel that, too," said Marle. "Time travel...how exhausting!"

Heh, heh. You want to feel what it's really like to be exhausted, let's ditch the freak in the glasses and go back to my place.

"We should dismantle the Epoch," said Lucca. "It's job is finished."

Why the hell should we do that? Once you've made popcorn you don't trash the microwave! What if we need it for something later on?

My cat ran in from behind us and my Mom was following it.

"You naughty thing, come back here," she yelled.

Make sure not to jump into the gigantic swirling blue vortex, Mom.

"Look Crono," said my Mom. "Your cat's running away because you haven't been feeding it!"

The cat jumped into the Gate, I guess because it thought it saw some food.

"Hey, come back here," said my Mom as she followed the cat.

Don't say I didn't warn you. Man, you'd think this was something she could have figured out on her own. I don't mess with power tools that I don't know how to work, but she runs head first into a time Gate like it's an amusement park.

I tried to catch her, but just then the gate closed on us. Robo sure has a bad sense of humor for being the Entity. 

"Oh great," said Marle. "Crono, that Gate will never open again!" 

How the hell do you know that? When did you become some kind of time travel guru?

"Well it looks like we have no choice but to go after them," said Marle.

Or we could just let them die. Who's with me?

"Go after them," said Lucca. "But the Gate's..."

Amazing. She knows enough about time travel to create the time key, but she's already forgotten about the time machine we were discussing less than a minute ago.

"Lucca, don't turn off your brain, yet," said Marle.

Well if that isn't the pot calling the nicotine addictive.

"I forgot," said Lucca. "We have a time machine! Nya ha ha!"

Oh, don't be sad for me. I mean my mom has just been stranded somewhere in time. No big thing. Hey, how about we laugh about it?

"Oh, princess, the King asks for your presence," said a Guardia soldier who had just walked onto the scene.

We walked back to the middle of the fair and found the King.

"I'm so happy," said King Guardia. "Now there's no reason for you to go away anymore. I have a gift for you, to commemorate this day, Princess Nadia."

The King walked over and got something. It was a huge bell with balloons on it.

"This is Nadia's bell," said the King. "It will ring out across the land."

The king rang the bell and the sound was so hideous that I pitied anyone who lived across the land. If they don't get rid of that thing, one of the neighboring countries will destroy Guardia just to make it stop ringing.

We ran off while the King had his back to us.

"Marle," said the King, "where did you go? Could someone please lend me a hand?"

"Daddy," said Marle, "I hate to say this but....I can't sit around doing nothing!"

Yep, she has to lie on her back doing everything.

As we flew away in the Epoch we could see fireworks being fired. We flew all over the planet in every era searching for my mom. I hope she's ok.

In 2300 AD we saw Robo making out with his pink robot girlfriend. It looks like everything has worked out alright.

Kino and Ayla were flying on Dactyls having a good time back in 65 million BC.

Frog was leading the King and Queen across Zenan Bridge in the Middle Ages. I hope he's not going to show them his place. It was pretty sad even for a human being with a frog curse.

Magus was floating high up in the sky in..........uh.......to be honest, I don't know what time period we're in right now. I let Lucca handle those things. I've got more important things to handle. To the backseat, princess!

Don't worry Magus! I'm sure your sister will turn up someday! Although, she might have blond hair, booty shorts, weird things on her face and she'll talk like the Crocodile Hunter making any attraction to her completely impossible to the point that she makes a big fat pink dog with two tails preferable to spend time with. But what do I know?

The End

Chapter Thirty-Five: Queen Milf Goes Down

We jumped right up into the Queen's face swinging our weapons and casting magic, but I must say that the battle didn't start out very well. She knocked all three of us down to the brink of death. Luckily, Marle went to work fixing us back up, while Magus and I just kept whittling away at her strength.

"Argh," said Queen Milf, "my powers don't seem to work here!"

They've been working for over 10 thousand years and now suddenly they've stopped working? What you meant to say was, Crono just kicked my fine ass.

"One minute I have bad breath and sagging breasts and the next I have a fine ass," said the Queen.  "You're confusing me Crono."

Best way to beat a woman at any contest is to get her focused on her looks.  She'll go down easy with a few head games.

Wait," said the Queen, "I'll simply toss you into the Mammon Machine!"

Feminist.

"You'll be one with the Omen, Lavos...and me," said the Queen.

Oh, now I get it. I read you Queenie. How's about we just ditch these two bozos and sneak off behind the Mammon Machine for a little get-to-know-one-another session.

"Damnit, Crono," yelled Magus. "Will you stop hitting on my Mom? We're trying to save the world here and all you can think about is sex! We have to defeat her or else it's all over! I'm prepared to kill her if that's what it takes, but you're not taking our situation seriously enough! There will be plenty of time for that other stuff afterwards!"

Wait a minute, Magus. So, you're saying I should sleep with your mom AFTER we kill her? Now that's just sick. And you think I'm the one with problems.

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, CRONO," screamed Magus and then he just threw his scythe up in the air and sat down in disgust.

"You still haven't given up, but no matter," said the Queen as she restored the Mammon Machine.

I got on my feet at the realization that it was time to fight for my survival again.  I looked around for a spare Ruby Knife, but there was nothing. It looks like we were going to have to do it the old-fashioned way. Which is......um, with swords and spells and stuff.  EAT MY RAINBOW!

The old-fashioned way turned out to be using nothing but magic. After numerous deadly spells from both me and Magus, the Mammon Machine released a powerful collection of energy, almost finishing us, but we somehow managed to survive it and finish off the Mammon Machine. I survived by feeding off of my enormous sex drive. Magus survived by feeding off of his anger and Marle survived because she was too stupid to know that she was supposed to be dead.

"You cretins," said Queen Milf as we stood atop the Black Omen. "I plan to live with Lavos, and control the universe forever," said the Queen. "You will not get in my way!"

"Idiots," said Magus. "Nothing can live forever. Zeal...a pitiful woman, duped by Lavos! I, myself, will bring an end to all of this!"

"Prophet," said the Queen, "you are doomed. I haven't forgotten what you did at the Ocean Palace. You will now forfeit your life."

Magus, I may want to get with your mommy, but she's just annoying me now. Let's kill her and get this over with.

"Why do you keep calling me the prophet's mother? I'm your mother?" said the Queen as she started to put two and two together. "Now I get it. So that's what happened to you, Schala. That explains how you knew so many things about the events leading up to the rise of the Black Omen. Even though you hate me, I still care about you. I've always loved your pretty hair. You grew into such a beautiful woman and your resolve has brought you to me once again. Although......you must realize that you cannot stop me."

Marle started giggling and I laughed so hard that I shot a glob of snot out of my nose.

"I'm not your daughter, I'm your s........your executioner," said Magus.

He was getting rather agitated. I was rolling around on the floor with Marle laughing at Magus.

"What is wrong with your friends, Schala?" said Queen Milf. Magus looked at us and said, "I'm still trying to figure that out. I sure miss Alfador."

"Your powers are great, but I will NOT be defeated," said the Queen. "Schala, your magic is strong enough to block my telepathy, but not strong enough to stop me. This man you have brought, though his magic is too weak to block my powers, his strength is immense and also you have this other powerful witch with you. I have just realized that I am incapable of reading her mind as well. Her magic must be equally as powerful as yours, Schala."

Magus and I looked at each other, not quite understanding why the Queen couldn't read Marle's mind. Then it dawned on me. You can't read a blank page. Poor Marle. Maybe I should take care of her better. Well, once this is all over.

The Queen disappeared and turned into a huge face and a pair of hands. What the hell is going on here? I slashed at the Queen's big fat face and she gave me a frown. Anytime we attacked her hands it spelled disaster, so we learned to avoid it.

"Did you see that Crono," said Marle. "She just flipped me off!  BITCH!"

Would you shut up, please? For the love of God! I'm trying to concentrate, woman!

We finally knocked the floating pair of hands and the head into oblivion and there was the Queen standing before us again. She's still not dead. God damnit. I quit. She's never going to die. What is this like the Fiftieth time we've beaten her?

"You smelly old woman," screamed Marle. "Nobody gives me the finger, NOBODY!"

Ahem, Marle, I seem to recall not so long ago when you not only allowed me to, but you encouraged- Marle whacked me over the head with her crossbow. Damn, that really hurt. How did she know what I was thinking?

"How dare you insects come after me," said Queen Milf. "Oh, almighty Lavos, lend me your power!"

The Black Omen began to shudder and I got back on my feet. Marle pretended like she was going to hit me again, so I backed away from her. Then she just giggled.

"Mwa, ha, ha," laughed the Queen. "At last, Lavos awakens!"

Huh? Shows how much you know, Queenie! Wasn't it just a few hours ago when you swore up and down that he would awaken in 999 years?

"Compared with him, you are like germs," said the Queen. "But, I...I shall obtain immortality!"

What? Really? You don't say? This is the first time you've mentioned it. Now isn't that nice. I could have done without the germ comment, though.

The Queen faded away into nothingness and I couldn't tell where we were anymore. I could see Lavos rising out of the ocean and the next thing I knew, we were face to face with the big badass himself. I guess this is it.

"It's time to finish off the bad guy," screamed Marle. Um, I don't think so. I sent Marle back to the end of time and brought in Robo. If it's time to fight Lavos, I want somebody who can kick ass, not some little princess.

"Good to see you, Crono," said Robo. "If you've brought me along, it must be time to kick ass."

Let's go boys. We moved toward Lavos to begin this epic battle. It only lasted one Shock spell from Robo and a slash of my powerful Rainbow blade. So, that's all Lavos was cracked up to be. I'm glad it's over, but I can't say I wasn't disappointed in you, Lavos.

"Um, Crono," said Magus. "Lavos is still alive. He was just mimicking an enemy from your past and he's getting ready to attack us again."

Lavos kept changing to mimic a former enemy of ours over and over. We just kept fighting through them all. At one point, I think we were fighting the Lavos version of Magus. It's a good thing we brought Magus along. He knew just what to do.

Finally, after using the brilliant strategy of fighting us with enemies we've already beaten before, back when we were weaker, Lavos decided to use the strategy he had used when he managed to knock me on my ass. Fighting us normally.

He let loose his death ray down on top of us. Last time, I found myself on the ground picking up all of my teeth, but this time we were ready. This time, he only knocked out most of my teeth. Robo fixed us up as quickly as he could and I worked furiously at destroying Lavos. With a powerful slash from my sword, Lavos squealed in pain and his head ripped off. Yeah. I think he's dead and it's a good thing, because I'm exhausted.

"It's over?" asked Magus.

Yep, it's over, buddy. Crono is king and a random woman depending on my preference at the moment is queen.

"I sense a powerful life force within Lavos," said Robo.

I hate you Robo.

"We'll get to the bottom of this, Lavos," said Magus and we walked into the hole where Lavos used to have a head.

Inside, it looked like some sort of a cave. Great, just great.

"According to my sensors, we are close to the center," said Robo.

Screw your sensors! This sucks!

"No turning back now," said Magus.

We walked on and came to a clearing. Inside, we found our man.

"Finally," said Magus. "You have met your match, Lavos!"

Yeah, unless he turns out to be another cave with another bad guy inside, who turns out to be a cave with another bad guy inside, who turns out to be another cave with another bad guy inside, who turns out to be, etc.

"Crono," said Magus. "I have a pretty good feeling that this is the core of Lavos."

"Amazing," said Robo. "It houses all the DNA of every creature that ever lived...!"

There we were face-to-face with a three-eyed, four-armed, no-legged beast and he was motioning for us to bring it. I stepped forward and raised my rainbow. You, Lavos, are about to get served! Magus slapped me in the back of the head.

Before Magus could lecture me on the use of god-awfully stupid slang in crisis situations, Lavos let loose a powerful laser beam of death and my heart shot up into my throat and back down into my ass, before it rebounded and found it's way back to my chest.

"Did he just shoot us with his nipples," said Magus. "HOW LAME IS THAT, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Robo healed us and we all had a good laugh at Lavos, whose most powerful attack was a booby ray. This is the guy who's destroying our planet? Let's get Ayla in here to give Lavos a new name. We'll change his name from Firebig to Nipples. Or how about the Booby Blaster! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Your life is about to end, Nipplevos!

All three of us began to attack with reckless abandon. Nipplevos was no match for us and soon enough, his arms had been destroyed and we were staring him straight in the eyes.

"Don't get cocky, Crono," said Magus. "Those boobs of his are still in working order, hahahahahahahahaha!"

I tried to control myself as we still needed to finish him off.

Robo fired a barrage of punches at Lavos as I slashed at him with my rainbow sword. Lavos began to groan in pain and he disintegrated away. Finally! We've beaten Lavos once and for all! Now let's get out of here and go home. I'm gonna take a bath, have sex with Marle and get some shuteye. Robo tapped me on the shoulder and pointed at what was left behind after Lavos disintegrated.

"This was Lavos' goal," said Robo.

His goal was to be a funny looking fishman in a space suit? He really needs to set higher goals.

"Using the DNA of every organism," said Robo, "And achieving the ultimate in evolution!"

THAT'S the ultimate in evolution? A big friggin' fishman with 3 fingers and toes on each hand and foot? Yeah, right! I'm the ultimate in evolution! Forget this Lavos freak! I say we kill him and............then fight whatever is inside of him.  Jesus Christ this is never going to end. Even if we keep killing off the shells, there's always gonna be something on the inside.

Best-case-scenario, the part of Lavos that is too small to be seen with the human eye will infect our entire race and kill us off like a virus.

"Attack value is...off the scale," said Robo. "It's shorting out my sensors!"

Whose attack value? His or mine?

"We were created only to be harvested," said Magus. "All people and all living things?"

I aimed my rainbow at Lavos and prepared to continue fighting.

"Human hands created me," said Robo, "which means I am a product of that thing...I am no different than Lucca and the others."

Yep, you keep telling yourself that, Robo. Whatever form of denial gets you through the day.

"I am part of all living things," yelled Robo.

Lavos just stared at us while we were being dramatic. I'm not sure he speaks our language. Ultimate in evolution my ass.

"It's over for you," said Magus. "Your life ends here!"

Magus was looking at Robo, but I think he was talking to Lavos. Well, whatever. Let's fight, Lavos.

Chapter Thirty-Four: The Old Man Wakes

I jumped into the Epoch, trying to leave Lucca and Robo behind, but they got in just in time and I was back at the end of time. All of my friends were there. All we had left in order to save humanity and its history was to fly into the Black Omen, destroy it and kill Lavos. Simple enough.

Hey!  The old man is finally awake!

"Phew," said the old man.  "My heart wasn't meant to see such things, Miss Ayla."

"Ayla sorry," said Ayla.  "Ayla keep shirt on.  Ayla promise."

I glanced at Magus and he smiled.  Magus decided to let the old man live and keep Ayla from developing a guilt-driven personality disorder.

"We took care of all of those things you told us about," said Marle.

"Splendid," said the old man.  "So, where is Cyrus?"

"We hath put him to rest and made things right," said Frog.

"Put him to rest?" said the old man tilting his head to one side in confusion.  "You were supposed to find a way to recruit his invincible ghost to help you in the fight with Lavos.  He could have defeated Lavos single-handedly."

"We hath fucked up," said Frog.

"No matter," said the old man.  "There are many other ways to add the necessary strength needed to defeat Lavos.  Magus, did you recruit your army of Mystics to help in the fight?"

"Um," said Magus, "No, I guess we killed Ozzie, Flea, Slash and my whole army in order to set things right, didn't we guys?"

"Oh, I see," said the old man.  "Did you put a stop to the rebuilding of Fiona's forest?"

"Malfunction," said Robo.  "I must have heard you incorrectly.  Did you not mean contribute to the rebuilding of the forest?"

"No, you were supposed to stop her and her sheer determination," said the old man.  "One of my servants has been tunneling deep down underneath the surface, but he's been having trouble keeping his focus due to Fiona and Marco's distraction.  Once he has tunneled far enough one of our many options to defeat Lavos would be to use the power of the Sun Stone and the Rainbow Shell to create an explosive device.  We simply drop it down near him, he ingests it and moments later..........BOOM!"

I quickly hid my rainbow behind my back and Lucca did the same with her gun.  Frog tossed his prism helm aside.  Marle was wearing the Prism Specs and she clearly had no idea what was going on, because she kept smiling like always.

"Of course," said the old man, "in order to create the device, Robo will need to seek out the technological guidance of his mother.  She may need some coaxing, but she loves you, Robo.  She'll come around.  Oh, didn't you say you had done all of these things?  I'll contact my servant in the desert to see if he's ready.  I would have liked to fall back on the Invincible Cyrus Ghost or the Mystic Army in case this plan didn't work, but I understand why you guys did what you did.  Wait one second.  Have you destroyed the Black Omen yet?  Until you do our plan won't work."

Yes, that's a good idea.  No matter what, I want to get the hell out of here before the old man finds everything out.  I dropped Robo and Lucca and decided to bring Magus and Ayla. I'm sure I can find something fun to do with these two. We jumped into the Epoch and flew back to the Present. There was the Black Omen looking nice and scary and now I have to fly the Epoch into it.

Uh, maybe we should go stock up on shelters and ether. Yeah, lots of ether.

"Quit being a pansy, Crono," said Magus.

I nodded and flew towards the Black Omen. When we got close enough, we put the Epoch into the Black Omen parking garage and jumped onto the first platform we could find.

In the first room we came to, Queen Milf was there waiting for us.

"Fools," she yelled. "Haven't you learned your lesson?! We are immortal! We shall live forever with Lavos, who devours this planet even as he sleeps. Within 999 years he'll become the ruler of this world!"

So, who's the ruler now?

"The Black Omen is a path which leads to Lavos," said the Queen. "It is a shrine which provides us with limitless power."

Does this psycho have split personalities or something? Why does she keep saying "us" and "we"?  Great tits.  Tiny brain.  Bad breath.  No queen of mine.

"As long as the mighty one reigns, your dreams are hopeless," said the Queen.

She summoned a weird creature and then said, "you should sacrifice yourself to the mighty Lavos! HAAhahahahaha!"

She faded away and we got to fight the creature. Good times. I guess the Queen must realize that we're traveling through time. She can't possibly think that we've somehow found a way to be immortal without giving our souls over to Lavos.

We killed the creature and looked at the path ahead of us. You're a real son-of-a-bitch, Magus.

"And you're not as clever as you think you are, Crono," said Magus.

So, where's your sister at?

Magus just shrugged his shoulders.

Do you think your mom even realizes that you're her son?

Magus picked me up by my collar and said, "enough with all the questions, ok?!"

We kept moving forward fighting our way through robots, mutants and idiots that liked to peep at us from behind shields. After awhile, I noticed that me and Magus were doing the bulk of the fighting and the only thing Ayla was doing was pickpocketing all the bad guys. She was finding some nice stuff, but this is a matter of life and death. I think we can worry about our capital once we're finished saving the world. Crazy woman.

When we came to a room with a strange pillar of light in it, I was a little apprehensive. It looked like some sort of transporter or elevator, but just in case, it's best to be careful. I sent Ayla back to the end of time and brought in Marle.

"Hi Crono," said Marle. "I was just thinking about-"

I shoved her into the pillar of light and she transported away.

Then, she came right back.

"Crono, you're so silly," said Marle. "What I was about to say, was-"

I sent her back to the end of time and brought Ayla back. We climbed into the transporter and it took us to a similar looking room.

After a long walk we came to a room with a bunch of free stuff and two of those stupid Nu guys. Man, these idiots are everywhere. In one of the next rooms we came to, I found myself face to face with two robots that looked EXACTLY like one of Lucca's inventions back at the fair. Aha! It's becoming all too clear to me now. So, there's been a spy among us this whole time, eh?

"Crono," said Magus. "It could just be a coincidence.  Or, maybe my mom made the robots exactly like Lucca's to throw us off or get some of our more weak-minded members paranoid."

Magus.......I think you're the one who's reaching now. A coincidence? Your mom is just trying to throw us off? Those are Lucca's robots right there and it's plain to see. I say we bring her here and question her. I sent Ayla away and brought in Lucca.

"So, you need my brainpower, huh Crono," said Lucca.

I pointed at the robots and crossed my arms.

"Hey, those look exactly like Gato," said Lucca.

Magus sighed and said, "Crono thinks you're working with Queen Zeal against us and he considers this to be proof."

Magus rolled his eyes at me.

"What," said Lucca in disbelief. "How could you think that about me, Crono?"

I pointed at the robots again. Lucca's face got red and a few tears came out of her eyes, but she wasn't sad at all.

"I'VE BEEN POURING MY HEART AND SOUL INTO HELPING YOU SAVE THIS PLANET AND BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME ROBOTS IN HERE THAT LOOK LIKE GATO, YOU'RE ACCUSING ME OF BEING A SPY?"

Magus laughed and said, "I told him he was crazy. If I was to accuse you of being a spy it would be for how little you help in battles. That weak little gun of yours and your stupid fire magic that hardly does anything at all." 

Lucca stopped looking at me and she started chasing Magus around the Black Omen firing her gun at him. I looked at the Gato-look-alikes and they were as confused as I was.

Instead of dealing with the situation, I just sent Magus and Lucca back to the end of time to fight it out and brought Frog and Marle in to help for the moment.

"Grribbit, I see we have invaded the inner environs of the Black Omen, grribbit," said Marle.

Frog gave her a dirty look. Marle giggled.

Frog sighed and said, "thou hast Queen Leene's sense of humor."

And her cute ass.

After several minutes of walking, I got curious and sent Frog back to the end of time in return for Magus. When he appeared, he was on the ground with his legs up over his head, stuffed into his shirt and his arms were twisted back and tied together. He looked like a poorly made pretzel.

"C, C, Crono, help me," said Magus in obvious pain. "Lucca went berserk back at the end of time. I, I'm in a great deal of pain. Please help me!"

Marle giggled and we untied Magus, who had learned his lesson about insulting Lucca. Poor guy. Getting beat up by a girl. It must be hard to deal with.

The Black Omen seemed endless and I was getting sick of walking. We ran into these guys that looked a lot like that Heckran character from back in the day. They were pretty tough. I had managed to kill off one of them, but Marle was knocked out in the process. The other one was pretty badly hurt, but he managed to put Magus on the floor. It was one-on-one and if I didn't win this would be it. All I needed was one good strike and he knew it, so he backed into a corner and closed his eyes.

Before I killed him, I had an idea pop into my head. I tapped him on the shoulder and motioned for him to follow me. We walked over to Magus and Marle, who were still unconscious, and I took off all of their clothes. The Heckran-looking guy backed away from me and gave me a funny look. Once I started to put Marle's poofy blue pants on Magus he understood and started laughing. Then I put Magus' purple cape and cool-looking magician outfit on Marle and we revived them both.

Magus stood up and examined his surroundings.

"Woah, those guys were tough," said Magus. "That was a close one."

He noticed that one of them was still alive and he moved to attack. That was when he realized that he was holding a crossbow. Both me and the monster fell on the ground laughing. Magus looked at himself and realized that he was wearing poofy blue pants.

Marle was giggling as well. For the rest of my life, I still can't help but laugh whenever the image of Magus standing there pissed off wearing Marle's poofy blue pants and shirt pops into my head. At the time I knew it could mean the end of our friendship, but I sent Magus back to the end of time and replaced him with Lucca.

The monster left us alone, probably just glad that I didn't kill him.

"Why is Marle wearing Magus's clothing," said Lucca.

I smiled and Marle just kept giggling. Lucca seemed confused. We waited a few minutes and then I sent Lucca back to the end of time for Magus.

"I hate you, Crono," said Magus as he and Marle exchanged clothing. "The old man just gave me a lecture about being true to my inner self and not fighting this side of me. He also said that he always knew I was one of those kind of guys even when I was growing up. The old man was lucky I didn't have my scythe with me."

Eventually, we came to a room where a baby Lavos was at and we started fighting it. I knew we were getting near the end.

In the next room I saw something that I hadn't expected. There were little dolls of every member of our group except Magus floating in some strange devices. I thought about stealing the Ayla one to put in my room, but I figured I could wait until later. Who knows what would happen if I moved one of them.

In the back of the room, the Queen appeared in front of the broken Mammon Machine. 

"Behold, my pretties," she said. "Destiny, in its most brutal form." 

She must mean her sagging breasts. 

"I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT MY SAGGING BREASTS," yelled the Queen. 

Magus laughed and Marle just thought she was freaking out. I guess the Queen can read minds as well.

"Yes, Crono, I can," said the Queen. "And I must admit that some of the thoughts you've had about me are disgusting. I can't seem to reach the mind of this false prophet. Hmmmm, I wonder.......anyway, as I was saying. All the dreams that might have been. All the happiness, and sorrow, you might have experienced. Gone forever!!! For you there will be no tomorrow!"

We've already been to tomorrow, lady. It sucks anyway.

"The Black Omen transcends time and space," said Queen Milf. "Waiting for Lavos to awaken! Destiny has led you here. And here you shall rest forever, unless you can defeat me, and smash the Omen!" Hmmmmmmm, she just told us exactly what we needed to do in order for us to win. Maybe deep down she's searching for our help in getting away from Lavos. That would explain what the old man meant by finding someone close to one of us who needed our help. I might go as far as to call her a very Entity-like person.

"Crono, don't start that crap again," said Magus. "Let's just kill her and get this over with."

"Come, dear friends," said Queen Milf. "Perhaps I can persuade Lavos to share his dreams with you! Did I say dreams? I meant his eternal nightmare!"

Now she's just trying to sound cool. I hate people like that. Let's kick her ass and get this over with. Man, I sound cool.

Chapter Thirty-Three: Entities and Titties

I held my tongue and we went back to the end of time. Marle and Magus can have each other for all I care. I kicked them both out of my group and decided to hang out with Robo and Frog. I don't need to deal with women or smart ass magicians anytime soon. Let's go talk to the old man and see what's left.  Surely he's conscious by now.

When we found the old man he was still passed out, but he was breathing.  Ayla was standing over him crying.

"Ayla tits," said Ayla.  "Ayla tits kill old man?"

I'm not sure, Ayla.  They might have been the cause.  I'll have to do an extensive study of them in order to-

"Crono be goofy," said Ayla as she knocked me on the head.  "Crono try make Ayla laugh?  Crono keep tongue to self.  No rip off Ayla shirt.  That bad."  

Crono big boner.

"Excuse me, but I believe I remember the next thing the old man mentioned before his heart attack from breast exposure," said Lucca.  "In the middle ages, a woman's sheer determination brings a forest back to life."  

Well, in that case she doesn't need us, right? Perhaps he meant, if we go help her out the forest will come back to life.

Back in the Middle Ages we found this blond living in a desert with a couple trees around it. I think she's pretty much out of luck.

"My husband Marco is finally home," said the blond. "I...I'm so relieved."

"Damnit, Fiona," screamed Marco. "Did you just piss all over the floor again?"

It looks like this Fiona woman was a tad on the strange side. I couldn't imagine her sheer determination bringing anything to life except maybe some mold.

"Don't worry, I'm home for good," said Marco as he mopped up the floor.

"The desert monsters are draining the life out of the soil here," said Fiona. "This Mystic seedling could revive the forest, but I can't plant it. Too many hungry monsters lurking about."

I wonder what she's trying to hint at?

"The monsters in the desert cave hate water," said Marco. "But I can't defeat them by myself."

Oh, well I guess you want US TO DO IT!!! Why is everyone in this world throughout its' history so lazy? Except for me and my friends and even they would be completely lost without me doing everything.

"Marco," said Robo.

Polo.

"Ahem," said Robo clearing the oil out of his throat, "Marco and Fiona, we will vanquish the desert monsters for you. Just wait here."

AND MOP UP THAT PISS, WOULD YA!

Out in the desert we ran into a few weird monsters here and there, but as we moved deeper and deeper into the cave we could hear rumbling sounds.

"What, be this?" asked Frog.

Before I could think of a witty joke about Frog having his hands in his pants, a huge skeleton thingy came out of the ground and scared all of us half to death.

"The monsters are causing the desertification here," said Robo.

Damn straight.

"How to slayeth monsters within the earth," said Frog. "'Tis a very difficult task."

Oh ye of little brain. No skeleton monster can stand before me and the all-powerful sword I possess! The Rainbow!

As I was holding my fairy sword up high to show my confidence, the skeleton monster came out of the ground beneath us. It looked just like that thing we fought on the bridge with 2 or 3 suns, but it had an eyeball in the middle. Whatever. I slashed at its legs with all of my power with almost no success. Thank God. This sword sucks after all. Now I can go back to using something a little more manly sounding.  Now where did I leave my Swallow?

"Waiteth Cronoeth," said Frog. "I must attacketh it with water magic initially as Marco told us. Then you may go on the offensive."

Frog hit it with his water spell and I followed it up with an attack. I did a great deal of damage and although I was happy to know I hadn't lost my touch, I'm sad to say that I'll have to stick with using this sword.

Back and forth we went. Frog used Water Magic, while me and Robo went after the head and the legs. Eventually, all that was left was the floating eyeball. I gave it one good slash with my RAINBOW and it was over.

"It be settled then," said Frog. "Let us inform Fiona."

Back at Fiona's place we walked in triumphantly and informed her.

"Thank you for routing the beasts," said Fiona. "Unfortunately, it'll take centuries to revive the forest. I wish I could live long enough to see my wish come true!"

Well, isn't your glass half empty. There's no way we can take you with us, so don't get any ideas.

"You can come for me when the job is done," said Robo.

What the hell is he talking about?

"May I stay behind and help Fiona," asked Robo.

Is he talking to me? Hey, do whatever the hell you want, you stupid robot. Robo left the group and went out to work on the desert. I turned around and there was Marle standing behind me. I didn't pick her, but she just appeared. What the hell?

We flew forward to the Present to see how Robo had done in reviving the forest. Sure enough, there was a huge shrine in the middle of a forest where the desert used to be. In the Middle Ages, through sheer determination, Robo had revived a dying forest..........wait a second. Nahhhhh, the old man must still have been talking about Fiona. Although Robo had done all the work, it could still be interpreted as her being the cause of it all. We walked in and there were nuns on each side of us. Hmmmmm, this seems awfully familiar. I'd better watch my back for Naga-ettes.

We found Robo sitting motionless at the back of the shrine. I pulled him down from his perch and turned him back on.

"Systems reactivated," said Robo. "Wh, where am I? Ahh, Crono, how nice to see you. For you, it was a quick hop but for me 400 long years have passed."

That you slept through, you whiner! Maybe the old man WAS talking about you. You whine like a woman.

"The effort was worth it," said Robo. "The forest has grown back! Now let us celebrate our 400th year reunion."

That night all seven of us gathered around a campfire. Don't ask me how. Lucca told me we couldn't create anymore time keys and according to the old man only 3 could travel at a time. Through the use of both the timekey and the Epoch we could get 6 to one place if we wanted to, but the only way to get all seven of us to one place would be to drop one person off and go back to pick up the last one. Now that we know we can travel in groups of 6 easily and 7 if need be, when it comes time to take on Lavos I'll insist that all 7 of us fight together. No more of this 3 at a time BS!

"After 400 years of experience, I have come to think that Lavos may not be responsible for the Gates," said Robo as Lucca polished him up by the campfire.

"What do you mean," asked Marle.

I was trying to sleep and ignore the stupid conversation they were having.

"I have come to think that someone, or something wanted us to see all this," said Robo. "The different events over time, that we have witnessed. It is almost as if some entity wanted to relive its past."

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. An entity?

It's God!

NO! It's the planet!

No, wait! It's actually Lavos playing a sick game with its' split personality!

No, wait! This is all a Matrix and the machines are using us as batteries! The entity is actually a 50 year old black woman that likes to bake cookies and predict the future, but in reality she's just a computer program! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Ayla know," said Ayla. "When people die, elders say, see whole life pass by!"

If anyone in this group DOESN'T know what's going on, it's going to be you, Ayla.

"'Tis true that mortals do relive their most profound memories before death claimeth them," said Frog.

So, I guess this entity has to be a mortal thing? Or did Ayla just change the subject from what Robo was blabbering about?

"Yet those memories most often are sad ones," said Frog.

"Thinking things like, "If only I had done this," or, "I shouldn't have done that..." It triggers old, unpleasant memories," said Robo.

Yeah, ain't that the truth. When my Uncle Roy got run over by an ox cart his last words were, "I should have gotten out of the way of that ox cart".

Well, it looks like Robo thinks this stupid entity thing is some sort of mortal. It must be me!

No, wait. It's one of the gurus!

Or..............Schala!

No, it's those funky Nu or Alfador! It's that stupid cat, I know it!

No, it's that cheese that I pissed on in the 2300 AD sewers!

NO IT'S MY MOM!

It has to be Spekkio!

Maybe it's Queen Milf or Dalton. Whatever happened to him anyway?

Or Magus, it's Magus, yeah! I knew it all along! He's not a human, he's an entity!

"Crono, will you shut the," Magus said and stopped in mid-sentence as everyone was staring at him. He just went back to leaning on his tree and listening to the conversation Robo and the group was having. What's his problem? We all know Doreen is the entity. Sheesh.

"Is there a point in time you'd want to return to, Lucca," asked Marle. 

Oh, no! Now I'm gonna have to hear that stupid story about how Lucca was a 6-year old and she could have saved her mom from becoming a damn cripple, but she couldn't shut off the power to her dad's cripple-making machine.

"No...not really," said Lucca.

Bull.

"I'm sorry, was that something I shouldn't have asked," said Marle continuing to ask questions she shouldn't be asking.

"It's ok," said Lucca. "It's just something I don't like to think about too much."

And you should stop thinking about changing the past, Lucca. That's impossible. Just ask Azala. He knew he was going to lose even before we changed the past.....or...wait. Now I'm confused.

"Lavos playeth an integral role in the fortunes of this Entity," said Frog.

"So, who is this Entity," said Magus.

"It is unknown, whose memories these are," said Robo. "It may be something beyond our comprehension."

Beyond human comprehension? Nahhhh. I'm sure if we argue about it we can come to a logical conclusion on who the Entity is!

"Our journey may come to an end when we finally discover the identity of the Entity," said Robo.

Identity of the Entity. Identity of the Entity. Was that a hint or something? Id............entity. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. According to Freud, the id is the part of our consciousness-

"You're thinking way too hard about this, Crono," said Magus.

"Shall we turn in for the night," said Robo. Well, I don't think there really is an Entity of any type. If there is, then how about Mr. Entity just creates a gate right here in the forest, so Lucca can go fix what happened to her mom! Yeah. I didn't think so. I don't see any gate and there's no stupid Entity.

The next morning Marle, Frog, Ayla and Magus were gone and I was with Robo and Lucca. Lucca seemed really happy for some reason and Robo was just glad to be back with all of us. I also found a piece of paper in my underwear that said, "Marle was here". Jesus Christ! I can't even sleep in peace anymore! Why am I the only one who's always pissed off in this group?

Chapter Thirty-Two: The Half-Reptite Princess

As soon as we walked in the door the Chancellor got excited.

"Princess Nadia," he yelled.

Oh great. Here it comes. Step away from the hooligan so we can execute him, blah, blah, blah. Just tell me when to start running, ok?

"I've been worried, Princess," said the Chancellor. "I understand your pain. But the king really only cares about his realm..."

Ouch! Chew on that you little brat.

"Yes, even when your mother, Queen Aliza passed away, he worked all day," said the Chancellor.

Wait a second. Queen Aliza? The king was married to that Reptite leader? Marle is half Reptite, hahahahahahahaha!

"No one could do that," said Marle. "It's inhuman!"

"Oh, child, it's ancient history now," said the Chancellor.

Don't you try to tell us about what is and isn't ancient history! You call something that happened 10 years ago, ancient? We've been running all over time doing this and that and getting NO THANKS WHATSOEVER! I....I just need a break. A pop tart would really hit the spot.

"Tell me more," said Marle.

"This may be difficult," said the Chancellor. "Well, Queen Aliza's condition suddenly changed for the worst. She desperately wanted to see the king one last time, but he couldn't find the time to drop by."

HA! He was probably with my mom. Men are such jerks.

"Said he had some work to do," said the Chancellor. "But knowing nothing about death, you waited faithfully by your mother's side. Aliza passed away in sorrow. It's as if the king indirectly killed her....such a shame."

"WHAT," screamed Marle. "Father KILLED? MY MOTHER?"

No, he said that he indirectly killed her. Kinda like how you get mad at me when I'm not paying enough attention to you? Believe me, your father had nothing to do with it. It's just a female thing. When things aren't going right, they blame the most important man in their life to get through it........or die in the case of your mother. Stock market crashed? Oh, damn that Crono! Lavos invaded the planet? Crono, you jerk this is all your fault! What? I'm pregnant! Crono, this is all your fault! You women are all the same.

"But what do I know," said the Chancellor. "There are reasons for everything, right dear? Now...so glad to see you back again. Please go visit the king."

We walked around, but we couldn't get anywhere. It seemed as if there was some sort of trial going on, so we went to the courtroom.

"No entry allowed," said the guards.

"Let me through!" screamed Marle.

It actually worked and we got inside the courtroom.

"Had any of you heard of the Rainbow Shell," said the Chancellor. 

Wow, he's quick. One second he's turning Marle against her father and the next second he's prosecuting the king. 

"I, too had no idea until I found this," said the Chancellor. "It's an ancestral will. It says, "Unveil the Rainbow Shell to the people at the Millennial Fair"."

"What are you talking about?" said the King. "We have no family heirlooms here!"

"So this is a forgery," said the Chancellor. "Why does the defendant deny the people a glimpse of the Rainbow Shell? Because he no longer HAS it!! He sold the heirloom for cash. Witness, please!"

Marle jumped forward and interrupted the trial.

"Wh, what is it, Nadia," asked the Chancellor. "We are conducting a trial here."

"Father," said Marle.

"Nadia," said the king. "The Chancellor is trying to frame me!"

Of course he is! Why would you sell off a treasure to get money? You're a king. You can just increase taxes and steal from your people the easy way.

"He hurls insults," said the Chancellor, who just got done hurling insults at the king at the front of the castle. "Confirm your innocence with proof!"

"Proof," said Marle.

"Yes," said the Chancellor. "If he hasn't sold the heirloom, it should be in the castle. Show me the Rainbow Shell and I'll accept his innocence, heh, heh."

Did he just laugh like an evil villain in the middle of a trial?

"Chancellor," yelled the king. "What kind of trickery is this?"

"Remove them," yelled the Chancellor.

Guards came and pulled us outside of the courtroom.

"No entry allowed," said the guards.

"Let me through," screamed Marle, but the guards held fast this time.

"Find the Rainbow Shell and we'll be able to prove the King's innocence," said Lucca.

"What are you saying," said Marle. "It's a lie! There IS no heirloom!"

Oh, my god. Is she that stupid?........Why am I asking that question? Yes, she is that stupid. It's been proven time and time again.

"We changed history back in 600 AD," said Lucca. "So the Rainbow Shell should still be in the castle!"

"Aha," said Marle as if she had just figured it all out on her own. "The Rainbow Shell we gave to my ancestor 400 years ago is still here. It's probably in the basement."

Just like your brains. I need some relief from this pain. I zapped Lucca away and brought Magus back.

"Why the hell do you always bring me in when I'm trying to get some sleep," yelled Magus. "Oh, I get it. Hey, I understand, buddy. The ladies are getting on your nerves and I'm the only guy you have to choose from. Unless you count Bobo or the Frog."

"Hi, Magus," said Marle. "We've gotta find the Rainbow Shell or else they'll convict my daddy of selling off a family heirloom!"

Marle's pants fell down around her ankles and the courtroom guards gasped.

"Let's go, Crono," said Magus.

We ran towards the stairs and down to the basement.

"WAIT FOR ME," screamed Marle as she tried to pull her pants up and run at the same time, but only succeeded in falling on her face. The guards were laughing at this point.

We got to the basement and found a guard lying on the ground complaining of a rat bite and further into the basement we found a couple of snakes discussing how their boss was trying to get revenge by framing the king. Hmmmmmmm, I'm beginning to see what's going on here. Marle came running in at that point, unfortunately and we killed the two snakes.

"So there IS a plot," said Marle. "Let's hurry!"

What a surprise. Marle's about two steps behind us on everything. Way in the back of the basement after fighting through enemies weak enough to be killed by Marle's crossbow, we found the Rainbow Shell. It was here all along. Man, the defense for the king must have been awful. He didn't even bother to search the castle to make sure the Rainbow Shell wasn't around.

"The Rainbow Shell," screamed Marle.

"There's a letter here," said Magus. "Shall we burn it?"

Yes, we could do that. Or we could read it.

"To Marle," said Marle.

Um, I think that means it's for you, Marle. In case you weren't sure.

"Dearest Marle," said the letter. "I know things are tough between you and your father. But nothing can break your bond of blood. Neither words of anger, nor great distances. Someday, when you have children, you will understand. This special bond is part of a family tree which links us together. -Queen Guardia XXI, Leene.

Right, right, neither words of anger, nor great distances can break a bond of blood, but I bet a nice sledgehammer to the skull would break that bond in a second. How does Queen Leene know anything about having children? She doesn't have any. Well, I guess she could have written this after she had children, but I doubt it. And even worse than that, it took Queen Leene about 10 seconds to forget who Magus was and become best friends with him.

"Perhaps we could have this conversation later," said Magus.

I'm sorry, but only a completely moronic fool would take advice from that stupid queen from the Middle Ages.

"The Queen is right," said Marle.

See, I told you.

"Father," said Marle, "hang in there, we're coming!"

Marle grabbed a shard of the Rainbow Shell and we returned to the courtroom. The guards still wouldn't let us in, so I pulled out my sword and prepared to kill them. We've killed the evil Mother Brain from the future, the guardian of the Sun Stone, several of Dalton's Golems, Azala and that big fat Tyrano, so I think we can handle a couple of Guardia peons.

"No, wait," said Marle. "Let's make it as difficult as possible by climbing outside and risking a deadly fall to our deaths as we break through a stain glass window that could easily slash us open causing us to bleed to death!"

I looked at Magus and he shrugged his shoulders. Marle ran off and we just stood there looking at the guards. There was no way we were going to follow Princess Ditz. Before we knew it, she was inside and opening the door to let us in. She showed a prism shard to the Chancellor and he got pretty upset.

"Your little scheme is over, Chancellor," yelled Marle in triumph.

It was quite a climactic moment until her pants fell down.

"Um, princess," said the king.

"Yes, father," said Marle.

"We can all see your ass," said the king.

Eh, I've seen it before and as long as Magus is around I'll see it again and again. The entire courtroom burst into roaring laughter as Marle's face turned red and she pulled her pants back up.

"Grrr..I mean..uh," said the Chancellor.

"Huh," said Marle.

"Hee, hee, hee! It's not the plot you think," said the Chancellor. "I'm here to avenge my ancestors."

The king ran out of the room like a little weakling. I think we all know who wears the pants in this kingdom. That is, when they aren't down around her ankles.

"Super, ultra, presto....TRANSFORM-O," yelled the Chancellor.

He changed into Yakra, or at least he changed into Yakra's descendant. Seriously, though, who didn't see this coming?

"I didn't see this coming at all," said Marle in disbelief. "What happened to the real Chancellor?"

It's like clockwork with her.

We kicked Yakra's ass with little effort. Wasn't Yakra on your side back in the middle ages, Magus?  Couldn't you have just told him to back off?

"Father...I," said Marle.

"No don't say it," said the king. "I was wrong to be so stubborn."

Your daughter's great in the sack, so don't feel too bad.

"No, I didn't even think about how you felt," said Marle.

I slapped her on the ass. Atta girl, Marle. Fix that tarnished relationship with your father! The king gave me a nasty look. I guess I did just slap his daughter on the ass, but he's done my mom a hundred times.  Turnabout is fair play.

"Um," said Marle, "I know it in my heart, but the words just come out wrong."

"I too, have that problem," said the king. "I thought you left me, but realized that it was I, who abandoned you."

I slapped the king on the ass. Atta boy, king. Fix that tarnished relationship with your daughter. Did I mention how good she is in the sack?

"But I'm here now," said Marle. "We'll talk about everything that's happened. About Crono, and mother, and..."

Hey, don't bring me into this!

"Your mother," said the king. "How sad! It has taken me so long to understand what Aliza meant with her last words."

It took you all this time to figure out what she meant when she said, "NO WE CAN'T HAVE SEX NOW! I'M DYING, YOU IDIOT!"

"Someday when Nadia grows up, she will bring her beloved to meet you," said the king, who was quoting Azala.

"Welcome him warmly. It will be a day you remember forever."

Uh, I sure hope he's talking about Magus.

"You heard her last words," asked Marle.

"Of course," said the king. "You were so young! You ran around saying Daddy, it's fun having all my favorite people here! Seeing you so happy, she felt reassured and she left us quite peacefully."

"So that's how it was," said Marle.

"Yes, why," asked the king.

"I used to call you daddy," asked Marle.

Heh, she calls me daddy right now.

"You did," said the king.

Marle walked over, gave her daddy a hug and said, "I'm sorry...Daddy. I'm really sorry for doubting you."

Get off of me, Marle! I pushed her away, so she settled for a hug from the king.

We went back to the throne room and the king said, "I'll let you exit the castle, BUT, you be careful now. Take care of her!"

Can do, kingy! I slapped Marle on the ass and honked her boob. She giggled. The king snarled at me. Hey, don't forget what that dead tramp wife of yours said. I can do whatever I want to Marle and you can't say a thing about it. I pushed Marle onto the ground and started kicking her.

"Ow, C,Crono, stop kidding, OUCH, stop kidding around," said Marle. I picked her up and threw her over my shoulder. I looked at the king, pointed at his daughter, then at my crotch, nodded my head and gave him a thumbs up. His lips tightened, his face started to turn red and then Melchior came into the room.

"It's my turn now," said Melchior. Hey, you can have a turn after I'm done with her old man!

"Melchior," said Marle.

"Can't let you run the whole show," said Melchior. "Let me make some weapons from the Rainbow Shell! Finally time for me to do somethin'. Watch and learn!"

We walked out of the throne room and I still had Marle thrown over my shoulder like a side of beef. I gave the king one last wave and we left. This is my kingdom now.

"Don't worry, king," said Magus. "We'll take good care of her. Crono's mom has already taught Marle the family business."

"What is Magus talking about?" whispered Marle in my ear.

I just shook my head.

Once we were out of the king's sight, I set Marle back on the ground. Back in the courtroom I found a strange key on the floor that I used to unlock a treasure chest. The REAL Chancellor popped out of it.

"Princess Nadia," he said. "Your friends, I presume? Wait, I don't have time for this. I must prepare for the Moonlight Parade!"

Right on cue, all three of us pulled our pants down and aimed our bare asses at the Chancellor as we paraded around him in a circle.

"Ha." said the Chancellor sarcastically. "I get it. MOONlight parade.  Pull your pants up, please."

We pulled our pants back up and Marle just giggled at me. If only the king and Chancellor knew that we were the only thing standing between Lavos and the destruction of humanity.

We found Melchior looking at the Rainbow Shell.

"This is a very rare," he said.

A very rare what?

"As armor, it deflects magic! I can make you 1 Prism Dress, featuring maximum defense, or I can make 3 less-effective Prism Helms. Which would you prefer?"

I'll take the helmets, old man.

"You want Prism Helms? You're sure," said Melchior.

Don't make me talk again.

"All right," said Melchior. "You just wait there!"

Melchior gave us the Prism Helms and they looked pretty tough.

Then he noticed the Sun Stone and he said, "ahhh! A Sun Stone! I'll create an alloy out of it!"

He did just that and when he was done he gave us some PrismSpecs.

"Heh, heh, don't think that's the last of my bag of tricks," said Melchior.

He gave a sword called Rainbow to me. That's just great. Frog gets the Masamune and I get the Rainbow. That has to be the least manly sword any hero has ever carried.

"Come on, Crono," said Magus. "Let's go kick some Lavos butt! I'll use my DoomSickle and you can use your Rainbow!"

Magus started to snicker at me. Marle couldn't help it and she started giggling, too.

Chapter Thirty-One: Notes in Marle's Cavern

Lucca's shot wizzed past Magus' head and Magus started laughing.

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, your weapons REALLY suck," said Magus. "I need a break, Crono. I'm going to sit out your next goodwill journey." Magus plopped down in a corner.

The old man had said something about a Rainbow Shell that could be used to make new weapons for us. Obviously, not a new gun for Lucca.

I decided to bring Lucca and Marle. I think Lucca wants to try out her new gun on something other than Magus and Marle is starting to look depressed about her dad. We piloted the Epoch back to the Middle Ages and went to the Choras Inn to see a guy named Toma, who knows about this sort of thing.

Sure enough, he was sitting there in the cafe, so we asked him about it.

"Hey, Crono," said Toma. "I've finally got a lead on the Rainbow Shell."

Marle stepped in between us. "Hi, my name's Marle," she said and held out her hand while she giggled.

"Oh, my name is Toma," said Toma.

HEY! I'm the only available man in Marle's life. I put my arm around Marle, but she just pushed me away. It looks like all those times where I used her to set off traps is finally catching up with me.

"So, Toma," said Marle. "I was just wondering what you were doing next Saturday. My schedule is wide open."

And so are your legs, you tramp. Lucca was just smiling as she watched the whole situation developing.

"Well, uh," said Toma, "I've gotta go look for this Rainbow Shell thing, but if I make it back alive, I'd be glad to go out with you. How does 6 o'clock sound?"

"That sounds great Toma," said Marle and she moved in and planted a kiss right on his lips. "Think about that until next Saturday." Toma looked like he was pissing in his pants and Marle walked back over next to Lucca.

Great. Just great. You think you have a girl in your back pocket and the next thing you know she's sleeping with your friends. After all the things I've done for her. If Toma had been there on the floating islands he would know better than to go out with someone as potent as Marle. If he even tries to date MY woman, he's going to have to deal with my sword!

Toma shook the stars out of his eyes and said, "Um, as I was saying, Crono, there's something odd going on... Oh, can you hang on to this for me?"

Toma handed me his pop.

"If I don't return, come to my grave and pour this on my headstone. Gee, isn't this morbid?"

I have a feeling you're not going to return, GIRLFRIEND THIEF!

Luckily, we could jump into the time machine and give it a shot right away. Off to the present we went. We found Toma's grave right away and poured his pop onto his headstone like he told us to. A ghostly figure appeared in front of us. It was Toma.

"Crono, long time no see," said Toma. "Oh.......I see that Marle chick is still with you."

"What does that mean, Toma?" said Marle.

"As if you don't know," said Toma. "I went on all those dates with you and I was so in love with you. I was about to ask you to marry me and then I found out you were just using me to make Crono jealous. You're a jerk, Marle."

I crossed my arms and looked over at Marle with a triumphant look on my face. Yep, I've still got it.

Marle just looked at the ground uncomfortably and then she looked over at Lucca.

"I thought you said this would work like a charm, Lucca," said Marle.

"Well, damnit, Marle," said Lucca, "I didn't expect that we'd be talking to the ghost of the guy you use to make Crono jealous!"

Marle started to whimper and cry a little bit.

"Crono always just takes me for granted," said Marle. "He doesn't pay attention to me as much as he should, (sniffle), he's always chasing after other girls, using me to check for traps, and, and (sniffle) he thinks he can just push me aside when he doesn't feel like dealing with me, and-"

I pushed Marle aside as I didn't feel like dealing with her and turned back to Toma.

"Good call, Crono," said Toma. "I've located the Rainbow Shell. To the Northwest of this cape is a large island called the Giant's Claw. You can find the Shell there. But beware! There are many beasts about! Time to shove off!"

I can handle any beasts that come my way. I've put up with these two since this whole thing began.

Toma floated away and disappeared. "You guys are a riot a minute," said Toma. "See ya!"

We walked back to the Epoch. I pointed at the driver's seat and Lucca smiled as she understood. Marle was still crying, so I picked her up and jumped into the backseat in order to give her a little of the Crono Trigger.

This is how a princess deserves to be treated.

The next thing I knew I was looking at a large cave. We had returned to the Middle Ages. Marle was grinning from ear to ear. There were some crumpled notes left by Toma about jumping in holes and stuff.  Why are there crumpled notes left by Toma in Marle's vagina?

"We're here, you too," said Lucca.  Now get out of the backseat and let's go into this cave.

When we first entered the Giant's Claw we found more copies of the notes I just found inside Marle.  Boy, she gets around.  Maybe I should go wash up. 

The second area we came to in the cave was a throne room. I sat on the throne and laughed to myself. This was the old Reptite place!

"Is this the Tyrano Lair," asked Lucca. "This must have been pushed underground when Lavos fell to earth."

We kept walking through the somewhat familiar area and we came to a room with three switches in it. Hmmmmm, I forget what each of these switches does, but that's what Marle's here for. I pointed at one of the switches and Marle pushed it. Two big apes fell out of the sky, so we had to kill them.

I pointed at the second switch and Marle pushed it. The floor in front of us opened up and a cat fell out of the sky into the hole. Well, that was strange. I picked Marle up and threw her into the hole. She landed with a crash.

"Ouch," yelled Marle. "Crono, you silly butthead!"

I knew it was safe, so I jumped in and Lucca followed. I landed on top of Marle and even though I could tell she was in pain, she was still smiling at me. I was smiling, too, until Lucca landed on top of me.

We got to our feet and dusted ourselves off before continuing onward in the cave. Some parts looked like a normal cave and other parts were old pieces of the Tyrano Lair. We came to a door that we couldn't open from the outside, so I knew we would have to find our way around. We walked up some stairs and kept going.

A few rooms later, I recognized a familiar treasure chest, so I had Marle open it. She fell right into a hole again, while Lucca and I watched from up above. We backtracked to the locked door and there was Marle standing there waiting for us.

"You'd never get anywhere without me, Crono," said Marle.

I gave her a kiss on the cheek and a swat on the behind. I'd never get anywhere without getting hurt, you mean.

Eventually, we came to a huge beastly monster that was growling loud enough to make your ears ring. It was that stupid Tyrano that we fought way back in the pre-historic times. He was all rusted looking and old. I guess we'll just have to kick his ass again.

I fought like a man possessed. My sword wreaked havoc on his stupid tyrano snout. Sometimes I had the benefit of some of Lucca's fire magic on my weapon, sometimes I had the benefit of Marle's ice magic and sometimes I chopped at him on my own, but I couldn't be stopped.

Until, he let loose his double fire breath, which knocked me flat on my ass. I looked up at Lucca and Marle, who were a little more resistant to magic attacks than I was. Marle fixed me up and I went back to slicing and dicing. It didn't take much longer for him to fall apart and THIS TIME he'll stay dead.

"We got him," yelled Marle as she jumped up into my arms and was just as quickly tossed onto the floor. I kept walking forward and Lucca followed me. Marle stood up and rubbed her ass before catching up with us.

"You're so funny, Crono," said Marle.

"The Rainbow Shell," said Lucca.

There it was.  Just like Toma told us. We tried to pick it up, but obviously, I needed manpower to do the job and not these weak little girls.

"It's heavy," said Marle. "We won't be able to carry it. Better get some help at the castle!"

I transported Lucca away and brought in Magus. I'm never one to miss an opportunity to be entertained.

"What the hell," yelled Magus as he appeared in front of me, obviously in a bit of a daze. I put him in the lead, so he could be the one to explain to the King and Queen who he used to be at war with, how he needed their help. This oughtta be good!

"Hello," said King Guardia. "You're always welcome here. What can I do for you?"

Uh, is he blind? Doesn't he realize that the leader of the Mystic army is standing right in front of him? You know. The guy who ordered his people to kill your people and almost conquered your country?

"Well," said Marle.

"I get it," said the King. "You want me to keep that huge shell safe here until the next century, right?"

How the hell did he figure that out just from the word well?

"I ask for the sake of Magus," said Queen Leene. "Please carry out their request."

WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not only did they realize that Magus was standing in front of them, but they're pals all of the sudden?!!!!!!!!! Wait a minute. He must be sweet talking her through telepathy.

Magus looked over at me and said, "don't blame me. I'm as confused as you are."

"Done," said the King. "I shall obtain the shell and store it in the castle, as a national treasure. Knight Captain!" Aha! Now there was no way this guy would take Magus's presence lying down!

"Yes majesty," said the Knight Captain.

"Go and obtain the Rainbow Shell, and bring it back in one piece," said the King.

"At once sire," said the Knight Captain.

Uh, but first you're going to vanquish the leader of the evil hoard of the Mystics, right? Please tell me I'm not the only one losing his mind here!!!!!!!!

"Thank you your majesty," said Marle. "And Queen Leene too, of course!" Marle didn't seem bothered by it.

Magus walked up to one of the guards, he looked him right in the eyes and the guard just said, "what a stroke of luck for you guys. Defeated Magus, huh?"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  He's standing right in front of you and he's going to eat your children. What the hell is wrong with you people?!!!!!!!

I ran out of the castle screaming, but no one seemed to care. Magus just shrugged his shoulders and said, "I guess they forgive people, REALLY quick in this country."

I sent him back to the end of time and brought Lucca back before we jumped into the Epoch and went to see Marle's father. I hope he still doesn't want to execute me.

Chapter Thirty: Robo-Milf

Lucca was still crying about how Magus had yelled at her, so I threw her over my shoulder and we returned to the end of time. Robo seemed deep in thought concerning the origin of machines.

"You mean to tell me I have a birthplace?" said Robo.

Hey, let's go find out, ok?  Hmph, poor old man was still off in a corner.  I hope he survives.  I'd hate for Ayla's chest to get depressed over killing an old man.

I tossed Lucca over to the side, still crying, and Robo joined the group.

"What did you two do to Lucca?" yelled Marle.

Magus asked her on a date and she said yes, but then she found out he was a guy and it broke her heart.

Instead of answering Marle's idiotic question, we chose to retreat to the Epoch.

".............and then, and then, and then, he said that, that, that, that, my weapons s-s-s-s-s-suck," said Lucca as we blasted into 2300 AD. We flew the Epoch over to a place called Geno Dome. We walked inside and Robo looked at the first panel we came to.

"Analysis complete," said Robo. "Please follow me."

"Lead on, Bobo," said Magus.

"Pardon me, Magus, sir, but my name is Robo," said Robo.

"Sure thing, Bobo," said Magus.

Robo grumbled and shook his head. "Humans," he said in disgust and he turned back to the panel.

"Who enters here unbidden," said a voice out of the wall. "Oh, welcome home R-66Y. Or should I say, Prometheus?! You dare to defile this place with humans? I haven't seen them in ages. Let me...welcome them. Come closer..."

Hey! A welcoming party! Alright! Let's do what the voice said and go inside, ok Robo?  Nothing about anything that was just said sounds foreboding.

In the next room we saw a moving pathway and the unknown voice said, "let's see just what you can do..."

The welcoming party turned out to be more of a kill the humans party. Two robots attacked us as soon as we got onto the pathway and just as quickly, Magus blasted them with his lightning spell.

Every time a new group of robots would attack, Magus would just shock them all into nothingness. Me and Robo sat down to play a game of checkers while Magus did the best he could to stay awake while fending off the hoards of ants trying to put us in our place as weak little humans.

"Not bad for humans," said the voice. "But can you find your way to me?"

We made our way through the place and the whole time that damned annoying voice kept talking to us about Lavos and humans dying off, while machines were taking over the world. Whatever. Magus could kill every robot in this entire place all by himself.

Robo had to electrocute himself and then run all over the place to get power to some of the doors by sticking his fat ass into the holes next to each door. It was worth it to come, just to watch Robo running all over the place.

We eventually came to a room with humans sitting on a conveyor belt.

"Hmmmm," said Magus. "A human processing plant?"

"Let us stop the machine," said Robo.

"Sure thing, Bobo," said Magus.

"Let us throw you onto the machine before we stop the machine," said Robo.

I laughed and Robo walked over to try and stop the machine.

"It's too well guarded," said Robo. "We have to destroy the central computer." We walked back and continued onward.

"Don't you understand," said the unknown voice. "This planet would be peaceful if there were no humans around."

I could say the same thing about machines and old people.

At one point Robo told us that we had to use one of the non-attacking robots to short out another robot that was guarding something we needed. We got the robot to follow us, but the fact of the matter is that we were dealing with a very special robot. He almost had to be carried around every corner. If you didn't take one step and then stop to make sure he took the exact same step, he would get confused.

After a long, slow process, we finally got the special robot to stand in front of the guard robot and we were able to get what we needed. It was a little doll. Hmmmmmm, I'll just let Robo lead on. I won't ask any questions.

"The dolls are needed to use as keys to get us to the central computer," said Robo.

We were almost to the place where we could use the dolls when we were confronted by a pink robot with a bow on top. Hey, she's kinda cute.

"Welcome home, Prometheus," said the pink robot.

"Atropos," asked Robo.

I sure hope it's his sister, cause she's a hottie.........for a robot.

"Yes, it's been awhile," said Atropos. "You can stop pretending now and join us."

Magus looked at Robo skeptically, but I was too busy staring at Atropos and that fine ass of hers to really care what anyone was saying.

"Mwa, ha," laughed Atropos. "Unlike the other R-series, Prometheus had a special task. To live with humans and study them as a species."

"I see," said Magus.

"Tell them, Prometheus," said Atropos "Now step back Prometheus. We'll get rid of these humans, then go see Mother..."

Robo stepped aside.

"Hmph, we're leaving," said Magus.

I finally came out of my love trance and looked at Magus in confusion.

"Prometheus is a robot spy, Crono," said Magus.

Who's Prometheus?

Magus sighed and said, "when the time comes just start attacking whoever I tell you to attack and we'll leave it at that, ok?"

Atropos moved towards us and Robo gave her a nice crack on the jaw. I jumped in between Robo and Atropos and pointed my sword at Robo.

"What are you doing, Prometheus," asked Atropos.

Was she talking to me? Am I Prometheus? My God! I'm a robot spy who was built to study humans and.......

"I won't allow you to hurt them," yelled Robo.

This explains so much about my life! Why I don't have a dad, why I can barely ever talk. Why I have so much trouble finding a girlfriend that I can love.............why I've been going on and on about how sexy Atropos is, when she's just a pink Robo with a bow on her head. Magus was staring at me and it made me a little uncomfortable. What's his problem?

"You are indeed defective," said Atropos. "They have tampered with you. I'll destroy them, then fix you."

I looked back at Atropos in sadness. I just hope she can fix me. Now kill these stupid humans and take me to Mother! Magus hit me over the head with the blunt side of his scythe and I fell on the ground.

"You've changed, Atropos," said Robo.

"Indeed," said Atropos. "Mother remade me to eliminate humans more efficiently! Step back, Mr. Anderson."

"My name is Robo," yelled Robo.

Atropos gave Robo a crack on the jaw like he had given her earlier and I sat off to the side with my whole life flashing before my eyes.

"Wait," said Robo. "Stand back and leave this to me."

"Sure thing, Bobo," said Magus and he plopped down next to me.

"Atropos," said Robo as he turned back to her.

"Prometheus," said Atropos.

"Crono," said Magus.

Shut the hell up, Magus. I've just learned the purpose to my existence and you want to make jokes.

"Crono," said Magus. "You're not a robot. Robo is a robot that used to be called Prometheus. You get some crazy ideas in your head."

I just looked at him for a second until Robo and Atropos started fighting each other.

Robo beat Atropos into a pile of metal on the ground and I jumped to my feet.

"P, Prometheus," said Atropos. "It's been...ages...!"

"Atropos," said Robo.

YES!! HER NAME IS ATROPOS!!! EVERY THREE SECONDS YOU TWO HAVE TO DOUBLE CHECK AND MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE STILL TALKING TO THE SAME ROBOT!!!!!! I guess that's the way it is when you all look exactly the same.

"I'm damaged," said Atropos. "What happened?"

Robo kicked your hottie pink robot ass. I started to sniffle. Please don't die, Atropos.

"Atropos," yelled Robo. Yep, that's her name alright.

"My memory bank," said Atropos. "Mother must have done something nasty when she reprogrammed me."

Ooooh, a Mother that likes doing nasty things. I bet she's as hot as Atropos. Once again, Magus was giving me that same look he always gives me.

"Partial memory...restored," said Atropos. "I'm sorry...Prometheus."

"Atropos," yelled Robo.

Is that her name? Because I wasn't sure.

"This...is for you," said Atropos. "You can...plug this...into your circuits... Please...take care...of it... Good...bye...Pro...metheus..."

I was expecting Robo to just say Atropos again, but he kept silent and we moved on. Robo looked pretty pissed. If I were Magus, I wouldn't call him Bobo again. At least not for a few days.

"Listen well, humans," said the same unknown voice that had been talking to us.

Then, the voice proceeded to explain how it was going to try to sustain Lavos' spawn in order to keep them from spreading to other planets and become the new species that owned the planet and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

We ignored the voice and continued onward. Robo put the dolls in place and a door opened to where we found the central computer. Then, this huge metallic hottie appeared in front of us.

"You did well to come this far," said the unknown voice, which obviously belonged to Robo-Milf. "I am the Mother Brain of the R-Y series factory. Come Prometheus, you must once again join us. I'll reset your circuitry and erase your memories. Then we'll dispose of these filthy humans."

All three of us were just laughing at her and she got pissed off.

"What is so funny, you wretched humans," asked Robo-Milf.

In the middle of her speech the covering on her chest fell off to reveal her metallic breasts.

"Eeek," yelled Robo-Milf. "How did that happen?"

"It must have been Lavos," said Magus.

She covered herself back up, but those were some nice stainless stell titties.

"I'm sorry," said Robo, "but I cannot afford to lose anything else. Not my precious memories, or my irreplaceable friends."

"You would betray ME, to stay with these humans," asked Robo-Milf in disbelief. "You would turn against the family of robots?"

"Humans have taught me much," said Robo. "Crono, Marle, Lucca, Frog and Ayla. I will not betray my friends."

Magus crossed his arms and rolled his eyes.

"However," said Robo, "I would gladly see you dispose of this ignorant fool with the blue hair."

Magus jumped back and pulled out his scythe. "YOU WANT SOME OF THIS, ROBOT PUKE," yelled Magus. "I'll beat your metal butt all over the planet, Bobo!"

"Kiss my platinum ass," said Robo.

"CHILDREN, CHILDREN, CHILDREN," yelled Robo-Milf. "Calm down! You're forgetting your purpose here! I'm the one you're supposed to hate. If you try to kill each other.........(sigh). You need to know which side you're on to begin with or you won't get anywhere in life."

Robo and Magus looked at each other and then they shook hands.

"I'm sorry I kept calling you, Bobo," said Magus.

"I'm sorry I asked my mom to kill you," said Robo. "

Awwwwww, now isn't that sweet," said Robo-Milf.

"Yes, I regret my actions," said Robo. "I am consumed with embarrassment."

"Ho," yelled Robo-Milf.

Did she just call Robo a ho?

"Fu, hu, hu. This is rich," said Robo-Milf. "Don't make me laugh! YOU, have emotions?!"

She's a robot, who's laughing.............and she's laughing at the idea of a robot having emotions. What?

"I'll show you just how human you've become," she screamed and it was time to fight.

She took about half a second to kill.

"P...Pro...me...theus," said Robo-Milf, "w...why?"

Robo picked up his mom's arms and kept them as souvenirs. Gross.

"All machines in the factory have been shut off for good," said Robo.

"Hmph, we're leaving," said Magus.

Didn't he say that like an hour ago?

"Let's go," said Robo.

Back at the end of time, we jumped off of the Epoch to find Lucca with her new gun aimed at Magus.

"I'll let you be the judge, Magus," said Lucca as she fired a shot at Magus's head. "Tell me how much my weapons suck, again?"